Sunday, June 3, 2012

There's a hole in the middle of a pretty good life

At the hospital the other day, the people were so nice.

 A week before, the people at the hotel were so nice.

 It's so striking to me when people are kind. It shouldn't be such an unusual experience.

I am not kind. I want to be like the people at the hospital, the people at the hotel. Instead, I am curled up in a ball, shutting out the world, because I am trying to shut out the unkindness, the pushiness, the illness, the fatigue. I shut out the bad, and with it I shut out the good.

I'm grateful for a comfortable place to live, for the support of family and friends. I am grateful that all my loved ones are safe. But sometimes I feel an ache. Despite all that I have, parts are still missing. The people I care about are far away -- far in miles, or busy with more important things to do.

Maybe that's the way life is. "For Real" by Bob Franke says "there's a hole in the middle of a pretty good life."

Sometimes, I don't ache. Sometimes I feel whole. I've had some joyful times with friends and family. I've had joyful times alone, dancing, just me and the music.

Once, as a kid on a family vacation, I made up some labels for family members. I called myself, and others who, like me, most enjoyed hiking, "Energetic Wilderness Explorers." Those who focused on getting chores done I labelled "Dishy Washy." Those who sat around the house reading I called "Lazy Loafy."

Now I'm older. Now I bear the responsibility of chores. I have become Dishy Washy. Now I bear the weight of fatigue. I have become Lazy Loafy.

When I was a kid, I was only an Energetic Wilderness Explorer. Now I am all three. Energetic Wilderness Explorer, Dishy Washy, and Lazy Loafy are three threads twining within me. Together, they form a rope, stronger twined together than any one would be alone. I am richer, deeper, broader than when I was a kid. I have the power to take on a challenge.

A good druid faces difficulty. A good druid does not turn away, does not refuse to see.

I do not have within me the capacity to do all the things I'm trying to do. That is the thing I refuse to see. I am not willing to give anything up, so I refuse to see that I must. Instead, I am always thinking of more things I want to undertake.

There's a hole in the middle of a pretty good life. There's a hole in my life because I don't have the capacity to do all the things I'm trying to do. There's a hole because illness and injury keep me from hiking, rollerblading, and dancing. There's a hole because I feel disconnected from the people I want to be close to. There's a hole because kindness is rare in my life. There's a hole because fun is rare in my life.

There's a hole, but I am whole. I am whole because I know both sorrow and joy. I am whole because I gaze at the sky. I am whole because I run in the rain. I am whole because people were there for me, helping me when I needed it. I am whole because I take care of myself, whether others are there to help or not.

I miss health and energy.  I miss the people I want to be with.  I miss fun.  I miss them, but I will be whole.

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