Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I have bugs in my apartment. I sprayed stuff on them that is supposed to make bugs go away. Or at least die. Now I have bug corpses lying around in addition to live bugs crawling around. Also the spraying stuff is not really good for asthma. I sprayed it on a number of different days, and each time, I got a crop of corpses a day or two later, but the live ones kept on coming.

I was looking on the internet at pictures of bugs to see if I could find out what kind they are. But I didn't find the right kind, and after a while I was like, "I don't like looking at bugs. I have to do that too much in real life anyhow" so I quit.

My bugs are about 3/4 of an inch long. They are black with orange trim. They have six legs and antennae. They fly a little bit, like turkeys do, just to hop off the roost, but mostly they walk around. They seem to come from the south facing windows. Well I don't really see them actually crawling in through the windows, but that is where their concentrations seem to stem from.

Monday, February 16, 2009

His Dark Materials

I have been reading the His Dark Materials trilogy. I am in the third book, so I've read most but not the whole thing. I am still waiting to see what the conclusion will be, but it seems to me that it is that when the serpent tempted Eve, and Adam and Eve left the garden of Eden, it was a good thing, because it meant they could learn knowledge and wisdom, and have the free will to make their own choices, even though that meant making mistakes sometimes. And I think it is about love and freedom of choice over obedience to dogma. And it said, "we have to build the Republic of Heaven where we are, because for us there is no elsewhere."

We take it for granted most of the time because it's all we know, but when you think about it, it is such a gift to be alive. We have this life, and we can make it what we want it to be. It's our opportunity to make our mark on the world. I don't want to spend it toiling at a job that bothers me, and then going home to sit on the couch and read or watch TV. And yet, I don't know how else to live it. I am shackled by two things: the necessity of earning a living, and fatigue. Is their some way to shed these chains? Some light shining through a window that I can follow to find a way out? Or is this my here, is it within these shackles that I must build my republic of heaven?

Not connected to my heart

I'm not connected to my heart. I'm just trying to shove myself in the mold that doesn't fit it. At work, I force myself to concentrate on things that don't interest me. I've lost the liking for the people who used to be my friends, yet I feel I must be civil to them because it's not their fault I've lost the liking. On the weekend, I force myself to do laundry and get groceries even though I'm too tired. I force myself to live this life because it's the life that I've got, and because I can't find anywhere else to go. There is nothing that I desire to do, so I do things I don't desire to do, because one must go on living.

I have seen people living without being connected to their hearts. In retrospect, I think one was a lesbian trying to live as a heterosexual. That's how I feel -- as if I'm trying to live a life of someone who is not me. But I don't know what is the life of me. If I knew, I'd live it.

The character Hilary Faye in Saved! is an example I think. People like Hilary Faye try hard to follow all the rules of their religion, or to do charitable works, in the hopes that it will give them that feeling of grace, or closeness to God. But the only way to get that grace is let your heart be filled with love, and that doesn't happen if you aren't connected to your heart.

How can I get connected to my heart? By trying to get in touch with my spirituality using such techniques as meditation, yoga, religious readings, religious rituals, dance, and being outdoors. Being with people who appreciate who I am would be helpful, but I think the reason I am so distanced from my heart is because I don't know people like that. Occasionally someone treats me with warmth, and it lights my spirit, but then it makes my heart ache, because I know it wasn't of substance.