Monday, February 16, 2009

Not connected to my heart

I'm not connected to my heart. I'm just trying to shove myself in the mold that doesn't fit it. At work, I force myself to concentrate on things that don't interest me. I've lost the liking for the people who used to be my friends, yet I feel I must be civil to them because it's not their fault I've lost the liking. On the weekend, I force myself to do laundry and get groceries even though I'm too tired. I force myself to live this life because it's the life that I've got, and because I can't find anywhere else to go. There is nothing that I desire to do, so I do things I don't desire to do, because one must go on living.

I have seen people living without being connected to their hearts. In retrospect, I think one was a lesbian trying to live as a heterosexual. That's how I feel -- as if I'm trying to live a life of someone who is not me. But I don't know what is the life of me. If I knew, I'd live it.

The character Hilary Faye in Saved! is an example I think. People like Hilary Faye try hard to follow all the rules of their religion, or to do charitable works, in the hopes that it will give them that feeling of grace, or closeness to God. But the only way to get that grace is let your heart be filled with love, and that doesn't happen if you aren't connected to your heart.

How can I get connected to my heart? By trying to get in touch with my spirituality using such techniques as meditation, yoga, religious readings, religious rituals, dance, and being outdoors. Being with people who appreciate who I am would be helpful, but I think the reason I am so distanced from my heart is because I don't know people like that. Occasionally someone treats me with warmth, and it lights my spirit, but then it makes my heart ache, because I know it wasn't of substance.

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