Sunday, September 27, 2015

September is for stargazing

I don't often spend much time stargazing.  Winter is too cold for standing around outside.  In summer, by the time it gets dark, it's bed-time. But in September, it's both warm and dark, so one can stick around and look.  The sunset, the stars, the crickets, the trees -- I love sitting out on my balcony in the evening.  It's one of the best things about my life here. 

Another nice thing is weekend mornings drinking coffee and reading by a sunny window.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


I'm so tired.  I feel like my bones are made of crumbs.  I did nothing today.  This is not how I wanted to spend my life.


I wrote a paper once on self-efficacy, did a literature review.  Bottom line is, if you believe you can do something, you're more likely to succeed, because you keep trying in the face of frustration.

When I told someone that I am disheartened by jobhunting, he lectured me on how I must be using incorrect  jobhunting tactics, and how I did not understand how jobhunting works.  He actually had no understanding of my jobhunting experiences, he just assumed I must be dumb and in need of enlightenment from his mighty self.

You know what, explaining to me that I deserve those rejections because I did everything wrong, that is not cool.  That is not something I need in my life.  I deserve better.  I deserve friends who support me.  People who put my down are not friends. 

Friday, September 25, 2015


I share myself with you because I trust you with respect.  I don't share myself with those who don't treat me with respect.

Respect does not mean you have to agree with me.  It does not mean you have to like everything I like.  You can think my ideas are strange.  But you have to believe that who I am comes from intelligence, wisdom, kindness and integrity, rather than from stupidity and cruelty.  When you don't understand, give me the benefit of the doubt, that I might possibly have good reason for my point of view.

And respect is what I give to you.  I don't like all the things you like.  I don't agree with you about everything.  But I  like who you are.  I see who you are as being fundamentally good.

You told me about the things you were interested in.  It's not what I'm interested in, but it never occurred to me to reacted negatively.  I liked that you were telling me what you were interested in.

I told you about what I was interested in, and you lectured me on how stupid and pointless it was.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Recovering from rejection

Something came up in my facebook news feed.  I don't know the person who wrote it, but one of my Facebook friends liked it, so it came up in my feed.  It says:
12 years ago today, Alison made me the happiest man on earth. As my friends can attest I knew she was the one for me 2 weeks after we started dating. After 12 years of marriage and 2 amazing kids, I can say that asking Alison to marry me is still the best decision I have ever made.
 On one hand, I read it and I think that no one ever said that about me.  I was never the one someone wanted.  I'm the one from whom men flee.

For a few moments I feel sad.   Then I hear Pete Seeger singing, "I feel, I feel, I feel like a morning star," and I feel happiness.  I see the rich life around me.  I see the friendships that survived conflicts and have lasted for years.  I see the life I have made.  I do a radio show that people enjoy.  My work makes a real difference in the community organization I belong to. 

There are people who treat me as a treasure, and in return, I treasure them. 

The person who saw me full of shortcomings has gone away.  It's just as well. 

Saturday, September 5, 2015


I was reading the book about mindfulness for people with ADHD.  I came to a part about writing your values.  Sort of like goals, but more big picture.  Not the things you are going to accomplish and be done with, but the things that you want to devote time to throughout your life.  I like doing things like that! In typical ADHD fashion, I put down my book and went to my computer.  In typical ADHD fashion, when I got to my computer I checked my email, replied to a message, picked out some music to listen to, played Spider Solitaire, and read Nimue Brown's latest blog post.  Now, at least half an hour after arriving at my computer, I turn to making the list.  I realize that it's a list I've made a hundred times before.  That's what people with ADHD do.  They make the list, but get stuck on the implementation.

And now, another 15 minutes after I wrote that a half hour has passed, here are my goals:
  • Home.  I want my home to be a haven.  Clean.  Uncluttered.  The things I use easy to find and close at hand.  Decorated in a way I like.  Easy access to outdoors.  Beautiful views from windows.  Sunny.  Peaceful -- no loud noises of traffic and rowdy people.  In walking distance of the places I want to go.  In the short term, I need to work on cleaning and de-cluttering, and setting up a system to keep it that way.  In the long term, I want to re-locate.
  • Outdoors.  I want to live in a climate conducive to spending time outdoors.  I want to walk, rollerblade, just sit around looking at scenery. I want to go to outdoor fairs, festivals, and farmer's markets.
  • Physical activity.  I want to dance, walk, and do tai chi.  
  • Read, write, compile.  I want to have quiet time for reading, writing and compiling.  I want to compile family history information.
  • Community.  I want to be a part of creating a community in which people treat each other with respect, seek to grow in wisdom, knowledge, and compassion, and seek to live sustainably.
  • Music.  I want to listen to music, share music with others, compile playlists, play musical instruments, and sing.  
  • Family and friends.  I want to be part of a circle of family and friends.  I want to support my family and friends, and I want them to support me.  
  • Enjoyment.  I want a life full of joy, playfulness, and contentment.

Thursday, September 3, 2015


Since I became a druid 5 years ago, I've read of divination, especially ogham divination, as being part of druidry.  I don't believe in divination in a supernatural sense, but it seemed to me that it's like art.  It's a way to see beauty and tap into your feelings. 

So I bought The Celtic Tree Oracle.  There are instructions for a complicated way of drawing a bunch of cards of having each one signify a certain thing.  But from the start, that was not my intent.  My plan was to draw one card, maybe in the evening, maybe before meditation. 

I did that for the first time last night.  I was very tired yesterday.  All day at work, I was especially distractible.  I got work done, but I wasn't working on the things I meant to be working on.  I kept going off on other projects.  Usually I have one coffee before work and one in late morning or early afternoon.  But I was a mess from the time I got to work, exhausted and irritable.  I had my second coffee of the day not long after getting to work, and my third mid-afternoon.

I stayed late at work, not super-late, but until just before 6.  Then I did two errands after work. 

When I got home, I was exhausted.  I had dinner, and then lay in the living room listening to the radio until bedtime.  I went to bed early, at 8:45.  But then I had trouble falling asleep.  Maybe it was because I had extra coffee to try to make it through the day.

I got up and went to the ogham cards.  I shuffled them carefully, and let myself be drawn to a particular card.  I chose my card, and it was Uilleand.  I opened the book to read about its meaning.  I read of a bird which, when disturbed, flies up and makes a scene to draw attention away from its nest.  I read about turning away from distraction and seeing the truth at the center.  This seemed apt, since I have been reading about ADHD and since I had a distractible day.

After reading about Uilleand, I felt a sense of peace.  I went back to bed, and this time I could fall asleep.