Looking for open doors

I went to a library workshop the other day.  It was kind of interesting, but I had such a feeling that the community of librarians is still closed off to me, that going to the workshop is like knocking on a door, and I'm going to have to keep knocking on a lot of doors before I find a way in.  It seems overwhelming.

In other areas of my life, it seems like I am surrounded by open doors.  There are just so many possibilities I could pursue.  It's frustrating that the limits of time and energy mean that I can only seize a small fraction of the opportunities

But you know, it wasn't always like that.  There are two communities that I'm a part of which seem to be full of open doors, beckoning me.  But when I first tried to join these two communities, I felt like I did at the library workshop: like I was knocking on doors and not finding a way in.

One community that I'm in I'll call the local community.  Most of the people in the community are in my city.  Some live in neighboring towns, but the community's focus is really in my city.  But this community that I'm part of is not everyone in my city.  It's generally people who care about things like sustainable living, organic gardening, renewable energy, building community, etc.

I think it was almost 3 years ago that I started knocking on doors for this community.  I joined one particular group.  I liked it, and yet I felt like I was looking for something more.  I wanted to get involved in something, but I didn't know what.  Then I joined another group.  It was when I joined this second group that things really opened up.  This group offered me lots of ways to get involved.  Also, it opened the doors to the rest of the community.  The way I see it, there are about a dozen organizations that make up this community.  Different people have different interests, so they participate more in one organization than another, but the people in these organizations are all so inter-connected that it seems to me that it's all one community.  And now I'm inside the walls of that community, so that I can see what's going on, I can see the many opportunities available to me.

The other community that I'm part of is the folk community.  This is more of a regional community, not focused in my city.  About 13 years ago was the first time I joined a group in that community.  As happened more recently when I joined the first group in my local community, I felt like I wasn't in the door yet.  I joined the one group, but the group did not have a good use for me, and it did not open me up to the related groups.  I moved on from there to join another group, then another, then another.  Now I finally have what I was looking for.  I'm in one group, but being in that group shows me many doors to other things.  I can think of 8 groups that make up our folk community.  As is the case with my local community, different people are more active in one or the other group, but there is a lot of overlap between the groups, and it feels like it is all one community that makes these 8 organizations happen.  As is the case with my local community, when I joined my first organization, I felt like the community was still closed to me, but now the whole community has opened up to me, and I see far more opportunities open to me than I have the time and energy to pursue.

So if the library community feels closed to me, don't despair.  It takes time.  It's like each community is a walled castle, and you walk all around the outside of the castle wall knocking on it, trying to find a way in.  But once you get in, everything inside the castle wall opens up before you.

So, that may be the case in this situation.  On the other hand, the local community and the folk community are grassroots organizing.  Librarian is a profession.  You have to get a job to be part of it.

Considerate

A lot of people seem to think American Beauty was a wonderful movie. I hated it. To me, it's about a man who quits his job, neglects his family, and spends his time lusting after a friend of his teenage daughter. Meanwhile, his wife brings in the family income, takes care of the kids, prepares the meals, and takes care of the house and yard. And, the movie portrays her negatively for being uptight and glorifies her husband for being such a free spirit.

Spending time with my family over the holidays, I was reminded of this movie. No, things in my family are nowhere near as bad as they are in the movie. I just felt that some people were working for the welfare of the family, while others were not considerate of the efforts being made.

It started weeks before, as I planned my travel dates. I tried to find out everyone's schedules, and plan travel dates that would allow me to see everyone. Once I made my plan, I notified my relatives, so that those who still had not formed their plans could plan accordingly. Then, weeks after I had made my plan, my brother informed me that he and his family would be visiting my mother's house on a day that did not coincide with my plans. I had to re-work my plans, and after considering the alternatives, chose to cut short my visit with my father, because it was the least bad of the alternatives.

My brother and his family said that they would be at my mother's place from supper on one day through supper on the following day. My mother and stepfather planned menus and bought groceries to accommodate this plan. Then, at lunch on the second day, my brother and sister-in-law announced that they did not plan to stay for supper after all. It made me mad that my mother and stepfather, who don't have a lot of money, had gone to the trouble of buying food for a meal, and then my brother and sister-in-law decided they were not going to show up for that meal.

The lunch on the second day was our big meal, our Christmas dinner. Usually at my mom's house, we don't have sweets. Sometimes my sister-in-law tries to avoid sweets, but other times she enjoys them. A few weeks in advance of the Christmas dinner, my mother asked my sister-in-law whether or not they should get dessert for the Christmas dinner. My sister-in-law said yes, so my stepfather bought pies. Then, on the evening in the first supper, my sister-in-law mentioned that she did not want any dessert for Christmas dinner.

What bothers me is that my mother and stepfather went out of their way to accommodate the family, and those efforts were trampled on. I feel I am often in the same position. I feel like I'm always looking out for other people -- my family, my friends, and the people I serve in my job. I look out for them, and they take what they want and then leave me behind. I had a friend once who always wanted to spend time with me when I had a car and he didn't. Then he got a car and a girlfriend, and suddenly he wanted nothing to do with me, and alleged that it was all because of my own flaws that he wanted nothing to do with me.

I stayed an extra day at my mother's house in order to see my brother and his family. After they left, I went to my father's house. As I prepared to stay overnight at my father's house, I found that I seemed to be allergic to the blanket I had been planning to use. I got a different blanket, and that one seemed to be okay. However, my father told me all the places I could look for blankets, jackets, etc., in case I should wake up in the night and find I was allergic to this blanket after all.

After all the energy I invest in looking out for other people, someone was looking after me. It was like after tightening my coat against the cold, I could bask in sunlight. And it was not only that it was that I was being looked after. It was that I had a partner, someone who shares my belief that looking after people is the thing to do.

There is some emphasis in our culture on being assertive, standing up for yourself, not being taken advantage of. There are people who think that if I feel I am helping others but others are not giving back, that's a sign that I should be more assertive. But for me, standing up for myself means standing up against those who tell me I should stop helping others. I will not stop looking after other people because other people tell me I ought to. Instead, I seek to build a community where everyone looks after each other. I will look after people, but I will focus that energy on people who are trying to build the same kind of community I'm trying to build.

Occupy Wall Street and participatory decision-making

Yesterday on Morning Edition, there was a story called Occupy Wall Street: Where Everybody Has a Say in Everything. It described the decisionmaking process of the Occupy Wall Street movement. There are working groups for the various areas that need to be worked on, and those groups decide how to organize themselves. Every evening, there's a general assembly where everyone meets to discuss things. Anyone who wants to speak takes a turn speaking. They have no megaphones or sound system, so the way they carry the sound is that the crowd repeats each thing the speaker says, so that all can hear. When people are done speaking, they vote by waving their hands.

I want to be part of a community based on participatory decision-making. This is fundamental to my values. This is a very Quaker thing. Quakers believe that there is that of God in everyone. They allow everyone a chance to speak. Decisions are made by the community, by consensus.

Yesterday evening on Marketplace, I heard the story Movement on the March. They found an expert on social movements who declared that "the movement has to find leaders, create a structure and identify villains." It seems to me that is a very establishment point of view. The establishment says things have to be a certain way. A movement is something that shows they don't have to be that way.

I want to live in a world where you don't need leaders, structure, and villains. I want to live in a world where we all work together to make this better.

This is my ideal. In practice, I know it can result in a lot of disagreement and indecision. In practice, I don't think I really like to be haggling with people all the time about how things should be. But in spite of those practical concerns, I think this ideal is my fundamental value.

This is what I want to do with my life, to be part of a community that show its respect for all its members by including them in decision-making. Every time I go to my job, I put myself into a community that violates this value. I have applied to jobs at places that are consistent with this value. They have not wanted me. So, until one of those communities wants me, I am stuck here. What can I do where I am?

You can't turn an apple into an elephant, so you may as well not die trying. I am not going to overhaul the entire culture where I work. But in my corner, I can live according to my values. I can treat the people around me with respect, and ask them for their input. When I notice people who are a positive force, I can lend my support to them. And I can get involved with others who do share my values outside of work -- the Quaker Meeting, and the Transition group.

That's the ambitious version. But there's another factor. There's the reality that I'm tired, sick, and antisocial. Sure probably a bit of that comes from the fact that the negativity of my situation drains my vitality, so it would be alleviated as I did more positive things. But it wouldn't be alleviated that much. Tired, sick and antisocial are a reality of who I am. For years, I have been coming up with ambitious plans about what I want to do with my life, but the plans ignore this reality. As a result, the plans don't get carried out. So yes, I can seek ways to live out my values. It's something to remind myself of as I go through each day. But I also have to remember what is actually realistic.

Getting involved in the community instead of taking classes

At the simple living group, a young woman gave a presentation about the time bank project she is starting. I don't know what she does for a living, but here she is active in the community, doing something with her life. Why don't I do that? When I try to figure out what to do with my life, I think of a new career field to try and take a class in it. Why don't I just do stuff -- jump in and get involved, and see where it leads me?

But then I remembered about getting tired and sick all the time. For the next three days after attending the simple living group, I lay on the couch whenever I didn't have to be at work. When I was at work, I had a lot of trouble focusing. I do think that I've caught a virus, and it's not solely that the simple living meeting wore me out, but the reality is that when I do something a little extra, whether it's go to a simple living meeting or spend an hour gardening, it's not unusual for me to feel sick for a few days after. I'm doing better than I was four years ago, but I still have to keep reminding myself that all these enthusiastic thoughts about all the things I want to get involved in need to be tempered by reality.

So, don't beat myself up for not being the young woman at the simple living meeting who is organizing projects in our community. I have to live with the bounds of what I've got. But within the bounds of what I've got, I can think about how best to use what time and energy I have, and maybe thinking of this young woman will provide some inspiration, by reminding me that there are other things that can be done besides taking classes.

What I want: a community that shares my values

In my town, there is a simple living group that meets once a month. At each meeting, a speaker presents about a topic of interest, and there is discussion time when they go around the circle and each person talks about how they are doing on trying to live simply. I recently joined this group and have attended their two most recent meetings. I'm excited about being part of this group. It made me realize that what I've always wanted is to be a part of a community that shares my values, to be working toward something in community with others who are working toward the same thing. I loved my job when I first started it because that's what it was. When that changed is when I became unhappy at my job. I think more important to me than what task I'm doing is whether I'm doing it for a purpose I believe in, and in support of a community I believe in.

For the long-term, I can continue to seek a job in a community that shares my values. In the meantime, within my workplace I can seek out people who share my values, and try to work with them to build a community that expresses those values. (That is, to work toward our shared purpose of serving students and treating all with respect, as opposed to the institutional culture that the purpose of faculty is to bring in wealth and prestige, and that staff and students are useful when they contribute to that goal, but otherwise, when they call for teaching or advising, they are an unwanted distraction.)

I think it would be useful to develop that habit of seeking out likeminded people and building community with them, regardless of the prevailing climate.

But I also can't forget the goal of finding a better place. I have a tendency to think that I should make it, regardless of circumstances. I try to do everything I'm supposed to do even when I'm sick. Then I get healthy, and it's amazing how much easier it becomes to do things. I don't have to spend my life fighting uphill battles. Tying in with yesterday's post about working with nature, I don't have to try to garden in the desert. I need to seek out fertile soil for my endeavors, and I need to choose aspirations which match the soil I've got.

Community moderation

Some of the e-mail lists I'm on are, in my opinion, over-moderated, while others are under-moderated.

What happens in over-moderated lists is I join a group all new and fresh and excited that I've found like-minded people, I put a lot of thought into crafting a message, and I daydream that they will be impressed by my insightfulness, only to get a harsh slap in the face when they tactfully tell me that my contribution not only fails to be insightful, but is in fact inappropriate.

In under-moderated lists, a list may go on happily for some time, and then someone comes in and stirs up all sorts of bad feelings, driving away the people whose contributions I valued most.

Is there no middle ground? I don't think that groups (on-line or otherwise) should be a free-for-all, in which anyone can do whatever they want, no matter how destructive it is, but I also don't think that that things should be decided by authoritarian rule. I think that community members should be able to participate in deciding how the community should be run. I think that if a person's words might hurt others, rather than silence those words, let them be said, and then let the community members express their feelings if they are hurt. In that way, the community learns and grows together. That is actually how it has happened a number of times on one of the e-mail lists I'm on.

It seems to me that Quakers have a good way. Quakers believe that God speaks to all of us. In the unprogrammed branch of Quakerism, there are no designated ministers. Instead, we are all ministers. Anyone in attendance may stand and deliver a message. However, it is also expected that things will be decided by consensus within the community. If you think that God has told you one thing, but everyone else in the community thinks God has told them something different, then you all better sit down and listen to God together for a while.

A nice thing about blogs is you can say whatever you want. You don't have any moderator critiquing you. If people don't like it, they don't have to read it. Similarly, I don't have to deal with the negative people who in my opinion ruin e-mail groups -- I just ignore their blogs.

The same sort of thing applies to real life -- one aspect of getting along with people is leaving them alone. Basically, the amount of time we spend with a person should correspond to the amount of compatibility we have with them. In dealing with other people, enjoy the parts you like, and let the rest be. (There are exceptions, for example, intervening when someone is being a bully.)

Community gathering and wonder

For the past few weeks, I have been blessed with good health, so I went out twice. (I mean, usually I go out to work and grocery shopping, but when I'm not feeling well, I don't want to go places any more than I have to.)

First, I attended a meeting of a simple living group. They meet once a month. At each meeting, they have a speaker on a topic of interest, and a discussion. I liked being amongst people who share my values within my community. I'm accustomed to interacting with people who share my values on the internet, and reading books by people who share my values, but it's something else to be physically in a community. In the discussion, the comment that resonated with me most was about how the politicians talk about growing the economy, no one is talking about reducing consumption.

The other event that I went to was an organ concert. Many cities and towns in my area have one Friday or Saturday evening a month designated as "art night" or a "night out." Tonight was such a night in my town. The organ concert was part of that. It was short, because it was meant to be just one stop as people wander around the downtown. It was put on by a church. I think the people running it were associated with the church, and that the audience was a mix of people from the church and people not from the church.

The audience included people of all ages. There was a little girl (daughter of the organist) who would start crawling away, and the mother would call to her, and then the girl would come back. I was impressed that a child so little that she is crawling would come when called. Before the concert started, when the organist appeared in the organ loft, one of his older kids said from the pews, loud enough for all to hear, "Hi Daddy!"

There were some people dressed in Halloween costumes greeting people as we entered. Up front, there were candles and some of the fake spiderweb stuff people use for Halloween decorations. Also in the front, unobtrusively tucked between two columns, was a skull-like head. Near the end of the last song, a figure appeared. There was a head that was like the skull of a monster, with orange eyes, and the body was draped in sheets. This figure was suspended on a line, and had been mostly unnoticed in the back of the room, but at a particular time during the performance, the figure slid forward along the line to the front of the room.

What struck me was that people put themselves into creating this experience, into the costumes, decorations, and suspended figure. They did this to enhance our experience of the concert. It's beautiful when a community creates something in this way. That's the life I want. I don't want to be shut away in my apartment glued to a computer screen. I want to be a part of my community.

I wrote that the suspended figure had been "mostly unnoticed." The little boy in front of me, who was maybe 8 or 9, noticed it partway through the show. I saw him pointing to the back of the room, and I could tell that what he saw appeared wondrous to him, but I did not turn to look. I heeded the advice of his mother, who advised him not to draw attention, because it would spoil the surprise for other people.

At the front of the room, there was a screen, on which there was a projection of the organist playing. Normally, you just see the back of the organist, and don't see the keyboard, but the screen allowed us to see the keyboard and the organist's hands playing. Before the concert started, on the screen they showed a video clip from Phantom of the Opera. When the little boy in front of me arrived, he wanted to be sure that he was sitting in a way that he could see the screen. To me, the screen was slightly interesting, but not something it was essential to see. Seeing this boy reminded me to view the world with wonder.

Between songs, the organist introduced someone whom he said was going to make an announcement about chocolate. She told us that they had little squares of fair trade chocolate for all of us, and that the chocolate came with a card about why to choose fair trade, about the child labor sometimes used in producing chocolate, and that sort of thing. I thought that was lovely -- that the church used the concert as an opportunity to share their concern for others, that the concern for others was presented in the form of giving chocolate, and that giving chocolate was so fitting for a Halloween themed concert.

I hope my health continues, so that I can continue to be a part of my community. I want to support the people who make the effort to put these things together.

What I like about volunteering at Clearwater

People think I volunteer at Clearwater because it's a folk festival. That's what drew me to it, and an essential part of what it is, that's only a part of it. I'd rather be there as a volunteer, doing work but missing some of the music, than as an audience member attending every performance. One of the things that I like best is being part of the community. I don't necessarily talk to individual people much, but I like being in an environment where I feel like I'm part of the dominant culture. In my regular life, people think the food I eat is weird, they've never heard of the musicians I like, and they think my values are unusual.

Another aspect that I like is the outdoor environment. I like the scenic views and the rugged living. I like pitching a tent. I like being able to weather the rain by wearing a raincoat and rain pants.

What I want to do with my life, Clearwater edition

When I go somewhere -- to the Clearwater festival or to visit my family -- I feel like I know who I am and what's important to me. When I return to my normal life, it is with the sense that soon it will all slip away -- I'll get caught up in my life again, in caring about the wrong things and not knowing who I am.

Here is what attending this year's Clearwater festival told me:

• It's important to me to be in a community where people strive to treat everyone well. If you have a goal of doing good in the world, but you don't treat your own people right, you've lost it. In every community, there will be some discord, but it makes a difference whether or not people have a sense that they are all committed to treating each other as community members.
• I like doing physical work and working with people. Perhaps neither is an area where I would be an expert, but I like doing the work, the nonskilled work that gets assigned to volunteers.
• I like being useful -- having demands placed on me and being able to rise to the occasion.
  
• I like being outside.
• I like not having to cook, wash dishes, drive, clean house, or manage finances.