Considerate

A lot of people seem to think American Beauty was a wonderful movie. I hated it. To me, it's about a man who quits his job, neglects his family, and spends his time lusting after a friend of his teenage daughter. Meanwhile, his wife brings in the family income, takes care of the kids, prepares the meals, and takes care of the house and yard. And, the movie portrays her negatively for being uptight and glorifies her husband for being such a free spirit.

Spending time with my family over the holidays, I was reminded of this movie. No, things in my family are nowhere near as bad as they are in the movie. I just felt that some people were working for the welfare of the family, while others were not considerate of the efforts being made.

It started weeks before, as I planned my travel dates. I tried to find out everyone's schedules, and plan travel dates that would allow me to see everyone. Once I made my plan, I notified my relatives, so that those who still had not formed their plans could plan accordingly. Then, weeks after I had made my plan, my brother informed me that he and his family would be visiting my mother's house on a day that did not coincide with my plans. I had to re-work my plans, and after considering the alternatives, chose to cut short my visit with my father, because it was the least bad of the alternatives.

My brother and his family said that they would be at my mother's place from supper on one day through supper on the following day. My mother and stepfather planned menus and bought groceries to accommodate this plan. Then, at lunch on the second day, my brother and sister-in-law announced that they did not plan to stay for supper after all. It made me mad that my mother and stepfather, who don't have a lot of money, had gone to the trouble of buying food for a meal, and then my brother and sister-in-law decided they were not going to show up for that meal.

The lunch on the second day was our big meal, our Christmas dinner. Usually at my mom's house, we don't have sweets. Sometimes my sister-in-law tries to avoid sweets, but other times she enjoys them. A few weeks in advance of the Christmas dinner, my mother asked my sister-in-law whether or not they should get dessert for the Christmas dinner. My sister-in-law said yes, so my stepfather bought pies. Then, on the evening in the first supper, my sister-in-law mentioned that she did not want any dessert for Christmas dinner.

What bothers me is that my mother and stepfather went out of their way to accommodate the family, and those efforts were trampled on. I feel I am often in the same position. I feel like I'm always looking out for other people -- my family, my friends, and the people I serve in my job. I look out for them, and they take what they want and then leave me behind. I had a friend once who always wanted to spend time with me when I had a car and he didn't. Then he got a car and a girlfriend, and suddenly he wanted nothing to do with me, and alleged that it was all because of my own flaws that he wanted nothing to do with me.

I stayed an extra day at my mother's house in order to see my brother and his family. After they left, I went to my father's house. As I prepared to stay overnight at my father's house, I found that I seemed to be allergic to the blanket I had been planning to use. I got a different blanket, and that one seemed to be okay. However, my father told me all the places I could look for blankets, jackets, etc., in case I should wake up in the night and find I was allergic to this blanket after all.

After all the energy I invest in looking out for other people, someone was looking after me. It was like after tightening my coat against the cold, I could bask in sunlight. And it was not only that it was that I was being looked after. It was that I had a partner, someone who shares my belief that looking after people is the thing to do.

There is some emphasis in our culture on being assertive, standing up for yourself, not being taken advantage of. There are people who think that if I feel I am helping others but others are not giving back, that's a sign that I should be more assertive. But for me, standing up for myself means standing up against those who tell me I should stop helping others. I will not stop looking after other people because other people tell me I ought to. Instead, I seek to build a community where everyone looks after each other. I will look after people, but I will focus that energy on people who are trying to build the same kind of community I'm trying to build.

Too much advice

Another story I heard on NPR this morning was about the new movie 50/50, which is a comedy about how people react to cancer. It is based on the experiences and interactions of the movie's creators, Will Reiser and Seth Rogen, when Reiser was diagnosed with cancer six years ago. Reiser said in the NPR interview, "You have people just giving you tons and tons of advice about books you should read and foods you should eat. People would recommend getting oxygen injections and ... going down to the Amazon, drinking a tea from a shaman. You know, like, just all kinds of advice."

I have never had cancer, but I have experienced the onslaught of advice. When I tell people about any problem I face, they often respond by throwing advice at me. It feels as if they can't accept me in my present state, and so they want to fix me, to shape me into someone more acceptable.

That is why I have become more solitary over the past six years. Because so few people have been able to just be present with me as I am. They all just hasten to try to shape me into someone with more perfect circumstances. Such people drain my energy, so I choose not to interact with them.

Secondhand Lions

The point of Secondhand Lions has to do with the idea that these guys lived life to the fullest, that they had wild and exciting lives. But most of that exciting stuff they did consisted of physical fighting. Why does that have to be considered so heroic and glamorous? Can't you have people be exciting and glamorous because they grow food for people to eat, build houses for people to live in, educate children, or try to figure out how to eliminate poverty? But no, those are conventional occupations, and the heroes in our TV and movies are the ones who rebel against conventional occupations and do something more glamorous, like sword-fighting.

American Dreamz

While I was sick, I watched part of American Dreamz on TV. I liked the sense of humor. It was satirical. The sense of humor reminded me of Zoolander. I usually find that most so-called comedies are just dumb. Other things I've found funny are Moonstruck, Boston Legal, and Fierce Creatures. I think sometimes the funniest movies or TV shows are the ones that are also saying something serious, maybe because in order to say something serious, they have to treat their characters with some respect. What I don't like are the "comedies" about people just being idiots, or those based on misunderstanding and deception.

In American Dreamz, I felt that Tony Yalda stole the show, though he played a caricatured minor character. He was just so full of life. I wanted to see more of him.

Two different movies: A Lot Like Love and The Visitor

I saw two movies this weekend: A Lot Like Love and The Visitor. Neither was terrible and neither was wonderful, but it was interesting to note the contrasts between them.

A Lot Like Love was the same as a thousand other movies. The characters were young, good-looking, confident, and articulate. Sure they didn't have their lives all together and had their awkward moments, but they acted like people in movies act, not like regular people. The awkward moments were not truly awkward but were perfectly performed comedic acting. The plot was exactly the same as any other romantic comedy: man and women meet, have some ups and downs, and the movie ends when they finally decide to be together. Such movies leave me feeling bad about myself for not having that instant chemistry with the guys I meet, and for not having any guys chasing me at all.

As formulaic as romantic comedies are, there are some that I've enjoyed to a certain extent. This one was nothing special for the most part, but there was one scene that resonated with me. The guy and girl were each feeling the pain of rejection from other relationships, and to escape it, they just got in a car and drove. At one point, they sang along to a song on the radio. It brought back to me the times I've been in that carefree mode, driving around with someone just for the sake of adventure and singing along to the radio. It brought me the joy of that experience mixed with the sadness that my life is not like that any more. The song they were singing along with was a song of heartbreak which I listened to a lot when I was younger. Again, that brought me a mix of the joy of hearing the song mixed with the sadness of the emotion conveyed in the song.

The Visitor was refreshingly not exactly like a thousand other movies. I was especially impressed with Danai Jekesai Gurira, who played Zaineb. Zaineb came across as a genuine person rather than as a movie star. The characters in The Visitor were not all young and good-looking. The main character was over 60. When people found themselves in an encounter with a stranger, they were awkward and had little to say. A wife's irritation with her husband wasn't a part of the big ups and downs you see in a typical romantic comedy, it was part of a stable relationship. A man and a woman met for the first time came in time to share some affection, but it wasn't instant chemistry leading to sex, and then the promise of happily ever after at the movie's conclusion. So many movies are about finding true love in a way that's about finding something to make you happy. This one was about coming to care about something larger than yourself. In particular, about the plight of illegal immigrants in the U.S. I liked the way they showed images such as the flag and the Statue of Liberty to make the contrast between the ideals we claim to embrace and the way people are actually treated. I liked it because they just let you see the contrast, they didn't spell everything out for you the way mainstream movies tend to.