Saturday, October 25, 2014


Sometimes chores oppress me.  I go to work, and there's all that to be done.  I come home and there's another batch.  So I rebel.  I read. I go for walks.  I sleep.  I escape.  But there is another way.  Not to be controlled by chores.  Controlled either in forcing myself to do them, or controlled when I flee them.  No, the escape must not be fleeing, avoidance.  There are times to make the choice to nurture myself.  To fill  myself with strength.  And then to take that strength and turn it on the chores, to do what must be done.  Not to find my way to the last annoying chore, but to see what path I truly want to walk, and then do the hard work to get me there.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Square peg

From "The Mechanic Gives 100 Percent" in What Should I Do With My Life by Po Bronson: "You gotta stop squeezing into a round hold if you're a square peg. You're going to have a heart attack in five years."

He wanted to stop, but he didn't know how.  It took a serious injury.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Going to heaven?

My co-worker felt like she had just done a good deed.  She commented, "I'll go to Heaven."  Then she added, "As long as he doesn't hear what I say under my breath."

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Worthy enough for jobhunting?

I thought I shouldn't be jobhunting yet because I don't know what I want to do, I'm not qualified.  I don't deserve to be hired yet.  I need to become worthy first.

At the job interview, they thought I was very qualified.  Their concern was that I didn't really want the job because I was too good.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Job interview

When they told me they wanted me to come for a job interview, I was filled with dread. I felt like it is just this torture I force myself to go through for no real reason.  I didn't want to go.

My brain knew better, but my heart was resistant.

Well it was a lovely day.  It was lovely to go for a drive on a beautiful fall day.  It was lovely to be in New England.  It was a nice place.

My brain knew all that all along, but the rest of me sure didn't.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Still searching

Vacation day.  Certain things I am supposed to get done today.  Haven't done them yet, half past noon.  Been reading What Should I Do With My Life.  They had an apartment for writers, not to live in, but to work in, so they would have an office to go to, and could be with other writers.  The book talked about the importance of being around people who are interested in what you are interested in.

Also, I read an article on LinkedIn about how people in their 40s settle at their job, just collect their paycheck, but it's not really what they want to do.  They don't develop their skills or their network.  Then they get laid off in their 50s and can't find a job.

It seems like I just apply for jobs here and there, but I'm not rooted.  I need to find what I want.  I need to build a community.  I need to build my skills.  I need to find ways to do that both in my job and outside of my job.  I need to weed out of my life the things that don't contribute to that.  I don't mean things that don't contribute to career development. I mean things that don't contribute to me growing into who I am.

But at the same time, I think sometimes I use this kind of thinking as an excuse to not apply for jobs.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


I could not tell if it was a cricket or the smoke alarm.

I had smoke alarms on my mind.  My smoke alarm did not go off yesterday morning when I had some smoke from overcooked food.  I realized it has been too long since I replaced the batteries.

So when I heard chirping I thought maybe the smoke alarm finally decided to go off.  It was slower and quieter than a smoke alarm normally is, but I attributed that to the weak battery.

When my smoke alarm goes off, I've always known that cause and known my house was not burning down, so the response is normally to go get the ladder and climb up the ladder to get to the smoke alarm, and then take out the battery.  So I got as far as climbing up the ladder, but the sound just did not seem to be coming from the smoke alarm, so I left the battery.

I think there is a lost snowy tree cricket in my house.

Still trying to figure it out

Saturday and Sunday tired.  Tried to force myself to avoid fiction and do chores.  But nonetheless spent lots of time on fiction and rest.  Monday took a sick day.  No attempt at productivity.  Fiction all day long.  It was good for me.  I felt better Tuesday.

Wednesday tai chi class and Morris dance practice.  They were fun.  I like to go out and do things -- talk to people, move, dance, sing.  I don't like working at home alone on the computer.

Tuesday conclusion: good to spend time home resting
Wednesday conclusion: want to go out and be engaged

Sounds contradictory.  But maybe not.  Maybe it's simple.  Maybe the answer is I need some of both.