Still trying to figure out who I am

Sometimes it seems that I am the opposite of who I used to be. I used to be idealistic. Now I am bitter and cynical. I used to want to save the world. Now I can't even save myself. I used to be energetic and loved climbing mountains, skiing, and rollerblading. Now I am tired and just want to stay home and rest. I used to love being surrounded by friends. Now I am a hermit. I try to avoid being around people. I don't like most people.

But I still love the same songs I've loved for as long as I can remember. I still love to dance, like I have for as long as I can remember. I still love the outdoors, like I have for as long as I can remember. I still love the same books I loved 20 years ago. I do like some people, and I'm still drawn to the same traits that I've been drawn to in the past.

I'm still the same person. But two weights press upon me. One is the weight of fatigue. The other is the weight of my job. It is because I live under these weights that I just want to stay home, rest, and be by myself whenever I get the chance.

Fluid identities

One would think that a person either is or is not Christian, Pagan, etc., but it's not so simple.

A Jewish person, seeing that my ancestors were Christian for centuries, and that I celebrate Christmas, would call me Christian.

A devout and conservative Christian, seeing that I don't consider Jesus to be my personal savior, nor the Bible to be the word of God, would say that I am not a Christian.

Some, seeing that I practice an earth-centered religion inspired by pre-Christian traditions, might call me a Pagan.

Others, seeing that I don't believe in gods or magick, might say I'm not a Pagan.

Sometimes we change, but other times, we stay the same as the words attached to us shift, depending on who is doing the attaching.

If a person sees who I am, I don't really care if they call me Christian or not-Christian, Pagan or not-Pagan. If they see who I am, then the words they choose to apply vart depending on how they define the words.

Instruction manual

Someone told me that he finds me unfathomable, and that someone should write an instruction manual for me. This is what I came up with:

1. I only talk if people are interested in what I have to say. There's no point in talking to people who ask questions just for the sake of making conversation, or in talking to people who just want to hear themselves talk. Ask me questions and be interested in the answer. Tell me things because you actually want me to hear them.
2. If you wonder how I feel or what I think, ask me. I'm egotistical -- happy to talk about myself.
3. Being direct and open, even if it's clumsy, is better than being smooth and charming, because it's more honest. The exception to being direct:
4. Any subtle hint that I did something wrong or that you don't like me I'm likely to pick up on even if it's subtle.
5. Don't tell me to cheer up, or that I should not be upset about something.  If something bothers me, respect the fact that it bothers me.
6. Don't tell me what to do. Conveying some useful facts can be acceptable at times, but don't tell me that I'd be happier if I spent more time doing a particular thing. Your advice on how to reform myself is not what will help me blossom. Instead:
7. You help me blossom just by listening to me and believing in me. When you point out my strengths, that helps those strengths to blossom.
8. I know my flaws. When you accept me for who I am, you give me space to work on correcting them. When you criticize me, I flare up on the defensive, which does not leave me room to grow.
9. I might not know all my flaws, or all the ways that I might hurt you, so if I do something that bothers you, just inform me that it bothers you and trust me that I'll try to fix it, rather than yelling at me for doing it.
10. When people are pushy, i.e. telling me what I should do and not being interested in listening to me, I am likely to respond by shutting off. I say what I need to in order to be polite, but I don't share who I am with them.
11. However, that's not the only reason I'm quiet, so don't assume that's what's going on if I'm not talking. Maybe you just said something so fascinating that now I'm thinking hard.
12. If you tell me I should do something (read a certain book, engage in a certain activity) that may decrease my interest in doing it, because I want to make my own choices. However if you tell me that you like something, that may increase my interest in it.
13. The measure of a person is their compassion, respect, and integrity. I don't measure you by your lifestyle, habits, quirks, prestige, etc.
14. Don't talk about what morons other people are. It's okay to talk about how much they annoy you, because that's about your own feelings.
15. Don't think that you are better than other people. Don't think you deserve a high salary because you worked so hard to get where you are.
16. Live a life of conscience, and understand that I also live a life of conscience, even though our consciences may lead us down different paths. Strive to be the best person you can be, and support me as I strive to be the best person I can be.
17. Be responsive to how other people feel. Back off when you bother someone.
18. Although it's true that it's disrespectful to talk endlessly about topics that don't interest me, or to tell me things that will hurt me, on the other hand, keep in mind that I am flattered when you choose share your thoughts, feelings, and interests with me, even though they might not be the same things I would be interested in. I want to know who you are, even though that includes parts that are different from me.  When you choose not to share something with me, you are shutting me out of a part of you.
19. On the other hand, I do respect that there are some things that you don't want to talk about.  As I get to know you, I'll make note of the topics you don't like to talk about, and I'll stay away from them.
20. I like conversations where people build on each other's ideas. This requires that people engage in understanding each other's ideas. I don't like it when people are just trying to prove their points without listening to each other.
21. If I invite you to do something and you don't want to do it, just say no.  Don't clutch at straws in a desperate attempt to find an excuse.  When you clutch at straws, what I hear is that you're lying to me, and that you are desperately trying to evade me.  
22. If you are done being friends with me, then go.  I deserve to be with people who cherish and respect me.  If you keep hanging around for fear I'll be devastated by your departure, stop being so full of yourself and just go.  
23. I love to be silly and laugh. I like to frolic and sing and roll in the grass and play with kids.
24. The greatest joy in life is to be with friends and family.
25. I like to talk about my family. The best way to get me talking is to ask about my family.
26. Close friends are adopted family.
27. I like to keep track of who is who and how they are connected to each other. For example, today after my radio show, my mother was very interested to keep track of the fact that the members of Schooner Fare are Chuck Romanoff, Steve Romanoff, and the late Tom Rowe, and that Tom Rowe was the father of Dave Rowe of the Dave Rowe Trio. When I was in school, I would tell my mother and aunt who all the kids in my class were. Now I am fortunate to have a job that involves a lot of keeping track of information about people.
28. I am more comfortable with kids than with grownups.
29. I like to write about my ideas and make lists of stuff, such as this "instruction manual," as well as lists of favorite musicians, favorite songs, etc. I make a lot of to-do lists, ranging from chores to do today to goals for the rest of my life. I'm not so big on implementation. In the same way, when playing make-believe as a child, I would invent a cast of characters, but then lose interest when it got to time for the characters to do things.
30. I love the outdoors. I am completely head-over-heels captivated by being on the rocky ocean shores of Maine. Other bodies of water are nice too, viewed from shore or from a boat. I love rollerblading. I love walking barefoot in the grass. I love leafy green trees. I love sunshine, blue skies, and sunsets over water.
31. I love music (not all music, but certain music). I love dancing.
32. I thrive in a community in which people strive to treat each other with kindness and respect, and which values what I have to offer.
33. I try to shop at locally owned businesses and farmer's markets, and to get organic food. If I ever become a homeowner, I want solar power.
34. I try to be kind to all, but I am selective about whom I get close to.

Favorites

Some of my favorite things include:

• Activities: hanging out with friends and family, rollerblading, hiking, dancing, boating, sitting on rocks by the ocean, concerts and festivals (especially outdoors)
• Sights: oceans, lakes, rivers, trees (with leaves on them or evergreens), see also favorite colors and favorite flowers
• Sounds: the ocean, see also favorite musicians
• Smells: clean outdoor air, pine, cedar, ocean
• Feels: sunshine, grass, comfortable clothes
• Tastes: strawberries, blueberries, flan, pudding, ice cream
• Colors: rainbow, tie-dye, lavender, jade
• Flowers: hydrangeas, lilacs, wisteria
• Names: Emma, Griffin, Hannah, Holly, Jacob, Jade, Jill, Joy, Juniper, Kate, Logan, Sage, Sierra
• Musicians, female vocalists: Ronnie Gilbert, Jessee Havey, Carol Noonan, Leandra Peak, Linda Thompson, Mary Travers, Carol Young
• Musicians, male vocalists : Eric Andersen, Dan Berggren, Joe Crookston, Tom Paxton, Elvis Presley, Tom Rhoads, Tao Rodriguez Seeger, Bill Staines
• Musicians, charismatic and inspiring: Ronnie Gilbert, Tao Rodriguez Seeger, Pete Seeger
• Musicians, groups: Kim and Reggie Harris, Magpie, Peter, Paul, and Mary, Schooner Fare, Serendipity Singers, Smithfield Fair, , the Weavers, Woods Tea Company
• Musicians, not folk: Abba, Beatles, Bee Gees, Meat Loaf, Renaissance, Happy Rhodes, Spirit in Flesh
• Songs:
  The "by" in the list below refers to performer, not necessarily the writer.
  
  • What you Are by the Greencards
  • Out of the Rain by the Duhks
  • Mountain Air by Dan Berggren
  • Mary Ellen Carter by Stan Rogers
  • Arrow by Cheryl Wheeler
  • This is a Mean World by Sweet Honey in the Rock
  • Give Light by Magpie
    
  • Poor Me / (may there always be sunshine) by Joe Crookston
    
  • Rock Me Grandpa by the Limeliters
    
  • There is a Mountain by Donovan
    
  • Funeral for a Friend by Elton John
  • Don't Give Up by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush
  • Wake Up by John McCutcheon
  Songs I like because of the sound, lively
  • Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
  • Love is Strange by Mickey and Sylvia
  • Big Blue Sky by Rachel Garlin
    
  • Cosecha lo que Siembres by Roy Brown, Tito Auger, and Tao Rodriguez Seeger
  Songs I like because of the sound, mellow
  • Young Westley by Mary McCaslin
    
  • Wicked Game by Gypsy Soul
  • Acony Bell by Gillian Welch or Annie and the Hedonists
    
  • The Water is Wide by Mustard's Retreat
  • If I Needed You by Lyle Lovett
  • No Pride at All by Jesse Winchester
  • Defying Gravity by Jesse Winchester
  • So Long Marianne by Leonard Cohen
  • Drop Me Down by Tres Chicas
    
  • How the Night Time Sings by Brooks Williams
  • Peace Will Come by Tom Paxton
    
  • She Loved Moses by Amy Fradon
  • Potter's Wheel by Freyda Epstein
  • Evona Darling by Linda Thompson with Teddy Thompson
  • Quite Early Morning by the Mammals
  • Tango to Evorra by Loreena McKennitt
  • Night Ride Across the Caucasus by Loreena McKennitt
    
  • The Dolphins by Billy Bragg
  • Roseville Fair by Bill Staines
  • I Don't Want Your Millions Mister by Tao Rodriguez Seeger
  • Closer by Rani Arbo and Daisy Mayhem
    
  Songs I like because of the lyrics
  • Sara McCutcheon by Cathy Fink
  • The Golden Glove by John Wesley Harding
    
  • One Voice by Wailin' Jennies
  • Waltz of the Wallflowers by Small Potatoes
  • Horizontal Hold by Peter Ostroushko
  • Hot Frogs on the Loose by Fred Small
  • Rock Me to Sleep by Faith Petric
    
  Songs about peace, simplicity, love and other good values
  • 10,000 Candles, 10,000 Cranes by Small Potatoes
  • From Every Mountain Side by Dan Berggren
  • Peace Begins in my Own Heart by Dan Berggren
  • Satisfied Mind by the Mammals
  • Riverside by Ollabelle
  • The Only Way by Ellis Paul
  • Rich by Neal and Leandra
    
  • Old Green Sweater by Dan Berggren
  • Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton
    
  • What We Left Behind by Tom Pacheco
  • Alice by Peggy Eyres and Dan Berggren
  • Tannery Pond Reel by Dan Berggren, Chris Shaw, and John Kirk
  • Boys in the Choir by Tom Chapin
  • My Personal Revenge, recorded by Jackson Browne, written by Tomás Borge & Louis Enrique Mejía Godoy; English translation by Jorge Calderón.
  Poignant songs
  
  • Ten Dollar Christmas by Christopher Shaw and Bridget Ball
  • Christmas in the Trenches by John McCutcheon
  • Jack and Lucy by Hugh and Katie Moffatt
  • Something in the Rain by Tish Hinojosa
  • Kilkelly, Ireland by Greenfields of America
  • Frankie and Johnny by Garnet Rogers
  • Outside by Kate Blain
    
  Songs of long-lasting loves
  • Dance and Sway by Joe Crookston
  • Lies by Stan Rogers
• Radio stations: WMPG, WMUD, WUMB
• Authors: Tamora Pierce, Cynthia Voigt, Robin McKinley
• Fictional characters: Luna Lovegood, Sandrilene fa Toren
• Actors, female: Drew Barrymore, Kate Jackson, Brittany Murphy
• Actors, male: Nicholas Cage, John Cusack, Johnny Depp
• TV: Boston Legal, Pushing Daisies
• Movies: Adaptation, Fierce Creatures, High Fidelity, Mama Mia, Moonstruck, Secretary, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
• States: Maine, Vermont
• Accents: Maine
  
• Colleges: College of the Atlantic, Haverford, Marlboro

My people

I come from a family of New Englanders, Quakers, rural people, hippies, vegetarians, farmers, organic gardeners, and educators. Some have been activists. We are more concerned with the well-being of the world (including humans, animals, and the environment) than with the glory of our country. We value thriftiness and integrity. We wear things out thoroughly before discarding them, which can mean things like driving cars with non-functioning gas gauges, eating off chipped plates, and wearing clothes with holes in them. We live according to our values and could be role models for those who observe and appreciate, but we don't bring attention to ourselves. We assume other people are living according to their own needs, abilities, and preferences, so we don't tell them they ought to live differently. We take what life brings us and make the best of it more than we fight the people who don't behave as we would wish them to. We avoid wealth and prestige. We seldom know what the latest fashions are. We are more troubled by pushy people than by taciturn people. In fact, we tend to be taciturn ourselves. We like to read. We are not good at singing, but we like to do it anyhow. We are not particularly handy with things like carpentry and machinery. We think that people who aspire to be investment bankers or soldiers are weirder than people who are imprisoned for their activism or people who choose to live without plumbing. We are rugged, outdoor people, but sometimes our ruggedness is tempered by illness. We are proud to be out of step with the mainstream.

My quiz results

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors. You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself. Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming. Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships. Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

What Color Crayon Are You?

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

You Are Picky When it Counts

Like most sane women, you want a great guy who will treat you well. But you're also willing to put up with a few flaws in your Mr. Right You should congratulate yourself on having a realistic approach to dating. You probably have quite a few great guys you can date!

Are You Too Picky When It Comes To Men?

You Are 33% Scary

You scare men off ocassionaly, but only very weak men. You're a normal woman. You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close.

Do You Scare Off Men?

You are a Hippie

You are a total hippie. While you may not wear birks or smell of incense, you have the soul of a hippie. You don't trust authority, and you do as you please. You're willing to take a stand, even when what you believe isn't popular. You like to experiment with ideas, lifestyles, and different subcultures. You always gravitate toward what's radical and subversive. Normal, mainstream culture doesn't really resonate with you.

Are You a Hippie?

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait

How Do Men See You?

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Your Inner Muse is Euterpe

You are most like this muse of music. While you may or may not be musical... You love music and set life to your own personal soundtrack. And you are good at making anyone's heart sing!

What Muse Are You?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Intrapersonal Intelligence

Reflective and thoughtful, you enjoy spending time alone. You are good at analyzing yourself - and knowing your true feelings. Totally self aware, you are in tune with your dreams and desires. A spiritual and philosophical person, your inner calmness inspires and helps others. You would make a great philosopher, researcher, or theorist.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

You Are Psyche!

Eternally in search of purpose and insight. You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder. Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily. Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!

What Goddess Are You?

Links in a chain

Over the years, a few people I once considered my friends have told me, "You should be more like your sister." The implication was that I should be more adventurous. But that's not how I see things. The way I see things, we each have our own path, and the thing to do is to follow one's own path. My sister is the ultimate traveler while my mother is the ultimate homebody, but they are the same because both are following their own paths. My sister's life is more glamorous than my mother's, but glamor is irrelevant. Whether one's life is glamorous has little bearing on whether one is being true to oneself and living up to one's potential.

I feel that my grandmother, my mother, my sister, and myself are a chain of women across the generations. Even though our lives are very different on a superficial level, we are all carrying on the same tradition. We carry on the tradition of striving to follow our own paths rather than conforming to expectations. We also carry on the tradition of being the kind of person who would never say to someone, "You should be more like ____." Instead, we are the kind of person who says, "It's wonderful that you are yourself." We view others in a compassionate, respectful way. Although we recognize the validity of diverse viewpoints, we are selective about which people we become close to. We are committed to our family and those we have chosen as friends. We encourage the people in our lives to follow their own paths rather than telling them how they should be. We live life heartily and with integrity, but also diplomatically. We don't put up a fight against others, we just go our own way. The people in my family are role models to me not because of the number of adventures they have but because of the way they follow the path that is true for them, regardless of its glamor or adventurousness. I am one of them because I am true to me, and anyone who tells me I should be different from what I am is missing the boat.

Generations

I always felt like a girl without a generation, caught between baby boomers and generation X. Today I found out there's a name for people like me: Generation Jones. Technically, I'm several months too young to qualify for Generation Jones, but culturally, it resonates with me much more than Generation X, which I supposedly belong to. And it's not like generations have a strict cutoff date, where if you're born one day, you belong to one generation, while if you are born the next day, you belong to the following generation.