Once More With Feeling

Just watched "Once More With Feeling."  She really captures where I'm at:

Every single night, the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight.
Still I always feel this strange estrangement
Nothing here is real, nothing here is right.
I've been making shows of  trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part.
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
I was always brave, and kind of righteous.
Now I find I'm wavering.
....
 I can't even see
 If this is really me
And I just want to be alive

She's not telling her friends how she is hurting because they just try to press her to be okay, and she's not okay.  The only person she can talk to is someone who knows darkness, who can be present with her in darkness, rather than pressing her to be cheery.  She doesn't know how to go forward.  She goes through the motions of what she has to do, but she knows it's not right and she doesn't know any way out.

Names in Restless

In the commentary on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "Restless, " Joss Whedon says

Somebody actually pointed out to me something that I hadn't noticed, which was that they talk about letting something tell you its name - and then later on Riley talks about naming things. Specifically, the idea of the more feminine and masculine versions of how to experience the world. In the feminine version of letting it come to you and the masculine version of conquering it and codifying it yourself.

The two conversations which Joss references went as follows:

Tara:  You'd think she'd let us know her name by now.
Willow: She will.

and

Riley: Buffy, we've got important work here.  A lot of filing, giving things names.

I don't see it as masculine vs. feminine.  I see it more as spiritual vs. material, or druidic vs. modernist.  For me, druidry is about letting things unfold, seeing things for what they are.

There are three other references to names in this episode.

1. Willow asks Tara,  "Have you told me your real name?" and Tara replies, "Oh, you know that."
2. The former robot-demon Adam appears now as a human government agent.  When they are talking of names, Buffy asks him "What was yours?"  He says, "Before Adam? Not a man among us can remember."
3. The first slayer, speaking through Tara, says, "I have no speech. No name. I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute ... alone. "

It seems we must have names in order to be connected, to be known.  Willow and Tara are connected, so Willow  knows Tara's true name.  The first slayer is alone, and has no name.  Adam's past is lost, so his name is forgotten.

The Zeppo

In the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "The Zeppo," Xander learns what it takes to be cool.  It's about knowing inside yourself that you are okay, rather than seeking validation from others.  At the beginning of the episode, Cordelia's put-downs bother him.  At the end of the episode, they don't bother him.  He can see that she is just being petty.  He can rise above her insults because he has self-assurance.

Several episodes earlier in "The Wish," Willow shows that same sort of seeking validation from others.  Oz has asked for some space in their relationship.  She keeps trying to talk to him, trying to make things better.  He says, "I told you what I need. So I can't help feeling like the reason you want to talk is so you can feel better about yourself. That's not my problem."

That might sound harsh if you're just reading it, but if you see the scene, you can see that he says it kindly, He's right.  It's not his job to make Willow feel better.

I've seen in romantic break-ups and other situations of rejections and broken relationships that sometimes people keep going to each other, to try to fix the hurt.  But they need to stop looking to each other to fix the hurt.  They need to find their own paths.

If someone who has rejected me feels bad about it and tries to heal my hurt over it, he is just stringing me along.  If I want to be with him and can't be with him the way I want to, then when he continues to dangle himself in front of me, he's just continuing the hurt.  And he's telling me that he does not have faith that I can take care of myself.  He should show me respect and kindess, but then he should step away.

When I get that feeling inside of me that I'm seeking someone's approval, that's an alarm bell that tells me that that person erodes my self-confidence, and that I should stay away from that person.

When you see another person seeking that approval, don't tell them they are trying too hard.  When you see another person seeking that approval, what you are seeing is a person who is hurting.  Be kind to that person.

When I'm hurting that way, it's best for me to look inward, to music, dance, trees, the ocean, and meditation for healing.  But if the hurt comes back, I shouldn't beat myself up about it.  The hurt will come back as long as people who erode me remain in my life, and as long as people who support me are absent from my life.

Strong female characters

While I've been sick the past week, I've been watching a lot of Wonder Woman.  I have season 3 of the TV series on DVD.  I had not watched it before.  I like it for the same reasons I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I like the strong female main character, and I like the acrobatics.  (Buffy is better though, because it also has deeper meanings and story arcs.)

I like the way Wonder Woman flies through the air and so forth, but otherwise, as a character, the one I like more is her alter ego, Diana Prince.  What I like about Diana and Buffy is that while being strong and smart, they are also nice people.

I think sometimes when people try to write strong female characters, they overdo the strong.  It's like they think that to show that a woman is strong, they have to make her icy like Kathryn Janeway and Seven of Nine, fiery like B'Elanna Torres and Kira Nerys, or haughty like Princess Leia and Hermione.  They don't see how a woman can be just a nice person and still be strong.  But Diana Prince and Buffy Summers show that you can be nice and still be strong.

Comedy

School was a tedious chore, and then I went to college and I was like, "Wow, why didn't anyone ever tell me that school could be interesting?!" So it was when I watched Fierce Creatures and I was like, "Wow, why didn't anyone tell me that comedy could be funny?!" It was suggested at the time that perhaps I preferred British humor and would also like Monty Python, but I think Monty Python is even worse than that stuff that Americans call comedy. There have however been two other things that were funny, one Italian and one American: the first part of Life is Beautiful and Boston Legal. Those were the most significant ones, but there have been snippets of humor elsewhere, such as in High Fidelity and Moonstruck.

Tonight I was changing channels on the TV and thinking I really should go to bed but I'm too tired to get up when I came across The Vicar of Dibley. That gave me the same reaction as Fierce Creatures. I was laughing and delighted, and amazed that comedy was actually funny for a change.

TV: Medium

I don't really watch any TV show regularly, but one TV show that I like is Medium. The reason why I like it is because it portrays a loving, stable family (a married couple with kids). Most TV shows seem to think that they should keep throwing conflict, misunderstanding, and deception into all the relationships, because otherwise people won't find it interesting. So to all the TV writers and directors, I just want to say that I for one prefer the shows with the stable loving relationships.

Soap operas are underrated

I think soap operas are underrated. When I first had mono almost three years ago, I became quite familiar with the daytime TV schedule, and figured out which shows I wanted to watch. One soap opera, General Hospital, caught my interest. The reason that it caught my interest was because it had a geek on it, Bradford Anderson as Damian Spinelli. I started watching it for him, and gradually figured out bits of the rest of the plot. Since then, I would check in again whenever I was sick. Thanks to the internet, over the past few weeks (starting before this most recent time I was sick), I've watched most of the episodes that have aired in the past 4-6 weeks. After you watch a bunch of episodes and really figure out what it goes on, it comes across differently, because things cohere as a whole. When you just watch a few episodes here and there, you take in a lot of loose bits of information, but they don't fall into place to create a whole picture in the same way.

When I see a soap opera I'm not familiar with, it still looks the same way soap operas always did: melodramatic plot lines trying to make up for weak acting, weak characters, and weak sets. But now that I've come to know General Hospital, I look at it in new ways. I am awed by the complexity of the history. A relationship between some people was said to parallel the relationship between their parents about 20 years before, and that wasn't just something made up for the story as it would be in a movie, it was something that actually happened on the show 20 years ago. And can you imagine what a challenge it must be for the writers to write five episodes a week, and for the actors to learn lines for five episodes a week?

When relationships change, when a new love interest develops, things evolve over time. One thing I've complained about in primetime shows is that it's just like boom, person X loves person Y, and you don't see any reason for it other than because the writers thought it was time for a new love interest. In General Hospital, you see the bonds gradually growing, the bonds devolop first, before the love interest is declared.

Soap operas are supposed to have bad actors. It's true I'm not terribly impressed with Maurice Benard, but it was Bradford Anderson's ability to exude his character that first drew me to the show, and now I find that Sarah Brown and Kirsten Storms sparkle.

2007-08 Best TV shows

For the past few seasons, my favorite TV shows were Boston Legal and Veronica Mars. This season, Veronica Mars was gone, but there was a fitting replacement in Pushing Daisies.

Pushing Daisies was only on for 9 episodes in the fall, and I think I only saw four of them. It is due back next fall. I call it a fitting replacement for Veronica Mars because I think both appeal to a younger, science-fiction/fantasy, light-hearted sort of crowd, while Boston Legal may appeal more to liberal intellectuals.

I like Pushing Daisies because it is funny, quirky, has good values, and is packed with stuff. What I mean by packed with stuff is that they just rattle off clever puns so fast that you may not even notice them all the first time around.

I like Boston Legal because it is quirky, hilarious, discusses important issues, and treats its characters with respect. This is a show that features a midget, a transvestite, and a man who purrs whose girlfriend left him for an iPhone, and which treats such characters with respect while at the same time taking full advantage of the potential for humor. I like the fact that there are characters in their 60's or so who are real people, people who still experience romance and friendship just like younger people do. You don't see that so much in TV and movies. I like the depth of caring the characters show toward each other. In particular, I'm thinking of Shirley's love for Denny. They dated a long time ago. She is a powerful, intelligent woman. He is losing his marbles, and something of a buffoon. He wants to get back with her romantically, and shows it in very immature ways, but she sees past that and loves him as the man who has been a part of her life for decades. Also, the friendship between Denny and Alan is the centerpiece of the show. It's rare to see a friendship between two men who will say "I love you" to each other. They're not type of people who are always talking about their feelings either, they are real men's men, they just happen to have a strong friendship. There are so many so-called comedies which to me are just boring and stupid, but Boston Legal never fails to to be funny. At the same time, it also raises awareness of important issues.

I'd also like to give honorable mention to Private Practice. It's not really any better than the average drama (e.g. Brothers and Sisters, Grey's Anatomy, Boston Public, The Practice, Northern Exposures, Men in Trees, Desperate Housewives, Picket Fences), but I like the way that the characters have been around the block a few times. These are not unspoiled youth seeking true love, whose happy ending comes when they and their love interest decide to get together. These people already found their true love, got married, and got divorced.

This season's best TV shows

This season's best TV shows are the same as last year's: Boston Legal and Veronica Mars.

Boston Legal is good because it's funny and because it raises interesting issues. I must be out of step with the American mainstream because most things they call comedies don't seem funny to me. They just seem stupid. Boston Legal really makes me laugh.

Boston Legal is a lawyer show. Most lawyer shows are about crime, but Boston Legal is about issues. For example, can a company fire someone for smoking on their own time? What about firing someone for their religion, if they talk about their non-mainstream religion in front of clients, thus affecting the company's reputation? Can snack food companies be held responsible for obesity? Should HMO's be allowed to require their patients to get their surgery in India, where it is cheaper?

Another thing that is interesting about Boston Legal but is not what makes it good is the abundance of former Star Trek actors. Kirk and Odo are regular characters. Quark, Seven of Nine, Neelix and Nurse Ogawa have made guest appearances. Other actors of interest include regular characters Candice Bergen and James Spader, and guests Tom Selleck, Parker Posey, Katey Sagal, Heather Locklear, Sharon Lawrence, Al Sharpton, Wes Craven, Howard Hesseman, Monica Potter, Freddie Prinze, Jr., Betty White, Shelley Long, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Robert Wagner, Ed Begley, Jr., Peter MacNicol, Leslie Jordan, Adam Arkin, Corbin Bernsen, and Michael J. Fox. Not as well known is another actor I liked since before she appeared on Boston Legal: Constance Zimmer

Veronica Mars is good because the plots are so rich. Some trivial thing that happens turns out later to mean something. Maybe later in the same episode, or maybe not until later in the season. And even if you know this and try to think about all the things that you would normally overlook because they are trivial, you can't because there are just so many things to think about. I also like the way things from one season don't get totally forgotten in the next season. The death of Veronica's friend and the departure of her mother are in the past now and not constantly on her mind, but they are still part of her history.

Comments on other TV shows

• It's not often that you see married couples on TV who like each other and don't cheat on each other. When you do, it may be as parents, when the interesting stuff is being done by their teenage children. I liked Mad About You and Medium because they were about married people who liked each other and who still had interesting enough lives to be the focus of the show. Firefly and Star Trek did make an effort, but it was more like there was a token married couple as part of the show, not like marital bliss was mainstream.
  
• Sometimes it seems like writers are lazy about character and plot, and just throw in romance, sex, mystery, crime, and violence to hold people's attention. That was how I felt about the romance between Troi and Worf in Star Trek: The Next Generation. I didn't see any basis for them to like each other other than the writers wanted to add a romance to make viewers more interested. The impression I get from 24 and Lost is that the writers make everything very intense in order to attract viewers. Similarly, shows like Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill have a lot of relationship complications to attract viewers. I've watched the new show The Nine twice, and I think it may fall into that category. The way they hint at things that happened in the bank is meant to use mystery to attract people.
• I also enjoy some shows which focus on characters and relationships: Gilmore Girls, 7th Heaven, Men in Trees, Six Degrees, and Brothers & Sisters. Gilmore Girls and 7th Heaven have been on for a while. I've never taped every episode like I do with Veronica Mars and Boston Legal, but I've caught episodes here and there. I caught a few recent episodes of 7th Heaven in which Lucy was lashing out at everyone because she was feeling the pain of loss. It could seem like she was being too crazy, but it resonanted with me because I've been in the same sort of mood. Maybe I am feeling the strain that I have to keep on behaving properly even when I feel like lashing out, so I get some gratification in watching someone else lash out. Men in Trees, Six Degrees, and Brothers & Sisters are new and I haven't yet decided how good they are. So far, they do seem to have engaging characters. On Men in Trees, I liked how before Annie and Patrick spent the night together, Annie was afraid to tell him she snores, and Patrick was afraid to tell her he wears a retainer at night. In the end, they were there sleeping side by side, with the retainer and the snoring. They looked like real people in a way I don't often see on TV. People on TV are usually more glamorous.
• After the first episode of Ugly Betty, I thought it had the potential to be good. The idea of a hero who does not meet standards of beauty is not that earth-shattering, and yet Ugly Betty is refreshing for that reason. I mean, characters on shows such as The New Adventures of Old Christine, The Class, and Friends may feel like they aren't glamorous enough to be attractive, but the reality is that they do look more like movie stars than regular people. Betty doesn't. But it wasn't just that. In the first episode, her boss asked her to do things like take the cabbage out of his coleslaw, and she was compliant. Our culture places so much value on assertiveness. It was refreshing to see being agreeable cast in a positive light. But now that I've seen three episodes, the show seems much too simplistic. It's always Betty making some mistake but triumphing in the end. It's always the glamorous people being self-centered and cruel. The characters are not people, they are caricatures. This is particularly true for the bad people: Wilhemina, Marc, and Amanda. What I liked in Deep Space Nine was that there were many factions with different agendas (Federation, Bajorans, Cardassians, Ferengi, Founders), but you could see how people on each side felt they were fighting for what was right. Wilhemina and Amanda are just cruel. I mean, you understand that they want power for themselves, but you just see them as evil, not as humans.
• There are many crime dramas. They are kind of all the same, even though each one has a certain angle to make it different. When I want to watch TV because I'm too tired to do anything else, the crime dramas do hold my attention, but they aren't in the same league as the good shows, Veronica Mars and Boston Legal. Crime dramas I enjoy include Standoff, Vanished, and Without a Trace.

TV shows about lawyers

Boston Legal and Just Legal are both TV show about lawyers, but they show such different views of the legal system. In Boston Legal, everyone is rich and powerful. They get what they want regardless of what's legal, because as lawyers, they know how to win.

In Just Legal, the clients are often poor people from shady backgrounds. And the legal system is a huge bureacracy, so it is often hard to get things done right. The innocent may get convicted. The guilty may go free. The police and prosecutors may not thoroughly investigate. The defense lawyers may make deals with the prosecutors which are in the best interest of the defense lawyers but not in the best interest of the client.

These two shows represent the top and the bottom of the legal profession. They seem completely different, and yet some things are the same. In both, corruption exists in the legal system, and in both, there are people with strong ideals of justice.

You could say that it's like that in any sector of life, that there will be some good and some bad. That may be true, but I don't think it's all equally distributed. There are some places where most people are smart people trying to do the right thing, and other places where most people are lazy, dishonest scoundrels. Each institution or department or office or school or whatever has a certain culture, and people who don't fit that culture tend not to remain. The problem is how to find the pockets of people who share my values, or how to grow those pockets larger in whatever place I'm in.