Just watched "Once More With Feeling." She really captures where I'm at:
Every single night, the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight.
Still I always feel this strange estrangement
Nothing here is real, nothing here is right.
I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part.
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.
I was always brave, and kind of righteous.
Now I find I'm wavering.
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be alive
She's not telling her friends how she is hurting because they just try to press her to be okay, and she's not okay. The only person she can talk to is someone who knows darkness, who can be present with her in darkness, rather than pressing her to be cheery. She doesn't know how to go forward. She goes through the motions of what she has to do, but she knows it's not right and she doesn't know any way out.