Deerskin

Deerskin by Robin McKinley.  I have had this book for years and have read it a  number of times.  It is a book to turn to when I feel hurt and betrayed and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  It is a journey through  hurt, to  healing, and then to reclaiming your power.

I did not feel quite so desperate when I read it this time, but still, it resonated with me.  That sense of detachment.  And then the end.  Moonwoman told her, "Ash is looking forward to running through meadows again, can you  not give yourself leave to run through meadows too?"

Lissar said, "I am hurt...in ways you cannot see, and that I cannot explain, even to myself, but only know that they are are, and a part of me, as much as my hands and eyes and breath are a part of me."

Ossin replied, "I accept that you bear them, and will always bear them, as-- as Ash bears hers."

And they speak in unspoken words that they both hear, and Ossin says in this way, "I have seen the scars you carry, and I love you.  If you and Ash cannot run quite so far as you used because of old wounds, then we will run less far together."

"And she promised herself and Ossin, and Ash and the puppie, that she would try to stay there, for as long as the length of their lives; that she would put her strength now and hereafter toward staying and not fleeing."

It's a book that speaks to the heart.  My heart yearns to be loved that way, and yearns for the love in my heart to be accepted by another.

She says, "I had forgotten that I have thought of you every hour since the night of the ball; I had convinced myself that I had thought of you only every day."

I do. I think of someone all the time.  But he will not come for me the way Ossin came for Lissar.  I spend my life alone.

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy: Chapter 5: Taking Inentory and Finding Balance

In coping with ADHD, we shouldn't blame others and we shouldn't blame ourselves.  We need to take inventory of what we can do and what we can't do.  We need to figure out how much we need of sleep, rest, stimulation, work, play, family, friends, solitude.  What do we need to do for self-care? What can we eliminate from our lives? 

Keep a daily log for several weeks.  Look at how much time you spend on each thing, and how you feel.  Do you have more signs of stress after spending a certain amount of time doing something?  Make up a schedule.  You will need to adjust it.  Keep refining it until it works.

Figure out what you do well, what you do acceptably, and what you shouldn't be attempting to do.  Find ways to do more of what you like and do well of, and less of what you fail at. 

On one hand, you need to keep it simple.  On the other hand, you need to make sure you get enough stimulation.

Make it a habit to get out of bed as soon as the alarm goes off.  You will not want to do this.  When you first get up, do things that don't require much effort.  Ask your family  not to talk to you or make demands on you until you've had time to become alert.

Realize that you don't have to do what other people do.  Get help -- don't do it all yourself.  Use babysitters, gardeners, housecleaners.  Learn to accept that your house won't be perfectly clean.

"You may be a Catholic, a druid, or a dyed-in-the-wool atheist.  Whatever your spiritual beliefs are, there is wisdom in having a sanctioned day of rest."

They probably never expected an actual druid to read those words.  They are suggesting observing a Sabbath day.  I don't think that would work for me, in that it would leave only one day for chores.  But what I can do is have some time every evening for meditation and tai chi.  

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy: Chapter 4: Coping with the Diagnosis

The book says that when we get diagnosed with ADHD, we may be relieved, and we may think that once we go on medication, we can be the normal person we always wanted to be.  However, when we go on the medication, we find that it can't make us into a normal person, and we become depressed.

It's good to know this.  The book also talks about how the despair is part of the journey, and if we continue through the despair, we can find a better life.

After getting the diagnosis, we may feel anger:

• "Why did everyone...blame my difficulties on depression, lack of motivation, or poor character?"
• "Why didn't someone believe in me?"
• "Why did everybody assume the worst?"
• "Why was I misunderstood and reprimanded when I was trying my heart out?"
• "Why did all those mental health professionals pretend to know more than they did?"

These really resonate with me.  I've been thinking over the past several months that it seems that central to my psyche is that no one believe me.  When I say I'm tired, they say I'm not tired, that it's depression.  

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy: Chapters 1-3: Understanding ADHD

The latest ADHD book I am reading is You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy? by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo.  It was first published in 1993, but I am reading the 2006 edition.

The previous book I read was male-oriented.  Since this was written by two female authors, I was hoping it would be more female-oriented.  However, they use male pronouns when referring a a person with ADHD.  Also, the cartoon illustrations, while depicting nonhuman creatures who aren't particularly gendered, are referred to as male.

One thing that resonates with me in the book is when it talks about people being blamed for their ADHD.  I read the same kinds of things about any kind of invisible illness, whether it's depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic pain, migraines, etc., and whatever it's applied to, it resonates with me.

The book says that people often tell people with ADHD to shape up, try harder, etc., but this is like telling someone "in a wheelchair that he could get up and walk if he tried harder" (p. 13).

It says that it might seem that we are un-motivated, but we actually have to work a lot  harder than non-ADHD people to get things done.

Sometimes we find it hard to focus on things.  Other times, we get so focused on one thing that we have trouble noticing anything else.  When we get into hpyerfocus, others may think "It's obvious he can pay attention when he wants to" or "He's so rude! He completely ignores me" (p. 38).

We often have trouble with details.  We like the big pictures.  We can't remember the details.  That is true for me.  I may read something which makes a strong case for a point of view.  I may adopt that point of view, based on the evidence.  However, later, I can remember the point of view, but I can't remember the evidence, so to others, it sounds like I don't have a good reason for my beliefs.

Many of the attributes they describe don't resonate with me.

• People with ADHD being moody.  They are easily irritated and may have outbursts of anger.  Afterwards, they feel ashamed.  That doesn't really happen to me, but it makes me think of domestic violence.
• People with ADHD are thrill seekers, because the crave stimulation.  They are the kind of people who drive fast, go bungee jumping, etc.  It makes me wonder about my sister.
• People with ADHD always crave more.  They feel, "I want, I need."  They may go to excess with drinking, drugs, shopping, sex.  I knew someone like that once.  He always wanted something more, and it left me feeling inadequate, so I chose to distance myself.  
• People with ADHD may have obsessive compulsive disorder.  They may focus on a particular thought, and it loops in their head.

 I had read in other books about how ADHD is not a lack of attention, but a lack of ability to regulate attention.  This book says the same about hyperactivity.  People with ADHD may sometimes be hyperactive, but other time hypoactive.  They have a hard time getting going.  They may be sluggish in the morning, lively at noon, sluggish in early afternoon, and lively in late afternoon and evening.  As a result, they may be night owls.

Now I'm thinking of another person I know, someone who is sluggish in morning and lively at night, and who sometimes gets thoughts looping in his head.

People with ADHD have trouble with time.  Things always take longer than we expect.  The book says, "The daily list of an ADDer usually includes far more than any human could accomplish in three or four days.  A professor friend planned to write three articles, a book, and two grants over the summer months.  His unrealistic goals were quite typical for an ADDer!"'

That's me -- things take longer than I think, and my to do lists are too long.  I'm also reminded of my friend who described himself as "optimistic" because he always was ready later than he expected.

People with ADHD also have trouble with space.  They may have trouble telling left from right, and they may tend to bump into things.

We have trouble with sorting and filing, and one reason is because we think of all the possible exceptions, so we can't put things into neat categories.

We may have rapid internal processing, but difficulty taking in input and putting out output.  Selective attention is the ability choose what input to focus on.  Selective intention is the ability to choose which of many possible actions to take.  People with attention difficulty usually also have intention difficulty.

That's true of me, and also of my "optimistic" friend.

The authors did terribly at tennis lessons.  When they both started on Ritalin, both improved at tennis remarkably.  The reason was because of better cognitive processing.  Tennis requires that you see the motion of the ball, figure out its path, and get to the right place at the right time to hit it.

The book talks about how people with ADHD may lash out at others inappropriately.  I wonder how many domestic violence cases are a result of ADHD.

Paralysis of will: the output function ceases.  Someone asks you a question and you have no response.  You watch the ball fly by rather than trying to hit or catch it.

Your brain is fast when it's just internal, but not when you have to react.  One of the authors is good at public speaking, but not at conversation.  She can plan the public talk in advance, but she can't come up with something to say on the spot in conversation.  That's true of me too.

People think that I'm shy, that I don't like to talk, when they see me for casual conversation.  They are surprised that I enjoy public speaking.

We function better when we're in control than when we have to react to t hings.  Someone with ADHD "may stand aroudn the kitchen of a friend preparing a dinner party, unable to figure out how to assist.  But he may successfully orchestrate a social activity of his own design."  That's true of me.  I have no idea how to help people with enterntaining.

Sometimes we just freeze.  This may be the result of a loud noise or unexpected events.  "An ADDer's overloaded system can make him so tired he can barely move, talk, or think.  It is as if he is in a temporary coma.  He experiences attempts at communication as assaults on his very being.  He either ignores the assault or snaps an irritable reply -- taking any action is an impossibility."  When this happens, you need to rest and recharge.

In the section on memory, the authors say that we are better at conceptualizing than rote learning.  We can remember concepts better than we can retrieve particular facts.  Although we can't remember specific facts, we can put together pieces of information in new ways. This is certainly true of me.  It's good to have an explanation of why my mind works this way.

We can't live up to being normal people, so we develop coping strategies.  Some people try to do it all, pushing ourselves, trying to function like a normal person.  Sometimes we blame others for all the things that go wrong. Sometimes we scoff at the things we were unable to achieve, looking down on them to mask that we feel bad for not being able to achieve them.  Sometimes we give up and numbly live as underachievers.  If we have had many experiences of being chastised for what we failed to do, we may go on the offensive, chastising others for being demanding.

Because our brains don't function well when we have to react, some people may insist on always being in control, setting the agenda.

The book describes Peter Pan syndrome:  "Energetic optimism, a wacky sense of humor, and a warm acceptance of others make the people around him feel good....The ease with which he connects with people promises an intimacy that never materializes....would-be lovers and close friends find him an elusive man, impossible to pin down....When they begin to make demands for a more committed relationship, they find that Chris has moved on.  The women hurt by his 'love 'em and leave 'em' lifestyle feel used and abused.  Chris believes, however, that he's just operating under a different set of rules.  He lives according to the pleasure principle."

Book report: Your Life Can Be Better: Using Strategies for Adult ADD/ADHD

I have been reading Your Life Can Be Better: Using Strategies for Adult ADD/ADHD by Douglas Puryear.  Like the other ADHD books I've read, it's very readable.  It's written for people with ADHD, so it's easy to pay attention.  Mostly, the book consists of Puryear describing the strategies he uses to live with ADHD.  It also tells about how some of his friends and clients deal with ADHD.  I like the way it has a light, humorous tone.  He describes a coping strategy, but then adds that he's still working on, he doesn't get it right all the time, "after all, I have ADD."  He says that so often that it becomes humorous.

Previously I read a book about ADHD in women, but this book is more about men.  Not only is he male, so are many of the other people he writes about.  He has little to say about coping with cooking and other household chores.  He has a wife who takes care of that stuff. 

How he copes with ADHD:

1. Identify a problem
2. Choose a strategy
3. Make a rule
4. Follow the rule so much it becomes a habit.

Example: Always leave your keys on the table.

His red flags are "it will be okay," and "I have plenty of time."  When he tells himself, "It will be okay to put the keys somewhere else just this one time," then he applies the rule "put your keys on the table."

Make it a habit to check every time.  Put your fishing gear in the car the night before.  In the morning, check to see if it's all there.  You know you put it there last night, but check anyway.  You are making it a habit.  Do it every time.  No exceptions.

You can only work on establishing one or two rules/habits at a time.

He says that things that activate focus for people with ADHD are

1. Personal interest
2. Novelty
3. Challenge
4. Immediate deadline with heavy consequences

For me, I think there is something else, but I'm not sure how  to name it.  Stories suck me in.  Facebook sucks me in.  I gravitate toward these things that suck me in.  I gravitate to being engaged.  I gravitate toward things that make me forget that I'm tired, that I'm bored, that I'm aimless, that my life is screwed up.

He carries an appointment book with him and looks at it at least six times a day.  It includes a weekly schedule and a monthly schedule.  Looking at it helps keep him oriented in time.  He has made it a habit to write everything in it carefully and legibly.

He also keeps his index cards with him all the time and looks at them often.  One red index card lists the five most important things to do.  No more than five, because if there are more than five, he would feel overwhelmed and not do anything.  Yellow for things to do that aren't urgent.  Orange for things that are kind of urgent but not the top five.  He numbers things on the red card in the order he plans to do them.  When he finishes something on the red card, he can move something from the orange to the red.

Blue is for memory.  It includes phone numbers, names, sayings, etc.  Purple cards are for ideas for the book.  White cards are for everything else, such as things he is studying, like Spanish conjugations and guitar chords.  

In addition to the five things on his red card, he has his list of three.  This he keeps mentally.  It includes what he is doing now, what he will do next, and what he will do after that.  That keeps him on track, keeps him from getting sidetracked.

A similar technique, which he does not use, but which works for some with ADHD, it to begin the day by visualizing what you are going to do that day.  

He breaks things into steps.  He doesn't write "do taxes" on his red card.  The first task is "organize taxes" which means make a list of all the steps to doing his taxes.  Then each step will be an item that eventually makes it to his red card.  But he won't have all five tasks on his red card be about taxes.  He mixes it up, the five tasks go to different things. 

In his office, he is surrounded by lists.  He makes lists on envelopes from the mail he gets.  There are four stacks.  One is the blank envelopes.  One is his working lists.  One is his other lists, things like ideas for the book he is writing, Spanish conjugations, guitar chords.  The fourth is things he refers to sometimes.  He rewrites his lists many times a day.

In addition to lists and index cards, he has two white boards in his office for jotting down things he wants to remember.

Make lots of lists.  Put everything on a list.  If it's not on a list, you hold it in your head and you feel overwhelmed.  Keep your lists organized.  Look at them often.

Don't let things pile up.  If they pile up, they become overwhelming.  If they do get piled up, break the tasks into manageable steps.

Set realistic goals.  Don't aspire too high.  Make it something that you will actually accomplish, or you will become demoralized and overwhelmed.

Don't take on too much.  Learn to say no.  Say no to your own aspirations, and to what others ask of you.

You could ruminate on decisions for a long time.  Reduce the amount of decision making needed by setting rules.  For example, he has a rule that if his grandson asks him to play with him, he will always say yes.  He wishes he had realized that in time to do the same for his kids.

Every now and then, stop in the middle of what you are doing and ask yourself, "Is this a good use of my time?"

Notice the little things in your daily life that you get tangled up over.  Once you identify a problem, you can come up with a solution.

Identify your long-term goals.  Look at whether your short-term goals and your current activities support your long-term goals.

He wrote:

I will be in the middle of a productive project, like writing this book, and then it pops into my mind that I'd like to know about the six wives of King Henry the VIII.  I'm already at the computer, so I just look that up on the internet.  That's easy; there they are.  That leads to the interesting puzzle of figuring out who the various Marys were, and that leads to looking up the dates of Queen Elizabeth's reign....Then the idea for a good short story about Elizabeth comes into my mind, and I begin to write it before it escaples me, but I have to do some more research to get the facts right.

 That's how I work too.  In fact, in typing the above, I of course had to go look up Henry VIII's wives.

The way he deals with this is to periodically ask, "Why am I doing this?"  "Is this how I want to be spending my time right now?"  "Is there something I'm avoiding?"

When you get distracted, just label it.  Say, "That's a distraction.  I don't have to follow it."

We  need to take breaks from work, but we can get sucked into the breaks.  It did not really work for him to set time limits or alarms.  That does not work for me either.  Instead, mindfulness is more helpful to him.

When he finds himself thinking, "I'll do that later," that's a signal to consider whether to do it now.  If it's something quick, it may be quicker to do it than to put it on the to do list.

Another red flag is, "I have plenty of time."  That's a signal to remember that if he stays focus he has enough time to do what he needs to do, but if he does something else, he won't have enough time.

It's helpful to choose one thing to focus on.  He is learning to play guitar, and he has online lessons, lessons on a DVD, and books.  What he needs to do is make a list of all these approaches to learning to play guitar, and then pick just one of them to focus on.

That's how I am with reading nonfiction.  I have more than a dozen partially read nonfiction books.  If I could stick with one, I could finish it.  And the same with projects.  I think I want to volunteer at the food pantry.  Then I want to get a job in institutional research.  Then I want to learn to play harp.  Then I want to get a job as a registrar.  Then I want to move to another town.  Then I want to stay here and get more involved in the community. 

Don't think of all the things on your list.  Pick one thing to do first?  What do you have to do? A lot.  No.  Right now you just have to do one thing.

One of his slogans is "Do it now, do it right, do the hard part first."

Regarding do it right, his instinct is to cut corners, and I have that too.  People with ADHD, including me, often have a tendency to walk away from a tasks when it's almost done, rather than when it's done.  Regarding doing it right, he says there's a saying, "If you don't have time to do it right the first time, when will you have time to do it over?"

Another slogan he uses is "Fearless."  When he is trying to decide what to do, he says that to remind himself not to let fear hold him back.

Don't say "I have to" or "I should."  Say "I need to" or "It would be good if I."  When looking at the past, instead of saying, "I should have," say, "Next time I will."

Make games and challenges for yourself.  Reframe your tasks.  If you are raking leaves, pretend you are in a leaf raking competition.  Or rake leaves with headphones on and see it as an opportunity to listen to music.  If you get home from work wanting to relax and find your wife wants you to deal with the problems of the four kids, pretend that you need extra money so you took a second job at a residential treatment facility.

Feeling overwhelmed is a state of mind, not a  reflection of reality.  When you feel overwhelmed, it's time to get organized.  Make lists.  Break things into steps.  Decide what is the one thing you need to focus on now.  Focus on that and forget the rest.

When we feel stressed, we tend to skip the things that ease stress.  We skip sleep, prayer, etc.  Don't do that.

In the chapter on studying and learning, he says, "just because you bought a book doesn't mean you know the material in it," and "I tend to scatter myself out and go in many different directions at once.  And thus I often don't get anywhere at all."  So, when he want to learn something, he focuses on one thing, and keeps on it, he strives to "overlearn it.'

Sometimes you get stuck.  The task before you is too big so you don't start it.  But that's the thing you should be working on, so you don't start any other task either.  When this happens, choose the smallest, easiest thing to do, and break it into small steps until you find something small enough to do.  Can't clean the kitchen? Maybe you can wash the dishes.  Can't wash dishes?  Maybe you can was one fork.  Can't wash one fork? Maybe you can get out the dishwashing soap.  Once you do one thing, give yourself positive self-talk for doing.  Continue the cycle -- do another small thing, and give yourself positive self-talk.

Sometimes your brain freezes due to anxiety.  Get out of it by taking a break.

Take breaks to address short attention span.  You'll get more work done in a two hour block if you take a 10  minute break in the middle than if you try to work straight through.

Sometimes we get irritable.  If this happens, step back.  Observe that you are irritable.  Take a breath, say a prayer, wonder how it looks from the other person's side.

He mentions parenthetically when talking about his friend Tom, "when we find something that helps us, we quit doing it."  I do find I don't stick with things.  Though it's not necessarily things that help me.  If I'm on a medication or  taking a supplement, I like to stop and start just to check it is having in impact.  But when I've done that and seen that it has an impact, I do stick with it.  I once mentioned to someone that when I'm feeling healthy, I experiment with quitting some of my supplements.  She seemed to think that was foolish.  But I have actually found that some of my supplements were not actually helping me.  And they can cost a lot of money.

Use memory aids, such as mnemonics and anchors.   An anchor is when you connect something you want to remember with something that is a part of your routine.  He has exercises that can be done while driving.  Whenever he gets on a certain street, that's his cue to do the exercises.  When he stirs his coffee, he thinks of  Jesus.  When he goes to the bathroom, he says the prayer of St. Francis.

He carries a card with him with principles he wants to remember, and reviews the card regularly, like when he's waiting in line.  Principles are things like, "What are you avoiding?" "Is this the best use of my time?" and "Focus on one thing/overlearn."

Sometimes we establish good habits, like looking at the card with the principles, and then we stop doing it.  We forget.

We don't do things.  We forget.  We procrastinate.  We avoid.  But then when we do things, we over do them.

He writes, "When we do something, we don't do it half way -- well, that isn't true.  We often do it half way, because we know it isn't going to turn out anyway and because we have trouble finishing.  So we do a lot of things half way.  What I  meant to say is that we don't get into things half way.  When we get into them, and our focus center is turned on, we really get into them." 

That resonates with me.  He goes on to talk about buying lots of stuff for a new hobby, and then dropping the hobby.  That's true for me.  Not always all the buying, but getting interested in something, and imagining how I'm going to practice every day and get really good at it, and then not practicing.

In most of the book, he describes strategies for living with ADHD.  Near the end he says, "most of these strategies involve some willpower," and "willpower is something we have in short supply."

Some study tips he suggests are

• Start by reading "kindergarten" book on the topic, like for Dummies, to get an overview of the topics.  When reading a chapter, skim it first and read the summary if there is one.  Before going to a lecture, skim some material on the topic of the lecture.
• Try to outguess the teacher and figure out what questions will be on the test.
• Imagine that it's a big deal, like the final test before you become an astronaut.
• Overlearn the material.
• After each page, close the book and write a few notes about what the page said.  Also do the same for bigger chunks, like a few pages or a chapter. If you can't do it, go back and review and try again.  When your mind is free, like when you are waiting in line, review in your head.
• Learn the material from today, and re-learn the material from three days ago and the material from ten days ago.  If you don't review the old material, you will forget it.

I haven't followed a particular study method, but I do something similar.  I write things down, and I see whether I can call them up in my head.  I've made flash cards.

His advice for meditation: "The main thing with meditation is not to become too frustrated with it. You're probably  not going to be very good at it.  Just do what you can and you'll find it helpful."

In many areas, I do what I can and don't mind that I'm not good at it, such as tai chi and dance.  However, I mind when other people become impatient with me.  But I think I do get frustrated easily in the area of repair, like house stuff and car stuff.  That's different though.  I can dance and look like a klutz but I'm still dancing.  But if I try to change the windshield wipers but I can't get them off, then I haven't changed the windshield wipers.

So, the key points from the book that I want to follow are:

1. Decide what you're going to do and stick to it every time.  Establish a habit.
2. Mindfulness.  What am I doing? What do I want to be doing? What am I avoiding? That's a distraction. I don't have to follow it.
3. Keeping a collection of lists -- the master list of everything, the short list of what to focus on now, and everything in between. 
4. Keep a list of principles, and check it regularly.
5. Sleep, exercise, and meditate.
6. Break things into small steps. 
7. Look for red flags, like "I'll do that later," and "I can make an exception this time."

And the above list will be my list of principles.  And another principle may be to periodically check my notes from reading ADHD books.  He says just because you've bought a book doesn't mean you know the material.  And for me, just because I've written notes about a book doesn't mean that notes are going to stay in my head.  

Queen of Distraction

Now I am reading The Queen of Distraction: How Women with ADHD Can Conquer Chaos, Find Focus, and Get More Done by Terry Matlen.  As with the other things I've read about ADHD, some things fits me and some don't.

• It talks about have piles of paper all over your house, and not being able to find things in the piles.  I do have that problem.  However, other things mentioned in the chapter on clutter don't apply to me.  When I'm going out, such as to work, I don't have trouble with remembering and bringing with me the things I need, such as keys.  Also, the books says many women with ADHD have a disorganized kitchen, but that is not a problem for me.
• It says that people with ADHD are drawn to books about how to de-clutter and get organized, but the books don't really work for us.  I think I'm not really drawn to the books, because I know they don't work.
• One thing it suggests for de-cluttering is listen to your body.  Which aspect of the clutter makes you tense? Address that aspect of the clutter first.
• It says "For many (but not all) women with ADHD, it's more enjoyable to do just about anything but cook."  That sounds like me.
• It describes the following scenario for preparing dinner: "you remember there was a story you wanted to catch on the 6:00pm news, you promise yourself you'll only leave the kitchen for five minutes.  But, oh my god, the story is fascinating! While in the family room, you notice the pile of newspapers and toss them into the recycle bin in the garage.  While in the garage, you decide to take the garbage to the curb.  While outside, you notice some flowers wilting and decide to pick, oh, just a few dying petals off.  Twenty-five minutes later when you're back in the kitchen, the rice is scorched, ruining your pot and you dinner." I don't watch TV, and I don't leave things cooking to long, but this way of wandering from task to task describes me.
• In the section on de-cluttering the kitchen, the book says go through the kitchen and put everything away.  If you find something that belongs in another room, don't leave the kitchen.  Have a box or bag for each room, and sort the things based on where they belong.  Then when you have finished in the kitchen, take each box or bag and put those things away. I have done something similar, putting things into piles depending on what is to be done with them but then when I finish sorting, I don't feel like putting the things away.  
• It says "Brain scans show that when people with ADHD are forced to do boring tasks, the prefrontal cortex slows down, causing sluggishness.  In order to be productive, focused, and alert, the ADHD brain needs a higher level of stimulation than the non-ADHD brain."  
• It suggests keeping a log of how you spend your time.  You may put off doing things because you feel it will take too  long.  When you realize it does not take as long as you thought, it may be easier to do it.  At the same time, you may end up being late for things because you don't allow enough time for getting ready.  I tend to have a departure time in my mind, and when that time arrives, I stop what I'm doing and depart.  Except that I still need to put on my shoes, brush my hair, and go to the bathroom, so I don't depart at the time I planned.  
• The book says plan your day every day.  You can make the plan either in the morning, or the night before.  Make a to do list and prioritize the items on the to do list.  Then the book adds two important steps, the steps I always skip: 1) Reduce the number of items on the list to something that you can actually accomplish in the allotted time, and 2) Do the things on your list.
• Set timers for start and stop times for activities.  Also, when you take breaks, set a time for when to end the break and get back to work.  Avoid doing "one last thing," like checking email.  
• Give yourself mantras to help through difficult areas.  For example, when facing tasks you are avoiding, "Don't do it because you have to, do it because you can."
• Make peace with routine.  Routine may seem unappealing to you, but it will give you peace of mind to have your chores done and to be on track.  
• If there is something you are putting off doing, think about it.  What aspect of the task is putting you off? 
• Sometimes people with ADHD have trouble listening on the telephone.  They need to be able to look at the person talking in order to pay attention.  I do have trouble paying attention to people talking, but I think the worst is in person in a group setting.
• People with ADHD may have trouble with shopping, because there are so many sights and sounds.  I'm thinking about how it can be tiring for me to be out in the world, even just looking at scenery, and restful to be home in dark and quiet.  When I was on vacation, I couldn't sit by the ocean all day.  I needed to stay inside and do stuff on the computer, because staying in was more restful, even compared to just sitting by the ocean.
• When others are talking, you wish they would hurry up and come to the point.  This is true for me.  People just keep going on and on blah blah blah in circles repeating themselves, and I interrupt them and get to the point.
• We may argue because we crave the stimulation of arguments.   
• When talking, it may seem that you jump from topic to topic, which may make it hard for your partner to follow your train of thought.  Make explicit the way your thoughts are connected.
• Stay focused on what your partner is saying by repeating his words in your head, or paraphrasing out loud.
• Looking at your partner and having physical contact with him may also help with staying focused on what he is saying.
• When he is telling you something, it may feel like it is the same thing he has said a thousand times before, but remember, this is the most important person in your life.  Stop, drop, and listen.  
• Your partner needs to offer support, not enabling.  Enabling is treating you like a helpless child.  Your partner needs to see you as a competent adult who has strengths and weaknesses.
•  People with ADHD are sensitive to sensory stimulation.  They may find it hard to concentrate on something else when there are background noises.  They hear the hum of the fan, and of the refrigerator -- the sounds others don't even notice.  They jump when they hear a sudden noise.
• Many are sensitive to touch.  They don't like sticky doorknobs, wrinkled sheets, or restrictive clothing.  But some feel the are calmed by being enclosed -- wearing close-fitting clothing, sleeping under heavy blankets.  
• In addition to sensory sensitivity, women with ADHD may have emotional sensitivity.  They may be sensitive to criticism.
• Women with ADHD may seem to have a strong sense of empathy, reacting strongly to the emotional states of others, or they may seem to lack empathy, because they have trouble focusing their attention on what is going on with others.  This is true for me.  I can get very sucked in to a story in a book or movie, but in real life, it may be difficult to wrap my mind around other people.
• ADHD symptoms may be affected by puberty, PMS, and perimenopause.  During perimenopause it may be helpful to take a stimulant, an SSRI, and HRT.
• "Many women with ADHD are underemployed and underpaid because they are afraid of taking the leap into a job they fear might be too difficult for them, resulting in many unhappy years stuck in dead-end, boring, or stressful jobs."
• "Inattentive women still have hyperactive brains and need to be challenged and stimulated, so it's important that you don't fall into the sort of job in which you feel stagnant."
• Schedule the things you hate doing in order to make sure they get done.  
• Overcommitment is a common problem, agreeing to take on more than you can really handle. 
• Sleep, nutrition, and exercise help a lot with ADHD.  Try to get out for midday walks.  Eat protein in the morning.  Eat complex carbohydrates rather than simple carbohyrdates.  Cut back on sugar and caffeine.
• Hiring a personal organizer, buying prepared foods, hiring a tutor to help your kids with homework -- these are not luxuries.  They are accommodations for your disability.

Spirituality Without Structure

Some notes from Spirituality Without Structure by Nimue Brown:

• She says "I've even had Druid practitioners tell me that I must repeat meditations that don't work for me, and repeat them daily because they are necessary.  To question that, was, I was told, to disrespect both the teacher and the tradition."  When I think of it from the outside, when I think of a religious leader telling people what they must do  in order to show their respect to the leader, it seems like a situation which should inspire fleeing.  But when I'm in the moment, when I've chosen to embrace a tradition, a person, I try to comply with what that tradition or person tells me I should do.  I try to give them a chance.  And then I get mad at them.
• She describes a spiritual experience as "an uplifting, inspiring, and positive occurrence"  which may inspire "love, hope, compassion, and the like."  That makes me think of a Pete Seeger concert.

Book report: Taking Charge of Adult ADHD

Back in June, the doctor suggested maybe I have ADHD.  I'm not sure if I do or not, but I do have difficulty focusing sometimes.  I figured I'd read about ADHD, and even if I don't have it, I could get some ideas for strategies to help  me focus.  I read through the reviews on amazon, chose three books that I thought looked most promising, and ordered them on inter-library loan.

The first of the three is Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell Barkley with Christine M. Benton.  Dr. Barkley has a thorough background on ADHD-related research, and shares the findings in a readable way.  He has found that people with ADHD need to be on medication.  The coping strategies he suggests are meant to be used after you get onto medication.  He offers 8 basic guidelines:

1.  Stop the action: Before you blurt something out and do something impulsive, stop.  You have the urge to do something, so find a halting action you can do.  For example, inhale, exhale, and say, "Hmm, let me see now." 
2. See the past and then the future: Imagine a TV screen, computer screen or whatever works for you.  Imagine that you are watching a video that shows you what happened in the past in a similar situation.  Also, for specific situations in which your mind's eye is blind, post images.  For example, a woman would impulsively buy designer shoes and then not be able to afford books her son needed for school.  She posted a shoe ad with a zero balance bank statement.  On the other side, she posted a photo of her son and an image of a diploma. 
3. Say the past and then the future: Picture yourself holding a microphone and interviewing yourself on TV.  Be a journalist who asks tough questions.  Ask what's going on here, what did I do last time, how did that turn out, what are the options, what will happen if I do X.  Talk to yourself out loud as you try to choose your course of action.  Not necessarily in public, but at home, while driving, while walking in the woods at the beginning of the day planning the rest of the day. 
4. Externalize key information: Post notes and images in key places.  Examples: a note with your wallet reminding you not to spend too much, a sign on the computer reminding you not to surf the internet.  Carry a journal at all times to write down the things you have to do, and check it hourly.  Use to do lists, and figure out how to make them realistic.  Identify how long each task will take, so that you can set realistic goals. 
5. Feel the future: Think about the negative consequences of doing the wrong thing, but also the positive consequences of doing the right thing.  Think of how satisfied you will be when the task is finished. 
6. Break it down and make it matter: Break tasks into chunks.  Steps that will take an hour or half an hour.  After completing a chunk, take a break for just a few minutes, and give yourself a small reward, such as looking at the view or playing a musical instrument.  Find someone you can be accountable to, and tell them when you've completed each step. 
   
   In a book on writing, Anne Lamott said that when her brother had to write a paper on birds and was having trouble getting started, their father advised to just write about one bird at a time -- take it bird by bird. 
7. Make problems external, physical, and manual: Use tools so you don't have to hold it all in your head.  Like children using counting items like beads as the learn arithmetic.  Designers make models. 
8. Have a sense of humor: Take ownership of your ADHD and laugh at yourself.  Say to people, "Well, there goes my ADHD again.  Sorry about that.  My mistake.  Now I have to try to do something about that next time."

 Then the book goes on to discuss strategies for certain arenas, such as education, work, health, driving, etc.  Of those, the only tips I found useful were in the education section.  Tips there included:

• Find a coach or mentor, and meet with them twice a day for 5 minutes.  At the beginning of the day, tell them what you need to accomplish that day.  At the end of the day, tell them what you did accomplish.
• Use a device that cues you to stay on track.  There is a device called MotivAider that vibrates.  You can set it to vibrate at certain intervals or randomly.  
• Taking notes helps you pay attention to what is being said.
• Use SQ4R method for reading: Scan the material to be read to get an idea of how long it is and how it is organized.  Write some Questions that the reading should answer.  Read one paragraph, the Recite out loud what it said, then wRite what it said, then Review what you wrote.  After you get practice, you can do this every two paragraphs instead of every paragraph.  
• For tests, time off the clock seems to work more than extra time.  Take a break, walk around a few minutes.  The time of the break doesn't count toward the time doing the test.  The amount of time you spend actually doing the test is the same as for the other students, but you do take longer because of the breaks.  
• Exercise helps with focus.  Do aerobic exercise before a test or before a boring class.  Develop a routine to do aerobic exercise at least 3 times a week. 

The Beginning Place by Ursula LeGuin

Different from the books I usually read.   The books I read usually have more plot.  Usually, I have to keep reading to find out what happens next.   It reminded me a bit of Tree By Leaf by Cynthia Voigt. Both are slow-paced, both have a sense of the sacred, and both convey a message.

In the Beginning Place, there's a man and a woman who start off with an antagonistic relationship and end up falling in love.  To me, that is a really trite plot device.  And I hate it most when you don't really see the relationship develop, when it's just like boom, now they are in love, instead of being a relationship that is built over a long time, with the building block of many small interactions.  And this book was one of those without sufficient development.  Yeah, they were starting to work together, a partnership formed by the necessity of circumstances.  And yeah, they went through a traumatic experience together, which bonds people.  But then all of a sudden they are having sex, and then all of a sudden they declare they are married.


So, my main complaint about the book is the abruptness of the relationship.

A good thing about the book is the view of the world: Reality is harsh.  Reality is working a job you don't like.  Reality is trying to protect your parents, but they are crazy and make crazy choices that hurt you, and there is nothing you can do about.  Fantasy provides refuge.  But reality keeps on being real.

Another good thing: Page 175, the female character's experience of being hugged by the male character: "He was a wall, a fortrees, a bulwark, and mortal, frail, easier to hurt than heal; dragonkiller, child of the dragon; king's son, poor man, poor, brief, unknowing soul."

We are just poor humans, fallible, breakable, but the comfort we give to each other is warm and strong. 

Books

Yesterday I took my first vacation day of 2015.  I had been wearing thin for a long time, wanting to take time off, but there was too much to do at work.  Finally I managed to get away.  I had in mind chores to do, but I did not do any.  I did read two novels, Poison by Bridget Zinn and Fever Crumb by Philip Reeve.  Both were engaging.  I did not want to put them down, and I wanted to go on to read sequels.  Fever Crumb was not quite my kind of book.  It was dystopian and steampunk, which is what people like nowadays, but that's a younger generation that likes them.  They aren't my thing.  Poison was more like my kind of book.  I do think it's a little too pat, the way everything works out the way it should.

Last weekend, I was reading Exile's Honor, Exile's Valour, and Take A Thief by Mercedes Lackey.  I'd say they are less pat.  They do end with the solving of the main conflict of each book, but it's not like everything gets wrapped up.  Alberich is suspicious of Lord Orthallen over all three books, but does not find grounds for his suspicion over the three books.  Alberich develops a romantic interest, but it's not like a stereotypical book, where they proclaim their love and live happily ever after.  Instead, their slow getting to know each other and growing closer is just part of the fabric of life, one of many things going on.

Anyway, even though Poison was a little too pat, I wanted to read more by the same author.  Unfortunately, this was her only book.  She died before it was published. 

What Do Druids Believe by Philip Carr-Gomm

What Do Druids Believe by Philip Carr-Gomm is a short and easy to read introduction.  It's not a guidebook that will help you get started on your druid path.  Rather, it's something you read to decide whether you want to start to walk that path. If you do make that choice, you'll want more books to help you find your way.

The first four chapters had to do with what druidry is, and what its history is.  For me, that was pretty straightforward.  I liked the point at the end of the 4th chapter commenting on famous druids in the past few centuries.  Basically, it's a bunch of eccentrics.  Carr-Gomm says you might think that a spiritual movement needs its famous people to be pious, wise, saintly and so on, but when you look at the famous people from other paths who supposedly have those attributes, you find that they were eccentrics too.

One thing that I thought was interesting in the history was the connections with the Universalist and Unitarian churches.  

Chapter 5 tells what druids believe.  For me, that did not go down as smoothly as the preceding chapters, because there are things in there that I don't believe.

What it lists that I do believe

• learning from experience rather sticking to doctrine
• that life is spiritual
• acceptance of diverse theologies and beliefs within druidry
• reverence for nature
• trying to grow in wisdom, creativity, and love
• history and ancestors
• trees
• community
• reverence for life
• peace
• interconnectedness of the universe

What it lists that I don't believe

• existence of the Otherworld
• reincarnation
• Law of the Harvest

The book makes some very definitive statements about the things that I don't believe in.  "A cornerstone of Druid belief is in the existence of the Otherworld....Different druids will have different views on the nature of this Otherworld, but it is a universally held belief,"  and "although all druids would agree that physical death does not end our existence, there is no set of universally recognized Druid teachings that offer details."  If this were my first exposure to druidry, these statements might make me decide that druidry was not the path for me.

If I twist it to my own understanding, I can say I believe these things.  I can say that for the Otherworld, I believe that we can reach a transcendent state of mind, and for life after death, I can say that we live on in the legacy we leave behind -- our writings, the things we create, the things people remember about us.  But to me, that is stretching it too  much.  It is like when I attend a Christian service, I can re-interpret the words to a pantheist meaning, but the fact that I can find a way to accept the words doesn't  make me a Christian. 

The Law of the Harvest is that you reap what you sow.  I believe that it is often the case that if you are kind to others, you will have friends, and if you are cruel to others, you will find yourself alone.  However, it's  not always the case.  Sometimes your kindnesses are never repaid.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people. You get sick or injured.  People betray you.  That doesn't mean that you brought it on by doing a bad thing.

I like what he says about reverence: "Druids treat the body, relationships, and sexuality with respect and as sacred.  Reverence should not be confused with piousness or lack of vigorous engagement -- true reverence is strong and sensual as well as gentle and kind."

The next chapter talks about mysticism, shamanism, and magic.  It says that mysticism is connecting with deity and shamanism is exploring the Otherworld.  It talks about how the diversity of druidry means there is room for people interested in one but not the other.  But to me, both are predicated on the idea that there is something else out there.  To me, there isn't an Otherworld, there is only your own head, where you can enter a different state of mind.

I liked the discussion of magic.  He says that magic includes "adopting an attitude of awe and reverence towards life and the world," and "becoming aware of the creative power that we possess simply by being alive, and then consciously using that creative power in the service of our values and ideals.

Chapter 7 is on ethics and values.  There's a list of 11 principles of conduct from Athelia Nihtscada.  They seem like something I could live by.  I could post them in my home, and meditate on them.

Chapters 8-12 went down pretty easily for me, same as chapters 1-4 did.

Chapter 9 mentioned that birch is often the first tree that grows when a forest is starting, so in ogham divination, it is associated with birth and beginnings.  That sparked in me an interest in learning this divination system. It is an interest that has been sparked other times in the past.  I don't believe that cards foretell the future or anything like that, but that it's a way of tapping into  different part of the self.  He says this at the beginning of chapter 9, talking about ritual: "A psychologist would say that this appeals to the non-dominant hemisphere of the brain that processes art and music as opposed to logic, language, and mathematics.  A mystic would say that ritual opens us to an experience of the spiritual dimension of life."

In chapter 8, Carr-Gomm describes some of the diverse types of druid practice.  One thing he mentions is a daily ritual "to connect with the energies of Earth, Trees, Sea, and Sky."  I want to think about that combination.  I've heard about earth, sea, and sky, and I've heard about earth, air, fire, and water.  In my own Sphere of Protection ritual, I've chosen sun, earth, air, trees. 

Chapter 8 also says, "The  most valuable and life-changing practice of all, though, evolves gradually and simply as a different way of being in the world.  Through working with Druid teachings and cremonies, changes occur in our attitudes, feelings, and behaviour which enable us to live more and more frequently in alightnment with our sense of purpose and meaning, and with an awareness of the inherent spirituality of all life."

I don't think this is unique to druidry.  It is what we get from any spiritual path. 

Overall, I liked reading the book.  There were a few things that were maybe a little different from what I've read before, but most of the material was familiar.  Still, I like reading this kind of stuff.  I find some spiritual inspiration in it.  I like the way it provides examples of the range of druidry, including Christian druids, pagan druids, people who see druidry as a religion, people who see druidry as cultural. 

For me, some ideas from the book that I might want to further meditate on or study:

• Athelia Nihtscada's principles of ethical behavior
• The idea of Earth, Trees, Sea, and Sky
• Divination, with The Celtic Tree Oracle by Liz and Colin Murray

And I just want to keep reading books like this.  This book, and others I've read such as The Path Through the Forest, Druidry and the Ancestors, and Druidry and Meditation, are books were you can read a bit and then meditate on what you have read, and you can keep coming back to them.

Druidry is not a path were you read a book and then you are done.  

Druid study program

I completed the AODA first degree curriculum 2010-2012.  Then I decided to take a break.  Although I did  read some of the books for the second degree curriculum, I stopped the daily meditation, weekly time in nature, and seasonal rituals.  I knew I was having trouble keeping up with them. I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue.  I thought I would take a break and see what insights I grew into.  The insights I've grown into at this time are:

• 2012 was when I got involved in the time bank and Morris dancing.  I think I thought my time was infinite.  I don't think I realized how much those activities cut into time for druid practices.
• The books for the AODA second degree curriculum are not the direction that I want to take with my studies.
• Areas accepted by AODA are natural sciences, the arts, and  magic.  They do not consider social sciences to be part of druid study.  The original druids were teachers, judges, historians, and peacemakers, but AODA excludes this from their definition of druidry. For me, human studies are essential to druidry. 
• I can't commit myself to AODA because my conscience objects to their censorship practices.  I agree with their premise that internet forums should be moderated for civility, but the way they put it into practice is too much.  I was uncomfortable with it from the first week I joined, but I tried to live with it.  However, there was one incident that was the final straw, that told me that I can't in good conscience identify with this group.  Someone posted a question about the origins of a phrase.  I posted a link to an article about the origins of the phrase.  My link was deleted because the people who originated the phrase were pacifists.  Apparently AODA thinks we can't learn history if the history has anything controversial in it.

Druids forge their own paths.  Organizations like AODA, OBOD, and ADF may provide a starting point, may give you direction and focus, but ultimately, you forge your own druid path. So I've been thinking, what's my druid study program? What if I want to go on to the second degree of study,  not AODA's second degree, but one I create myself?

I know that I like to make lists of things to do and books to read, and, rather than doing the things or reading the books, I just go on to make new lists  But right now what I have in my mind clamoring to be written is a second degree curriculum.

Areas  for my druid curriculum are:

• Ancestors
• Meditation
• Ritual
• Nature
•  Movement
• Music
• Sustainable living

Some of these areas, such as nature and meditation, are pretty much core to druidry.  Others, such as movement,  are specific to my own interest.  Other people would add areas according to their interests, such as divination.

For each area, I'll list practices and/or books to read.   I've read a number of books in these areas already.  I'll list books I've read and found valuable, and books I'd like to read.  I'm omitting books I've read that I did not find to be crucial to my druid study.  With the books I haven't read, I'll find them and at least look at them.  If they do not seem worthwhile, I will delete them from the list.  If they do seem worthwhile, I will read them and keep them on the list.

Ancestors

Ancestor study is framed in Nimue Brown's book Druidry and the Ancestors.   I've read this book, but I want to keep re-reading it, because I think it has a lot to do with  what my druid path is all about.  It's about seeing myself is rooted in history, family, and the earth.

Brown writes about ancestors of tradition, place, and blood, so that's how I categorize my reading lists in this area.

Tradition

For my druid study program, studying the ancestors of tradition means reading about what others have said about druidry and pantheism.

Historical Druids
Alhouse-Green, Miranda.  Caesar's Druids: An Ancient Priesthood.
Cunliffe, Barry.  The Ancient Celts.
Ellis, Peter Berresford.  A Brief History of the Druids.
Hutton, Ronald.  The Druids.
Hutton, Ronald.  Blood and Mistletoe.
James, Simon.  The World of the Celts.
King, John Robert. The Celtic Druids' Year: Seasonal Cycles of the Ancient Celts.
Markale, Jean.  The Druids: Celtic Priests of Nature.


Modern Druids
Billington, PennyThe Path of Druidry: Walking the Ancient Green Way.
Bonewits, Isaac.  Bonewits' Essential Guide to Druidism.
Carr-Gomm, Philip.  Druid Mysteries.
Carr-Gomm, Philip.  The Rebirth of Druidry.
Carr-Gomm, Philip.  What Do Druids Believe?
Ellison, Robert.  The Solitary Druid.
Greenfield, Trevor.  Paganism 101.
Orr, Emma Restall.  Druidry.
Orr, Emma Restall.  Living Druidry: Magical Spirituality for the Wild Soul.
Taelboys, Graeme K.  Way of the Druid: Renaissance of a Celtic Religion and its Renaissance.
Treadwell, Cat.  A Druid's Tale.
van der Hoeven, Joanna.  The Awen Alone: Walking the Path of the Solitary Druid.
White, Julie, and Talboys, Graeme K.  The Path Through the Forest: A Druid Guidebook.

Pantheist
Harrion, Paul.  Elements of Pantheism.
Raymo, Chet.  Natural Prayers.
Raymo, Chet.  When God is Gone, Everything is Holy.

 Place

My ancestors were from New England, and before that, they were from Britain and Ireland.  I want to learn the history of these places in order to know about the lives of my ancestors, lives which led to the creation of me.  I want to visit the places in New England where my ancestors lived. 

New England

Historical Fiction
Hebert, Ernest.  The Old American.
Hebert, Ernest.  Whisper My Name.
Hebert, Ernest.  The Dogs of March.
Voigt, Cynthia.  Tree By Leaf. 

Memoir
Robertson, Adele Crockett. The Orchard. 

Nonfiction
Bunker, John P., Jr.  Not Far From the Tree: A Brief History of the Apples and Orchards of Palermo, Maine, 1804-2004.
McBride, Bunnie, and Prins, Harald E.L.  Indians in Eden: Wabanakis and Rusticators on Maine's Mt. Desert Island.
Rainford, Sheila, and Jones, Ruth Owen.  Harvesting History: Amherst, Masschusetts Farms 1700-2010.
Russell, Howard S.  Indian New England Before the Mayflower.
Sherman, Sam.  Ipswich: Stories from the River's Mouth.

Britain

Nonfiction
Hutton, Ronald.  The Stations of the Sun.
Sykes, Bryan.  Saxons, Vikings, and Celts.

Ireland 

Historical fiction
Shaw, Maura D.  The Keeners.

Mythology
Gantz, Jeffrey. Irish Myths and Sagas.
Heaney, Marie. Over Nine Waves.
Heaney, Marie. Names Upon the Harp.
Smyth, Daragh. Guide to Irish mythology.

Nonfiction
McCaffrey and Eaton. In Search of Ancient Ireland. 

 Blood

 I've read a book that one of my ancestors wrote about another of my ancestors, but mostly the study of ancestors of the blood is not about reading published books.  It's about spending time with my relatives, and collecting stories and photos.

Meditation

I want to practice meditation every day.  In addition, the following books may be useful in cultivating that sense of spirituality and being present  in the moment.

Brown, Nimue.  Druidry and Meditation.
Brown, Nimue.  Spirituality Without Structure.
Brown, Nimue.  When a Pagan Prays.
Kornfield, Jack.  After the Ecstasy, The Laundry.
Nichol, James.  Contemplative Druidry.
Patterson, Rachel.  Meditation.
Pierce, Tamora.  The Circle of Magic and Circle Opens series are fantasy novels which talk about meditation as a way of tapping into your power, and which promote respect for the forces of nature.

Ritual

Practice  rituals to celebrate the wheel of the year and other occasions.

Greer, John Michael. The Druidry Handbook.
Greer, John Michael. The Druid Magic Handbook.
Kondratiev, Alexei.  The Apple Branch.
White, Julie, and Talboys, Graeme K.  Arianrhod's Dance.

Nature 

Go for walks every week.  Watch the turning of the day and the turning of the seasons.

Trees
Blouin, Glen.  An Eclectic Guide to Trees East of the Rockies.
Fergus, Charles.  Trees of New England: A Natural History.
Symonds, George W., and Chelminski, Stephen V.  Tree Identification Book: A New Method for the Practical Identification and Recognition of Trees.
Sibley, David Allen.  The Sibley Guide to Trees.
Thomas, Peter. Trees: Their Natural History.
Watts, May T.  Winter Tree Finder: A Manual for Identifying Deciduous Trees in Winter (Eastern US)
Wells, Diana.  Lives of the Trees: An Uncommon History.

Insects
Berenbaum, May.  Bugs in the System: Insects and Their Impact on Human Affairs.
Buchmann, S., and G. Nabhan.  The Forgotten Polllinators. 
Capinera, John.  Field Guide to Grasshoppers, Katydids, and Crickets of the United States.
Deltheir, Vincent G.  Crickets and Katydids: Concerts and Solos.
Jacobsen, R.  Fruitless Fall: The Collapse of the Honey Bee and the Coming Agricultural Crisis.
Longgod, W.  The Queen Must Die: And Other Affairs of Bees and Men.
Ransome, Hilda.  The Sacred Bee in Ancient Times and Folklore.
Tautz, J.  The Buzz About Bees: Biology of a Super-organism.
Whynott, Douglas.  Following the Bloom. 

Other
Bailey, Elisabeth Tova. The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating.
Krichner, John C.and Morrison, Gordon. Ecology of Eastern Forests.
Mabey, Richard.  Weeds: In Defense of Nature's Most Unloved Plants.

 Movement

Practice movement every day.  This includes dance, Nia, and tai chi.

I have looked at several tai chi books, but none make the cut for my druid study program.  Maybe these books will be interesting.

Roth, Gabrielle. Maps to Ecstasy: The Healing Power of Movement.
Roth, Gabrielle.  Sweat Your Prayers.

Music 

Listen to music.  Sing.  Play musical instruments.  I have long had the idea to learn to play hammered dulcimer or harp, but in the mean-time, I have a ukulele and I found that practicing it is a way of opening my mind to music theory.  

Roseman, Ed.  Edly's Music Theory for Practical People.

Sustainable living

Integrate sustainable practices into my life.  Be mindful of where everything you use comes from.  Don't use products that harm the environment. Reduce reliance on fossil fuels.  Use renewable energy.  Reduce, re-use, recycle.   Buy local and organic.  Support small businesses and farmers. 

Coyne, Kelly, and Knutzen, Erik.    The Urban Homestead. 
Hayes, Shannon.  Radical Homemakers.
Elgin, Duane. Voluntary Simplicity.

The Dancers of Arun

Some books I find by wandering through the library, pulling them off the shelf.  Such was the case with The Dancers of Arun by Elizabeth A. Lynn. 

It meets some of my basic criteria:

• I like fantasy novels because they are about a pre-industrial world.  I like them when they are mostly fantasy novels for that reason.  I don't like them to be thick with dragons, magic, princesses, etc.  
• I like them when it feels like I am inside the main character's head, rather than when it is told from the outside.  I like it when it's about characters, feelings, and relationships.

Some things about it which I think for me were neutral, not really pros or cons:

• It has non-mainstream sexual mores.  It would be off-putting to many.  On the other hand those who like such things would see this as a plus.  For me, it wasn't really a plus or a minus.  To me, I entered into the world of the novel and took things in terms of what they meant to the characters.
• Some describe Lynn's writing style as "choppy" or "stilted."  Some saw this as a positive, others as a negative.  To me, for the most part, the book was successful in getting me too immersed in the story to notice the language, although it times it did seem a little off.

A negative for me:

•  Many characters didn't really have distinct personalities.  It was just a bunch of names to keep straight.  When a book really gives you a sense of who a person is, then you don't have to think, "Which one is that one again?"  Or, even when I knew which one it was, I just knew one fact about them, I didn't have a feel for who they were as a person.  

A positive:

• Portrayal of disability.  It's presented as something that's not like a big thing, not like this person is a disabled person.  Instead, it's just part of who a person is.  It has a constant impact on who they are, but it is just one part of who they are, it is not their identity.  

Mediocrity

Last night I was reading By the Sword by Mercedes Lackey.  In it, Kerowyn has three years of hard training.

This morning on the radio they had an interview with Quinn Sullivan.  Now 15, he has been playing blues guitar on national television since age six. 

They have what I am missing: they work hard, and excel at something.  At least in school, I had things that I could work at and accomplish. 

When I was pursuing the AODA curriculum, I liked having something I was working toward. But then I could not in good conscience stick with them, due to their censorship practices.

Every now and then, in tai chi or Morris dance, I feel like I'm learning something.  I like it.  But it's not enough.

Most of the time, I am overwhelmed with things that have to be done.  They don't require excellence.  They just require time.  They are boring, and there are too many of them, so I can never get things done thoroughly and well. 

Tai chi

I took tai chi early in my druid studies, July 2010-April 2011.  I took it to fulfill a requirement for the AODA curriculum.  At that we had to choose one from a list of areas of study.  One area of study was healing, and one of the requirements was to study a healing art.  I chose tai chi as my healing art.  In December 2010, the AODA curriculum changed, and allowed greater freedom for choosing an area of study.   It  required that we spend at least 20 hours studying our chosen area.  I had already spent more than 20 hours on tai chi.  I did continue with tai chi at that time, but that when we got to the end of the 24 forms, I chose to quit.  I think one of the things that bothered me was that the teacher seemed annoyed at me for not being better at it.  I didn't really feeling paying someone to act annoyed at me.

This summer, they started offering tai chi on lunch hour at my workplace.  I have been to two classes so far.  So far, so good.  I have also been feeling very healthy the past few weeks.  It is possible that the tai chi is the reason, but it seems unlikely that such a small amount of tai chi would have sudden and dramatic effects, especially since it did not have that effect when I was doing it before.

The renewal of my tai chi practice inspired me to take another look at a book I bought when I started tai chi a few years ago, Tai Chi for Beginners and the 24 Forms by Paul Lam and Nancy Kaye.  Much of what I see in the book is like druidry, but there are also places where I feel a sense of cultural incompatibility.  The stories that don't resonate with me culturally:

Chen Fa-ke was sickly and weak as a child....Chen was supposed to be learning too, but he didn't.  He was either too lazy or just not interested...Chen's physical weakness had become an embarrassment to him....Chen used every available minute to practise....Chen had done all the hard work on his own.

and

Chen style was not taught to outsiders.  But Yang was so eager to learn that he pretended to be a starving beggar and....was then taken in and accepted as a servant in the Chen household....Yang would peer through a crack in the wall to watch Chen-style tai chi practice, and then practise in secret....In those days, Yang could have been legally executed for such and act....Yang Lu-chan remains an extreme example of how one can become so addicted to tai chi that one is willing to risk one's life.

What bothers me in these stories is that they are trying to teach the lesson that you can do anything if you are really dedicated and work really hard at it.  To me, these particular stories have a distinctly Chinese flavor to them.  In American culture, we have a similar idea, it just has a different flavor.  In Chinese culture, it seems there is more of an emphasis on dedicated study, while in American culture, there is more emphasis on bold risk-taking, but either way, I don't like it when cultures perpetuate the idea that you can do anything you want if you try hard enough.  That's demeaning for the people who actually can't do something.

Now, what are the things I did like in the book, things that sounded to me much like druidry?  Meditation is part of druidry, and tai chi is a form of meditation.  Both tai chi and meditation include consciousness of breathing and being present in the moment.  The section in the book on qigong breathing reminded me of druidry's Sphere of Protection.  Both are about standing, doing some basic movements, and feeling the life force within and around you.  The concept of yin and yang in tai chi is like the concept of giamos and samos from The Apple Branch.  Druidry is about seeing the world in a cyclical way, the way the year turns from season to season.  The tai chi book says on page 106:

Nature goes in circles.  Fast complements slow.  Full moon alternates with no moon.  It's in our nature to be stressed and relaxed, depressed and happy, moving fast and slow -- as long as appropriate balance is achieved.

Madeleine L'Engle

When I was a teenager, I was a fan of Madeleine L'Engle.  I bought as many books of hers as I could.  That is long since past.

Now I am not much impressed by her work.  One thing is that certain things repeatedly in her books:

• the alcoholic parent or parent-figure
• the alcoholic parent or parent-figure who makes sexual advances on the child
• a beloved mother figure, not a biological mother, a passionate artist
• the disruptive child adopted when his or her parents die
• the wise, kind, older man who comforts and counsels the main characters
• the awkward misfit girl in boarding school
• the girl in boarding school betrayed by a classmate who was once her friend
• the attractive young man with pale skin, dark hair, and tormented soul
• the beloved child, a boy about 5-6 years old
• the death of a beloved child
• the wife struggling to forgive betrayal by her husband
• the priest, the doctor, the scientist, the musician, the writer, the actor -- this seems to cover most of the career options in her world
• the vehicle that veered onto the sidewalk and hit a child
• people being injured or killed in car accidents

She wrote from the prejudices of her time.  She came from a world in which everyone was wealthy, well-educated, white, and heterosexual, and you can see how this leads to certain assumptions in her writing.  I think that in later books she struggles to expand, but falls short of the mark.  For example, in A House Like a Lotus and A Severed Wasp she struggles to accept homosexuality, but to me it comes across as if she is saying we must love everyone, and judge them only their kindness to others, and not on their distasteful sexual proclivities.

I most recently read The Love Letters.  I hope none of my loved ones read it and think they ought to adopt its attitudes.  It was written in a time when it was normal for men to have careers and women not to. In that situation, if the woman wants more from the relationship than the man does, well, according to L'Engle, she just needs to live with the imbalance.  It seems to me that if she found something to do outside the home, whether a paid job or volunteer work, but some way of being useful to the world at large, she would be happier, and so would her husband, because she would not be looking to him for all her fulfillment.

That book also comes from a time when pregnant women thought nothing of drinking alcoholic beverages.  And a time when, according to L'Engle, women who refuse sex with their husbands because they are angry are just as sinful as prostitutes, because in both cases, they are using sex for personal gain.  In this book, the husband refers to a particular sexual encounter with his wife as "rape."  She in no way suggests that this sexual encounter was wrong.  In fact, afterwards, the wife is filled with love for her husband.

And it's a book in which a wife must love her husband and honor her commitment to him, even if he is cruel to her, puts her down, cheats on her.

The racist, sexist, heterosexist, and classist attitudes in her writing are so invisible to her, because they are a part of her culture.  They are part of her world view.  She is a person who thinks deeply about moral questions, but there are some things that she just can't see.

Imagine what it would be like to live in that world.  What would it be like to be a wife and to feel that you are at fault if having no work outside that home leaves you feeling unfilled? What it would be like to feel you must be a bad wife if you fail to forgive when your husband puts you down and cheats on you? What it would like to feel you must submit whenever your  husband wants to have sex with you?

I do appreciate that love is about giving, that it involves sacrifice and compromise, that I also believe that I have my own core, and that I need to look out for myself as well, and that I must leave a relationship if that relationship diminishes me.  

And of course, as Madeleine L'Engle wears the blinders of her time, so I wear the blinders of my time.  And as she cannot see her blinders, neither can I see mine.  The age difference between L'Engle and me is about the same as the age gap between babies born this year and me.  So some day, babies born this year will look back at my writing and be appalled at  how blinded I was by the prejudices of my time.  

Multiple truths

From The Apple Branch by Alexei Kondratiev (page 10):

many versions of one story can be true simultaneously.  Looked at from one angle, a specific pattern will emerge; from another angle, the pattern will be different.  All the patterns are interwoven, all are related, yet each one can stand on its own.

This fits my own philosophy.  Back when I was in college, a theme I used for several papers was that in order to fully understand something, you need to look at it from different, seemingly contradictory, viewpoints.  

Ronald Hutton

I'm glad to be free of TV, movies, pop music, and commercial radio.  One thing that I haven't quit yet is Facebook.  I do value the way it has allowed me to connect with people who otherwise would not be in my life, and to get to know people who otherwise would just be acquaintances.  However, what I don't like is all the extreme opinions, and claims made that are not based on thorough research.  Today as I was reading Stations of the Sun by Ronald Hutton, I appreciated his thorough research.  Two books I've been reading for the AODA curriculum, The Book of Druidry and The Druid Revival Reader are not like that.  They are like Facebook -- people throwing around ideas that are not based in thorough research.  I try to view these two books as historical, as showing me how people thought in the past.  Unfortunately, Facebook shows me people still think that way, still twist things to fit their own beliefs.

I see that stuff on Facebook, and it seems to me it is too big.  There is so much that the government is doing, the corporations are doing, and we'll never understand it all.  We'll just keep throwing around ignorant opinions.

Then I read Ronald Hutton, and he is a beacon of light.  He is what I want to be -- someone who seeks and shares truth.

My druid path

Tonight I read the first 20 pages of Druidry and Meditation by Nimue Brown.  It got me thinking of my druid path.  I joined AODA.  AODA prescribes a certain path, with lots of leeway to make it your own.  The AODA path is a starting point.  You know, it's like they say you have to know the theoretical foundations of something (like music) really well before you can start inventing stuff that breaks away from the foundations.  Following a structure such as the AODA curriculum gives you a chance to try some stuff and learn some stuff.  Then after you've tried some stuff, you forge your own path.

I took two years to complete AODA's first degree curriculum.  When I completed it about a year and a half ago, I stopped.  It was feeling burdensome to me, and I wanted to take some time away.  I still identify as a druid, and I still read druid books, but I'm not really practicing.

So, I started reading Druidry and Meditation, and it struck me that meditation and time outdoors, both required by the AODA curriculum, really are essential to druidry.  So that got me thinking, if we forget about following AODA requirements, what do I think is essential?  Tonight's first thoughts on that question:

• Meditation.
• Time with nature.
• Learning.  Continually seeking knowledge and wisdom.
• Service.  Caring for my community and my land.

When I read Nimue's book Druidry and the Ancestors, I saw that studying my ancestry was essential to my druidry.  Studying my ancestry is not just about my actual genetic ancestors.  It's about seeing myself not as a disconnected individual, but as emerging from all who have gone before.

Just as I need to understand human history, I also need to understand the earth.  This earth provides shelter, food, clothing, and air to breathe.  It gives me life.  I could not be without it.  

AODA's Second Degree curriculum requires study of one specialized area that falls under Bard, Ovate, or Druid.  I have been doing Morris dancing and thinking that it counts as Bardic study.  But now as I think about defining my own path, not just fulfilling requirements, it seems to me that something is missing there. Druidry has to do with tapping into creativity.  That's not what I'm doing in Morris dancing.  I'm just trying to keep up with learning the dances.  But druidry does require discipline as well as creativity.

So, what is my druid path?

1. Mind.  I  need to learn about the world from which I have sprung, which includes both human history and nature.  
2. Spirit.  In addition to developing my knowledge, I need to develop the non-rational side of things. Activities may include meditation, time in nature, tai chi, free movement, and any sort of creativity.
3. Craft.  We live in a society in which we are encouraged to have corporations meet our every need.  These days our skills are not how to do things for ourselves, but how to look up information and buy things.  As a druid, I need to learn to do some things for myself.  Druids know how to make things, grow things, and build things.

With the knowledge I gain from pursuits of the mind, the wisdom I gain from pursuits of the spirit, and the skills I can from my pursuits of craft, my hope is to grow in my ability to take care of myself, my people, and my land.

The tribe

I've been reading a bit of The Apple Branch by Alexei Kontratiev.  I like the fact that he says that the Celts have been Christian for centuries, so it's kind of silly to be into Celtic stuff but be anti-Christian.  But then I don't like where he goes after that.  He defines Tribe as people who speak a common language.  Then he goes on to say therefore, if you are interested in Celtic stuff, you should learn a Celtic language.  I would think that the same logic he used with regard to Christianity would apply here --for many Celts, English is their native language now.

I don't like it when people get fixed in their mind that one particular moment in history is the correct one, that the people who lived in that place and time are the true natives of that land, and anyone who came after was an intruder.  The reality is that human history is a history of migration and cultural change.

Some of my ancestors came to North America from England.  Some take the attitude you English should not have come, you should go back where you came from.  But people from England, they had ancestors too, they had Angles, Saxons, Jutes, Celts, Romans, Normans.  Yes, at one time in history some of my ancestors lived in England, but they lived in other places before that, and they lived in New England after that.  Why pick on England as the place where my people are truly from?  That kind of thinking is a narrow view, that does not grasp the way cultures shift through history.