Dumb things that people always say

A former vegan went to dinner with a group of people and witnessed a non-vegetarian asking a vegetarian questions about her reasons for being a vegetarian. Later he commented to me, "That's one of the things I don't miss about being a vegetarian -- the interrogation."

That got us talking about the other things people always say that we wouldn't miss.

People who know of my chronic fatigue say things along the lines of "If you lived the lifestyle I live, you would be as healthy as me." They don't say lifestyle. They each have a specific thing, like if you ate more of a particular type of food or did more of a certain activity. There are a lot of people who live less healthy lifestyles than I who are living just fine, so they don't get picked on, but because my health is lacking, everyone is out to correct my lifestyle.

Another thing that people always say is that complete strangers come up to me and ask me whether or not my hair is my natural color. I can't really fathom why people think it's appropriate to go up to a complete stranger and say that.

Similarly, it's normally considered inappropriate to go up to a complete stranger and touch them, so why do people go up to pregnant women and touch their bellies?

Another response that I get to my hair color is people telling my things like, "My uncle used to have red hair, but it's white now." Why would I care whether complete strangers have red hair in their family tree?

Similarly, when people learn that what my brother does for a living is play piano and organ, they say things to him like, "My nephew used to play cello."

If you live in California, and you tell people that you are from Connecticut, they might say, "I know someone in New Jersey."

I think if you are in the U.S. and you tell people you are from Brazil, you probably get responses like, "My daughter visited Nicaragua once."

I understand that people are just trying to make a connection. It's good of them to take the risk to reach out for a connection, even though they are on shaky ground. I don't really mind if people tell me about the hair color of their relatives, or even if they ask me if I dye my hair (as long as the answer is no), but I don't really like the way some people give advice. I don't necessarily mind if people who hear my problems engage with me as a partner in brainstorming, but I don't like the attitude, "Your problem would be solved if only you did what I do."

Good listeners

I think a lot of the things that irk me boil down to people not being good listeners. It's not just about being quiet long enough to let me talk. It's about whether people can bend their minds enough to see people for themselves, or whether they just see their own pre-conceptions when they look at other people. Sometimes people are too eager to put everything into pre-determined categories rather than letting them bloom as they are. Sometimes people have certain ideas of what people are like and what people should do, and they don't seem to grasp that those ideas don't apply to everyone. They give me advice, as if the reason I do things the way I'm doing them is because I'm ignorant rather than because I choose to.

My parents and most of my relatives convey that people should be who they are, should follow their own paths. It's not that they like everything everyone does, but that when others are different, they accept that they diverge from them rather than trying to define or change them. I value people who have that sort of outlook, and remain aloof from those who do not.

We all just want to be understood

When someone says something to me that makes me feel annoyed, misunderstood, or hurt, my impulse is to tell someone else about it. The reason for that is because there is a certain piece of me that has not been understood or accepted. Therefore I take that piece around to somewhere else to try to get understanding and acceptance for it.

One of the things that bothers me, and which often leads me to having a piece in search of acceptance, is people who cast judgment on other people's lives. When I take my piece around for acceptance, a side effect of that acceptance could be criticism of the person who rejected that piece.

Does this mean that I don't think other people should judge, but that it's okay for me to judge, or for others to judge as long as they agree with my judgments? I like to think that there's a difference. The difference is between judging someone's actions as being inherently bad and being disturbed by someone's actions. If someone bothers me, that means I want them farther away from me. It doesn't mean that the person is inherently wrong.

There is a place for judgment. There are some actions that are wrong, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about people who are steal or kill or cheat. I'm talking about people whose outlook or interpersonal style does not mesh with mine.

It bothers me when people make judgments about how other people live their lives. I don't like it when people think someone else should be working harder to improve themselves in some area, whether it's eating a different diet, exercising more, advancing their career, or improving their interpersonal skills. I don't think one can judge those kinds of things. Each person has their own preferences, goals, and barriers, and no one else can really understand what another person wants or has to overcome.

When someone says something that leaves a part of me seeking acceptance or understanding, I take it around to others in search of acceptance. All the other person has to do is say they see where I'm coming from, or not say much at all about it. But a lot of people don't do that. A common mistake people make is explaining that I really should not be bothered by the thing that bothers me. Apparently they think this will cheer me up. However it comes across as saying that I have no right to feel the way that I do. Even after I explain to people that the way I want them to be supportive is by accepting my feelings, they still explain to me why my feelings are wrong. This just leaves me feeling more misunderstood, so then I move on to somewhere else to seek understanding and acceptance.

When someone consistently says things that bother me, then I just stop talking to that person. It could be topic-specific. It could be that I find I can talk to someone about impersonal topics, but that there's no point in talking to them about my personal dilemmas.

There's a place for dialogue. I don't expect everyone to instantly understand me. But if someone persists in responding to me in ways that I don't like, even after I explain where I'm coming from, then after a while, I just have to stop sharing with that person in that way.

People can be close to the extent that they are on the same wavelength, but they also have to give room for distance in the areas where they are not on the same wavelength. I can't expect everyone to be close to me in all ways. If I strive for that, I'll just be frustrated, and won't be able to appreciate the ways in which I do connect with people. The complications arise when the ways I want to be close and distant with someone differ from what that person wants, or when circumstances put me into a situation such that a person is part of my life more or less than I would like.