An egalitarian college president

I work at a university where the president has a chauffeur who drives her from one building to another on campus.  She corrects any student who dares to call her by her first name.  She expects her vice presidents to rise when she enters a room.  This offends my values.  Quakers are the ones who went to prison for refusing to take off their hat for the kind.  I am stuck here until I find another way to earn a living.

Marlboro College is one place that has a very different set of values.  I have applied for jobs there, but I have not been offered any jobs there. 

The Summer 2012 Marlboro College alumni magazine has an article about a professor on the occasion of her retirement.  The professor, Laura Stevenson, joined Marlboro in 1986.  She says, "The first winter I was here we got a big snowstorm, and when I finally got to campus with my snowshoes and shovel, there were the president and the dean shoveling the walks."

The Spring 2015 issue suggests that the trend of non-snobby presidents has continued.  Regarding an ice storm in 2008, the magazine says, "Ellen was one of just a few people able to get to campus.  She opened the kitchen and ended up flipping pancakes." 

Ellen is the president of Marlboro.  The magazine refers to her by her first name.  The president of the university where I work not only refuses to be called by her first name, she also insists on being called by a pretentious title. 

Values I grew up with

This morning, I was reading Druidry and the Ancestors by Nimue Brown, and that got me thinking about examining my past.  The values that surrounded me as I was growing up, that came from my family and from my college, shaped me.  What was I told growing up, and what do I believe now?

From my great-grandfather

• When he started college, his father told him, "You can send a boy to college, but you cannot make him think."  He resolved to think.  He valued education.
• A person of knowledge and wisdom does not need to brag.  He maintains a humble demeanor.  People who brag that they know a lot generally don't know much.
• There's always more to learn.  Keep learning.
• Travel.  See that there are people who live differently and think differently.

From my mother

• Cities are bad.
• Rich people are bad.
• Don't wear make-up, jewelry, pantyhose, high heels, or any other fancy clothes.
• Don't use alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, or drugs.
• Don't eat sugar, processed foods, white flour, etc.
• Dieting or exercising to lose weight is silly.  If you just live a healthy lifestyle, you won't be fat.
• Racism used to exist, but now we know that it is wrong.  
• Family is good.  
• Compost your garbage.
• Old clothes can be mended or made into something else.  
• Live the life you love, not the life that makes you rich.  
• Marry for love.  It's silly to think about whether or not a prospective husband has a good job.
• Be true to your values.
• Bad people exist.  Keep them out of your life.
• If you are tired, you should rest.  Don't push yourself.

From my father

• I am a country girl who can use an outhouse and ride in a pick-up truck on dirt roads. 
• I am at home in the forests of New England, with forest floors covered with boulders and pine needles.  
• It's good to be eccentric.

From my childhood experience

• Don't wear dresses because you never know when you might need to climb over a barbed wire fence.
• Heaven is sitting on big boulders by the ocean.
• I love cross country skiing.  

From general family and Quaker values

• Live with integrity.  Tell the truth.  Live your ideals.
• You should pay for things what they are worth.  It is wrong for a seller to ask for too much, or for a buyer to pay too little.  It is wrong to get things you  haven't earned.  That means gambling, the lottery, stocks, sales, coupons, advertising, and bargaining are wrong.
• Don't waste money. Only buy what you need.  Don't live in a mansion. Don't hire servants.  Prepare your own food.  Clean your own house.  Don't turn your heat up too high.
• There are some things people don't want to talk about.  You won't get anywhere if you ask directly, but if you just wait and absorb the clues, gradually you'll get an understanding of it.  
• There is that of God in everyone.  If someone does something bad, it is because they are hurting. It is your job to see past the bad deeds, and find that of God in everyone.

From college

• The fact that you were admitted to this college means that you are very smart.
• Being a housewife is for people who aren't as smart as you.
• Sexism is rampant, and as a woman, you should be outraged at how oppressed you are.
• Racism is rampant, and people of color should be outraged at how oppressed they are.

I have conflicts now, between what I'm supposed to believe and what my reality is.

Belief:
Dieting or exercising to lose weight is silly.  If you just live a healthy lifestyle, you won't be fat.

Reality:
That came from my mother's side of the family.  My mother's side of the family is naturally skinny.  My father's side of the family is naturally fat.  My mother's side of the family looked scornfully at my father's mother's efforts to lose weight.  They saw a correlation between weight and effort to lose weight, and somehow got confused about the causal relations there, thinking that being fat was caused by worrying about weight loss, rather than vice versa.  I've inherited my body from my father's side of the family, but my attitudes from my mother's side of the family.

Belief:
Live the life you love, not the life that makes you rich.

Reality:
My mother can say that because her stepfather provides her with a house and her husband provides her with groceries.  The reality is you have to either earn money, or else depend on money someone else has earned.  And people who want to pay you to do things you love don't exactly grow on trees, so sometimes surviving requires doing things you don't love.

Belief:
There is that of God in everyone.  If someone does something bad, it is because they are hurting. It is your job to see past the bad deeds, and find that of God in everyone.

Reality:
There are a lot of people I just don't like.  And though I may know that bad deeds come from hurt, I don't personally have the strength to withstand the bad deeds, so I choose to withdraw, rather than to find a way to love the person.

Belief:
Don't use alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, or drugs.

Reality:
I still don't use alcohol, drugs, or tobacco, but I'm dependent on caffeine.  

Belief:
Don't waste money. Only buy what you need.  Don't live in a mansion. Don't hire servants.  Prepare your own food.  Clean your own house.  Don't turn your heat up too high.

Reality:
I'm tired. I hate housework.  Sometimes I eat out.  Sometimes I buy prepared foods that only have to be heated up at home.  I've started turning up the heat high enough so that when I'm wearing three layers, I'm not too cold.  

What do I believe now? What I believe now was influenced by family and my childhood, but also by all all that I have learned and experienced since then.  So, my life up to the current moment has brought me to these conclusions:

• Live sustainably.  Live in a way such that the earth will be able to sustain humans indefinitely.  It's not only for the future though.  For your own spiritual health, it's not good to live a life of greed and consumption.  That does not mean you should live a life of deprivation either.  It means that you should be mindful of your choices.  Before you throw something away, think about whether it could still be used for soemthing.  Before you buy something, think about whether you really need it, and whether you could make something instead of buying it.  Appreciate your comforts -- the warmth of sunlight, the taste of an apple, the sound of music.  
• You should pay for things what they are worth.  It is wrong for a seller to ask for too much, or for a buyer to pay too little.  It is wrong to get things you  haven't earned.  That means gambling, the lottery, stocks, sales, coupons, advertising, and bargaining are wrong.
• A person of knowledge and wisdom does not need to brag.  Listen to those who speak their truths quietly.  Do not try to inflate yourself in the way your dress, the titles you use, or the way you describe your skills and experience.
• Learning is a journey that never ends.  Seek to continue to grow in knowledge, wisdom, and compassion.  Be wary of being too smug in your beliefs.  At the same time, your current beliefs are the best you can do for now.  Be true to them.  
• You can't change other people.  Try to create the life you believe in.  Work with others who have compatible visions, because we can achieve little in isolation. 
• Treat others with respect.  If you can't tolerate them, walk away rather than put them down.  
• In particular, children should be listened to and their wishes should be respected.  No, not their wishes to eat lots of candy, but if they don't want to be held or kissed, respect that.
• Give people space.  If they don't want to talk about something, don't press them.  You can be close to someone without knowing everything about them.  
• Expect to be treated with respect and kindness. Be tolerant when a person who is generally good to you slips up, but walk away from anyone who consistently fails to treat you with respect and kindness. 
• Shop locally.  Whether it's vegetables or music, appreciate that which is created by hand in your own community, and avoid that which is produced by giant corporations.  
• Avoid television, video games, movies, and computers. Instead, experience life in person.  Go outside.  Dance.  Sing.  Make things.  Play.  Listen to people.  
• Avoid processed foods.  Eat organic foods.  Eat whole grains, legumes, fruits, and vegetables.  If you choose to eat meat, be mindful of how the animals you eat  lived.
• Be physically active, but not by using machines in a gym.  Get outside.  Dance.  Build things.
• Enjoy arts and crafts.  Create your own, and appreciate what others have created.  My preferences are music and dance, but other preferences are just as valuable, such as poetry, drawing, storytelling, sewing, pottery, etc.
• Spend time with the people you cherish.  Never forget that you cherish them, and let it show in how you treat them.  
• Choose clothes that are comfortable and practical.  Don't dress to make yourself look prestigious.  But, choose clothes whose beauty you enjoy.
• Don't use alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs.  That is, sometimes medical drugs may be needed, but think carefully before using them.  

Seeking truth vs. seeking validation of pre-existing beliefs

The Friday before last, the news was all dominated by one thing.  I was taking a vacation day from work, too tired to do anything, just lying there listening to the radio, so I heard a lot of it.  One thing that I heard was Shankar Vedantam saying that when we hear about things like that, we frame it in terms of our pre-existing beliefs.  He talked about how after the Newtown shootings, some people focused on guns while others focused on mental illness.

Then my friend called me, ranting about how outraged he was that some people on the internet speculated that one of the Boston bombers was Sunil Tripathi.  It struck me how much that came from his pre-existing beliefs, that of all the things that happened, that was the only thing that he was going on about.  People say all kinds of stupid things on the internet, this was just one of many stupid things people say on the internet.  But to him, this was the most important thing.  More important than the bombing itself.  More important than the good things people did afterwards to help the victims of the bombing.  More important than the fact that the New York Post printed a photo identifying two innocent people as suspects.  More important than the fact that more reputable news media (such as NPR, which is what I was following) did a better job of presenting accurate reports.

The same set of events has different meanings to different people, depending on their pre-existing views.  People seem so wrapped up in proving their point.  They don't use research to search for truth.  They use research to search for evidence to back up what they already believe.

On Facebook, I see lots of posts that are about showing how stupid the other side is.  They imagine that everyone who disagrees with them is some monolithic other side, with no diversity or subtlety or reason, and then the post things putting down this imaginary other side.

A liberal posts a photo captioned, "If you believe your factory should not be subject to federal regulations,  then you should not get federal funds when it blows up."

A conservative posts an image that says, "The 2nd Amendment isn't subject to opinion polls."

Both of these statements include underlying premises about what the people on the other side believes. I think that they are painting the other side with a broad brush.  That offends me.  It seems like the goal should be to seek truth.  The goal should be for all of us to work together to learn how to thrive as the human race.

What I would like is to see everyone trained in rhetoric and logic.  For example, one device that is used is to present something as "what the government's not telling you," or "what the corporations aren't telling you," or "what the media's not telling you."  I think people respond to this.  They instinctively latch on to the idea of a cover-up.  But if they were savvy to the fact that this sort of phrasing is often used as a way to tap into people's emotions, then they could see past that part of it, and more clearly evaluate how much truth there actually might be to the claim.

What can I do? Can I help my community to seek truth?  In a way, it's what I've wanted to do my entire adult life.  In my 20's, I wanted to do research to figure out how best to address social problems.    I was concerned that the solutions people were throwing at poverty and violence were based on ideology, and I wanted to do research to find out what really would work.  In my 30's, I wanted to work in educational administration, to help shape schools into environments where student learning would thrive.  Now I am thinking of being a librarian, to preserve and pass on knowledge.  I still don't really know what exactly my niche is, but what has been consistent is that I want to contribute to a search for knowledge and wisdom.  In particular, I want to support the quest to learn how we humans can best live together in compassionate, just, and sustainable ways.

The magic of music and dance

Of course I love music and dance just for the sheer pleasure of them, and that alone would probably be enough, but philosophically, it's also incredible the way they can knit people together.

I have felt for much of my life, that my purpose (like God's purpose for me, but without the God part) is:

• To knit people together into communities.
• To shine a light on people's strengths, and in so doing, to help those strengths to grow.
• To sow positive feelings in a way that will have a ripple effect -- like my being kind to others will inspire them to be kind to everyone they encounter.

And music and dance have the power to do that stuff.  They are magic.

Bruce Jackson did a good job of describing Pete Seeger's magic.  You can read the longer version at The Great Conspirator Turns 85, or the shorter version at Bruce Jackson on Pete Seeger.  I recommend the shorter version.  Or just read my quote from it, which is:

Maybe that’s Pete’s great gift to us: his ability to join a group of people who might not only be strangers to him but to one another as well and to leave them, however many hours later, with some feeling, some knowledge, that transcends the moment entirely, a feeling and knowledge about the things that bond rather than the things that rend, about what it means to be human rather than what it means to be brutal, about how we must and can get on together by conspiring in the best and most basic sense of that word: breathing together.

It's true. I have experienced it.  I have seen Pete Seeger live quite a few times, and each time, it gives me the feeling that I love everyone present, and that I want to go out and make the world a better place.  That's the power of  music and dance.  They may seem like frivolous, unnecessary activities, but humans living harmoniously together  is a pretty big deal, and not easily achieved.  

Loving everyone is a tall order

There are some people I just don't want to be around. Longwinded, pushy, loud people. People who put other people down. Bossy people who don't listen.

I grew up a Quaker. I always believed it was my job to see that of God in everyone. It's not only Quakers, it's a Christian idea to love everyone. But I'm not a Christian any more. Can I free myself of this pressure I put on myself to try to love every annoying person I meet?

Such a sentiment seems contrary to the post I wrote yesterday about the well-being that I wish for people and communities. On closer examination, maybe my antisocial impulses are not so contrary to my care for humans. Maybe I get upset with humans because they fail to live up to my ideals, and because I care so much about my ideals.

No, it's not that I'm upset with the other humans. What upsets me is my own inability to put my ideals into action.

I think people should be treated as flowers: people should be nurtured so that they can bloom. We each have our own way to bloom, and no one should try to make us in to a different type of flower than what we are. To do so violates the sacredness of the flower that is.

When I see someone being pushy and bossy, it is as if they are stepping on a flower. I want to stop them, but I don't know how. That is what upsets me, and that is why I hate being around humans.

The things is, I can't. I can't stop everyone in the world from trampling each other. As long as I have the feeling that I ought to, I'm going to feel frustrated. It does not mean I should stop trying to make things better. It just means that I have to recognize my scope.

Christianity tells us to work toward that world in which all are treated with love. Paganism tells us that the world is full of light and dark, good and evil, easy things and difficult things. Yes, we need to strive to fulfill our ideals, but we also have to live within the finite. Our bodies only have so much energy and health and patience. Same goes for every other person. Some who have been through a great deal of hurt may carry much bitterness. I am not a superhero. I cannot singlehandedly overcome all the world's hurts.

Does that mean I shouldn't even try? No, it is only when we take the view that we have to create that world full of love that it becomes hopeless. When we take the pagan, earthy view, we realize all we can do is do our best to make our little corner. When my house is a mess, I still can carve out a peaceful corner for an altar. When my life is full of stress, I can still carve out a peaceful corner of 15 minutes spent in meditation.

Where is my corner when it comes to the question of how do I want to dedicate my life to make a mark on the world? Some people dedicate themselves to teaching children. Some dedicate themselves to creating a community garden. Some dedicate themselves to making music that soothes the soul. What is it that I can offer? What is it that I want to create? I'm middle aged, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know, but I have some hints. I know that I value sustainable living and am interested in supporting community gardens, organic gardening, and renewable energy, but that at the same time, these are really never going to be my areas of expertise. I know that I have something to offer in human interaction, that I can be supportive of others, a good listener, and a facilitator. I know that I want to be part of a community that shares my values, and to contribute to nurturing that community. At the same time, as an introvert, I find being around people all the time tiring. I know that I like writing, compiling information, and working with databases.

Maybe I do know what I want to do. I want to dedicate myself to serving a community that shares my values, and I want to serve that community through a combination of interpersonal interaction (listening, facilitating) and some sort of work with information. I think the reason I feel so lost these past many years is because I do not currently have a community to which I wish to devote myself. The communities in which I find myself do not share my values. At this point, the advice-giver would inform me that he has brilliantly discovered the secret that has eluded me: that I simply need to join a community which shares my values. The problem is, that's not nearly so easy as it sounds.

The kind of world I want to build

I've studied psychology, social work, and education. I studied these fields because I want to promote the positive development of people and communities. I studied these fields, and it seemed to me, sometimes they lost sight of these larger goals, and focused more on how to do things in a particular paradigm. For example, psychology focuses on alleviating depression and anxiety through psychotherapy. Social work focuses on addressing poverty and child abuse through government bureaucracy. Education focuses on increasing learning through the use of classrooms, lectures, and grades.

These are the issues I wish to address, but are there not other ways to address these issues? I don't want to compartmentalize learning to schools, happiness to psychotherapy, or economic well-being to government bureaucracy. I want to build communities in which all people are treated as valued community members who have something to contribute. I want people to treat each other with respect, kindness, and integrity. I want people to continually grow in wisdom, knowledge, and compassion.

My favorite colleges are Marlboro College and College of the Atlantic because I believe that they are trying to build this type of community. I admire Quakers because they make cherishing others a way of life. This is the kind of world I want to build. This is where I want to put my time, energy, and money.

A liberal with strong moral beliefs

In late December and early January, I quit several email lists. The main reason was because I didn't like all the contentiousness. But then, a month ago, I was once again pulled into to that debating on the internet. A conservative Christian was decrying the "liberal/secular" attitude, and moral relativism. This is what I said in response:

I do not "buy into a relative morality" nor is "the secular/liberal ideal throws up its hands and gives up" an accurate description of my beliefs. I have high ideals and strong moral beliefs. The Christianity that I was raised in was based on the principle of "that of God in everyone." I believe that to discriminate against people based on sexual orientation, gender identity, or being polyamorous is immoral. You dismiss the article I posted as "irrelevant" and an "attempt to demonize." It may be irrelevant to you, but it is not irrelevant to me. Not everyone who condemns people based on the gender or number of partners puts a gun to someone's head, but to me, condemning people for the gender or number of their partners is immoral, and I am not a moral relativist, therefore, I voice my objection.

Occupy Wall Street and participatory decision-making

Yesterday on Morning Edition, there was a story called Occupy Wall Street: Where Everybody Has a Say in Everything. It described the decisionmaking process of the Occupy Wall Street movement. There are working groups for the various areas that need to be worked on, and those groups decide how to organize themselves. Every evening, there's a general assembly where everyone meets to discuss things. Anyone who wants to speak takes a turn speaking. They have no megaphones or sound system, so the way they carry the sound is that the crowd repeats each thing the speaker says, so that all can hear. When people are done speaking, they vote by waving their hands.

I want to be part of a community based on participatory decision-making. This is fundamental to my values. This is a very Quaker thing. Quakers believe that there is that of God in everyone. They allow everyone a chance to speak. Decisions are made by the community, by consensus.

Yesterday evening on Marketplace, I heard the story Movement on the March. They found an expert on social movements who declared that "the movement has to find leaders, create a structure and identify villains." It seems to me that is a very establishment point of view. The establishment says things have to be a certain way. A movement is something that shows they don't have to be that way.

I want to live in a world where you don't need leaders, structure, and villains. I want to live in a world where we all work together to make this better.

This is my ideal. In practice, I know it can result in a lot of disagreement and indecision. In practice, I don't think I really like to be haggling with people all the time about how things should be. But in spite of those practical concerns, I think this ideal is my fundamental value.

This is what I want to do with my life, to be part of a community that show its respect for all its members by including them in decision-making. Every time I go to my job, I put myself into a community that violates this value. I have applied to jobs at places that are consistent with this value. They have not wanted me. So, until one of those communities wants me, I am stuck here. What can I do where I am?

You can't turn an apple into an elephant, so you may as well not die trying. I am not going to overhaul the entire culture where I work. But in my corner, I can live according to my values. I can treat the people around me with respect, and ask them for their input. When I notice people who are a positive force, I can lend my support to them. And I can get involved with others who do share my values outside of work -- the Quaker Meeting, and the Transition group.

That's the ambitious version. But there's another factor. There's the reality that I'm tired, sick, and antisocial. Sure probably a bit of that comes from the fact that the negativity of my situation drains my vitality, so it would be alleviated as I did more positive things. But it wouldn't be alleviated that much. Tired, sick and antisocial are a reality of who I am. For years, I have been coming up with ambitious plans about what I want to do with my life, but the plans ignore this reality. As a result, the plans don't get carried out. So yes, I can seek ways to live out my values. It's something to remind myself of as I go through each day. But I also have to remember what is actually realistic.

Cooking

After what I wrote yesterday about consumption vs. making things myself, especially with regard to cooking, it was interesting to read James Beard's introduction to The Fannie Farmer Cookbook:

The decades following Miss Farmer's death in 1915 were not a particularly distinguished  period in American cooking.  Perhaps it was because the average American woman suddenly found herself with no help at all and, instead of wanting to learn cooking, she was interested in liberating herself from the kitchen.  Perhaps Prohibition had its depressing influence.  Whatever the reason, for a long time, the emphasis was on oversimplification, shortcut methods, bastardization of traditional recipes and, as more convenience foods came on the market, there was more reliance on them.  The magazines were full of casseroles covered with a condensed soup or packaged sauce and ersatz products like flavored salts dulled the palate.  It seemed that the spirit and influence of that great woman was drowned in a sea of jellied salad.

One thing that strikes me about that is that James Beard's idea of too much reliance on shortcut measures is still more elaborate cooking than I want to do.  If I cooked according to his idea of shortcut methods, I would feel I was doing my own cooking and did not have to feel guilty.  Which goes to show how much such views of how much to rely on convenience is a result of the time and the culture.

I think for my own life, I should not feel guilty for not being a more elaborate cook.  Compared to many people around me, I buy less.  I re-use more.  I bring my own lunches to work, sandwiches made at home.  But it's not about comparing myself to other people.  There is a part of me that values reducing consumption.  I need to explore that part of me, and make my own choices about what I actually want to do.  Maybe I never will get into cooking, but maybe I'll find other ways to put that value into practice.

Right now I'm happy to have just had a simple lunch made at home, consisting of salad, tofu, and bread with hummus.  The salad ingredients and bread were from the farmer's market.  The tofu and hummus were organic.

Sometimes though, I feel I don't have the time or energy to prepare food.  That's okay.  It's up to me to decide how I want to allocate my finite time and energy. I don't seem to be entirely happy with my allocations now, so it's something to think about.  However, I will never be entirely happy with my allocations, because the amount I want to do always exceeds the available time and energy, so I will always be frustrated about the things I'm not doing.

Consumption vs. making your own

Specialization of work makes us more efficient and productive, and yet, it can be taken too far if we pay for someone to do every personal chore.  There seem to be certain cultural attitudes, and certain ideas which I've internalized, about what is okay to buy and what I should do for myself.

I have no expectation that I should spin my own yarn, weave my own fabric, sew my own clothes, wash my clothes by hand, grow all my own food, make my own flour, bake my own bread, make my own dishes and silverware, or build my own house.  However, I feel that people should not hire housekeepers or cooks (although exceptions may be made in the case of disability).   I feel that I should cook my own meals.  It doesn't have to be fancy -- it can be frozen vegetables, canned beans, and rice.   I feel I should avoid eating prepared foods such as frozen dinners or something from a restaurant on a regular basis, although prepared foods are okay when sick or unusually busy, and a restaurant is okay when going out with people for a special occasion.  I don't have kids so I don't have to decide about that, but it seems that people who put kids in day care are frowned upon, while it is expected that kids will be put in school.

These rules in my head are arbitrary and arise from my cultural circumstance.  I can choose to make new goals for myself.  I don't yet know what those would be.  In a way, I want a life that is based more on making things than on consumerism.  But on the other hand, I don't like cooking.  I often eat prepared foods or buy food at coffee shops, but then I feel guilty about it.  So I want to relax my rules so I don't have to feel guilty about not cooking.

Maybe I can find a way that suits me.  Maybe I can relax the rules about cooking while putting more time into making things that I actually like making.

Do I like making anything? It seems I mostly like reading, writing, music, and movement, rather than working with physical objects.

Figuring all this out will be part of my druid journey.

So many people annoy me

It bothers me that I find so many people annoying. I am supposed to see good in everyone.

There are a few things that are sort of excuses, reasons why I tell myself it's not so bad that I find so many people annoying:

1. If I were surrounded by people I love, in good health, and felt I was making a meaningful contribution to the world, I probably wouldn't mind so much that people exist who aren't what I prefer. The reason certain people bother me is not because it bothers me that people with such traits exist, but because there is such an absence of people who can provide me the the kind of support, appreciation, and challenge which I would thrive on.
2. I'm consistent. I continue to like the people I like. The people who annoy me for a certain reason continue to annoy me for that reason each time I see them. I guess this is reassuring to me because I have this fear that eventually I will dislike everyone. The consistency tells me that it's not a matter of disliking everyone, but that there are certain traits which consistently bother me. Of course, it would be more virtuous of me if I wasn't consistent, in the sense that I learned to not be annoyed by the people who currently annoy me.
   
3. Maybe I just have to respect everyone's right to exist, but can still be selective about the company I choose.

The thing is, I don't entirely believe these excuses. I'm supposed to appreciate people, not be annoyed by them.

Mission in life

Sometimes I think that my mission in life is supposed to be:

1. To shine a light on people's strengths. I think that sometimes people express their negative qualities out of unhappiness, feeling threatened, lack of confidence, etc. When people are shown their positive qualities, then they are more likely to act on those qualities.
   
2. To spread harmonious feeling. If you are driving your car and another driver honks at you angrily, that makes you feel angry, and makes you more likely to behave angrily toward others. My goal is to do the opposite, to be nice to people so that they are more likely to be nice to others.
3. To knit people together in harmonious relations. This is similar to #2, but the emphasis here is on strengthening the bonds between people.
   

Blurb from Still Point

I found the following on the web site of the Still Point Retreat Center:

Tim Thomas, played by actor Will Smith in the movie Seven Pounds, is a grief-stricken, guilt-driven young man who is unable to forgive himself for his part in the death of 7 innocent people, one of whom was his beloved wife. Tim decides to atone for what to him is an insurmountable burden of sorrow and guilt. He looks for 7 people whose lives will be radically changed for the better by giving parts of himself to them. It is imperative to Tim, however, that these recipients be truly deserving of his precious gifts. We also give bits of ourselves away. All too often we don’t really notice the quality of the people to whom we give because we don’t really know our own worth. Like Tim, we feel that we are less, that we deserve less and so, we settle for less. Each of us is unique and incredibly beautiful deep within. Imagine if we valued ourselves and gave of ourselves knowing the precious gifts that we are! The suffering brought on by settling for less would end. We would begin to draw on inner strength and wisdom in navigating relationships that are mutually enriching and beneficial. Guilt and grief, self-doubt and loathing are difficult feelings to ‘be’ with. Yet we can learn to be OK with ourselves just as we are and release the images of who and what we ‘should’ be that often drive us. We can learn to value ourselves and release judgment. Unlike Tim, let’s opt for life-affirming actions beginning with forgiving and honoring ourselves in all our uniqueness and humanness. We are incredible gifts to the world! Let’s hope we each come to realize our true beauty and worth and enter relationships with that awareness. There are only winners in such a scenario.

Are they implying that we too should only share our gifts with people who are worthy? The idea resonates with me. I feel that I have not been discerning enough in the past about to whom I offer friendship. And yet it is also not consistent with my values, the values I saw expressed in Blood Brothers, the values that say we must love everyone.

This has long been a dilemma for me. I believe in the Quaker principle of that of God in everyone, and yet some people seem to me to be much higher quality people than others. There are some people I look to as role models, and some I definitely would not consider role models, except maybe as a model of what not to be.

The quote resonates with me both because of the idea of discerning quality in other people, and because of the idea of coming to see how precious one's own gifts are. At this time of my life, I feel I'm in a sort of limbo -- I am impaired by lack of health, I don't like my job, I don't live near my family. This situation has made me feel disconnected from my sense of the value of what I have to offer.

Favorite Charities, Take Two

In May 2007, I wrote a blog entry about my favorite charities, but there were too many of them, so I'm going to try to narrow it down. The origin of the thought was hearing about requests to donate to a charity "in lieu of flowers" in honor of dead people, and trying to figure out what charities I would want people to donate to for me. But it's really about more than that. It's about getting to what values are most important to me, because once I identify that, I can think that about how to live my life in service to those values.

I favor trying to grow the good things rather than trying to tear down the bad things. The values that are most important to me seem to fall into two general categories:

1. Community. I aspire to be a person who knits people together and spreads harmonious feelings. I like groups/institutions that emphasize integrity, community, egalitarianism, and participatory decision-making. I have experienced this type of community at Haverford and at Clearwater. Other places that probably also have this type of community are Marlboro College, College of the Atlantic, Waldorf schools (Hawthorne Valley School appeals to me), Sudbury schools, and Quaker schools. One thing about these schools and about Clearwater is that people can be a part of the community and then take the values they learned from it out into the rest of the world.
   
   Folk music can be used to inspire a sense of community. Pete Seeger has a gift for this. I also admire the way his grandson, Tao Rodriguez Seeger, shines a light on other people.
   
   I like libraries, because they try to give everyone equal access to information.
   
   People are diverse. It's natural to seek the company of people who share one's culture and values. I don't expect that all people will be comfortable in all groups. But we should respect and grant rights to all people. Morality should not be judged based on theology, wealth, or the number and gender of one's sexual partners. Instead, the measure of morality should have to do with whether we treat other people with respect, compassion, and integrity.
   
   HomoRadio is a radio show which enlightens people about gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people.
   
   Oliver's Naturals is a restuarant which knits people together and spreads harmonious feeling. It also promotes organic, locally grown food, which brings me to my next item:


2. Sustainability. I like small business, organic foods, farmer's markets, food co-ops, simple living, and solar power. Many times supporting these things also includes supporting community. For example, I connect with local people when I go to the farmer's market or community garden.

Based on the above, my list of favorite charities/institutions includes:

• Haverford College (especially Quaker Student Scholarship Fund)
• Clearwater (especially funding for low income people to attend the festival)
• Your local public library
• HomoRadio
• Oliver's Naturals
• Fedco
  
• Capital District Community Gardens
• Troy Farmer's Market

Flyover

Yet another example of how I'm culturally out of step with the people around me. I just don't see having a flyover by military aircraft as an exciting way to mark a big, celebratory occasion. To me it's just a reminder of how humans voluntarily bring death and destruction upon each other, not just as a few individual psychopaths, but on a mass scale, organized by respected governments. And they take my money to pay for it.

Letter to Clearwater

Here is a copy of a message I sent to Clearwater today, inspired by my experience volunteering at the Clearwater festival a few weeks ago, as well as previous experiences:

I first met Clearwater around 1989 when I spent a week on the boat as a volunteer crew member. What struck me then was Clearwater's welcoming attitude. At the time, I was also involved with another organization which was trying to do good things in the world. However, the attitude of that organization toward its supporters and potential supporters seemed to be, "We want your money, but we don't want you to get involved because our work is so important that we can't afford to have amateurs like you messing it up." It was so refreshing to see how Clearwater welcomed people. I especially remember that when we docked, we'd invite anyone who was on the dock at the time onto the boat for a tour.

After that experience on the boat, I dropped out of touch with Clearwater for about 15 years. I had been drawn in 1989 by an interest in boats. I was drawn again 15 years later by folk music. I had been volunteering at folk concerts for a few years and I felt the next step would be to volunteer at a festival. I read on the internet about all the festivals in my region and decided Clearwater was the one for me. Not only did it have music, it also had a soul, a larger purpose. Moreover, I still liked boats.

I've volunteered at the festival four times now, and have felt the same open, welcoming attitude that I noticed when I first crewed on the boat. Clearwater actively tries to draw in people of different ages, races, and abilities. I volunteered alongside a 13-year-old this year. Too often, people that age are told they are too young to be useful, but Clearwater welcomed her contributions.

There are performers of different cultures, races, and musical styles. There is music I don't like, and that's good because it means there's a place for people whose musical tastes are different from mine.

Sometimes I feel that organizations which embrace diversity don't want me. I'm white, heterosexual, able-bodied, and not young enough to count as youth. Because I'm less experienced than the baby boomers, but don't help with diversity, I feel some organizations don't want me. However, I feel that Clearwater welcomes everyone, including people like me.

At this year's revival, Magpie sang, "Give light, and the people will find the way." That captures what Clearwater is about. It's not an elite group that thinks the masses are too ignorant to do anything of value. Instead it's a group that gives light to the masses, because it believes in our ability to find the way.

My people

I come from a family of New Englanders, Quakers, rural people, hippies, vegetarians, farmers, organic gardeners, and educators. Some have been activists. We are more concerned with the well-being of the world (including humans, animals, and the environment) than with the glory of our country. We value thriftiness and integrity. We wear things out thoroughly before discarding them, which can mean things like driving cars with non-functioning gas gauges, eating off chipped plates, and wearing clothes with holes in them. We live according to our values and could be role models for those who observe and appreciate, but we don't bring attention to ourselves. We assume other people are living according to their own needs, abilities, and preferences, so we don't tell them they ought to live differently. We take what life brings us and make the best of it more than we fight the people who don't behave as we would wish them to. We avoid wealth and prestige. We seldom know what the latest fashions are. We are more troubled by pushy people than by taciturn people. In fact, we tend to be taciturn ourselves. We like to read. We are not good at singing, but we like to do it anyhow. We are not particularly handy with things like carpentry and machinery. We think that people who aspire to be investment bankers or soldiers are weirder than people who are imprisoned for their activism or people who choose to live without plumbing. We are rugged, outdoor people, but sometimes our ruggedness is tempered by illness. We are proud to be out of step with the mainstream.

Haverford College

I recently attended my college reunion at Haverford College. That got me thinking about what Haverford means to me.

1. The things I thought in high school when I was applying to colleges are pretty much still true.
   • I was a Quaker, so I liked the fact that that Haverford was founded by Quakers and maintained a Quaker identity.
   • I liked the fact that they did not have a football team or fraternities and sororites.
   • My interview at Haverford was memorable because the interviewer asked so many thought-provoking questions that I was still thinking about them for days afterwards. My classes at Haverford were not all as thought-provoking as that interview, but there were intellectually stimulating moments. I think what I generally found more intellectually stimulating than my classes was talking about my classes with my friends. In particular, I talked to Kevin about sociology and to Tom about history.
   • What impressed me about the campus tour was the humble, humorous attitude of the student leading the tour. I remember that the tour guide was good naturedly making fun of Haverford by saying we don't have a football team but we have a cricket team. At my reunion, 25 years after my campus tour, I still found Haverford to be humble and humorous.
   • My feeling was that I liked Haverford in all respects except location. I wanted to be in New England. I thought Williams College had a good location. I still feel that I belong in New England, somewhere north of Connecticut.
2. Haverford values peace, justice, equality, community, treating people with respect, and listening to others. A typical article in the alumni magazine might be about an alumnus working at health clinics in Africa. I share Haverford's values, and it really means something to me to be from a college that shares my values, even though the things people do in the alumni magazine aren't my path.
3. My experience at Haverford was an experience of being part of an open and welcoming community. If I wanted to be among friends, all I had to do was step out to a public area, and people would start talking to me. Even with people I did not know, there was a sense of community and common culture, and it was normal to talk to strangers. I was part of a large circle of friends and had a handful of close friends. After feeling like a misfit without social skills in high school, suddenly I was a normal person with plenty of friends. I felt like I belonged at Haverford. Haverford was my home and my community. I still feel that way. I refer to the Haverford community as "us," and I feel a sense of connection to others who went to Haverford.
4. In a class of about 310 students, a college of about 1200 students, and a bi-college community of about 3,000 students, my circle of friends had maybe thirty people in it. Who were the rest of the people? My sense is that they were not my type. They were from rich families and planning to go on to be rich grownups. They became investment bankers, lawyers, and doctors. But how can it be that I had such a strong sense of community if the majority of people there were so different from me? Were the other people closer to my values than I thought? Or was the identity of Haverford something separate from the individuals who were there? Certainly I think that people joining the Peace Corps is part of the identity of Haverford and that means something in my sense of what college I come from, even though it's not really what my friends or I are about. (I tend to be drawn to geek types rather than activist or Peace Corps types.) Could that also be the case for those who were not in my circle of friends? That even though they didn't fit the mold of what Haverford was about, it meant something to them and was part of who they are?
5. I don't like the way the rich kids' attitude rubbed off on me. The attitude seemed to be "We are at one of the best schools in the country, so we must be smart. We should have fulfilling careers. Being a housewife or farmer is too boring for us." I sometimes feel that my ambitions are supposed to be more ambitious than they are.

I still feel as I did in high school: I like Haverford's values, humility, humor, and sense of community. However, I also feel more at home in New England, and in a more rustic environment (such as Marlboro College).

Restaurant review: Oliver's Naturals

I prefer independently owned restaurants over chains to the extent that I don't even go to chain restaurants. As much as independently owned restaurants are a notch above chains, Oliver's Naturals is a notch above other independently owned restaurants. Of course the food is good, and on their one-page menu, I can find over a dozen appealing options, while at other restaurants with six-page menus, I may find only two edible items and no appealing items. That's because I'm a vegetarian, and non-vegetarian restaurants can't seem to think of much to serve vegetarians other than pasta and salad.

But what I like most about Oliver's is not the food but the atmosphere. Adam is the waiter, cashier, chef, and owner. He's helped out by his mom, Diana. When you enter, they greet you warmly. The cooking area is right there, behind the counter, so as they cook, they may ask you questions about how you want your food. The seating area is small, and a busy time seems to be any time there are more than about 4 customers in the restaurant at a time. The other day when I was there, there was a party of 8, and Adam told me, "I've never had so many people in one party before." The smallness means the customers can all talk to each other, as well as to Diana and Adam. One day, a customer was on the cell phone talking to a friend, saying something along the lines of, "I'm at Oliver's Naturals. You should come join us." She said to Adam, "Want to talk to her?" and passed him the phone. At most restaurants, it is not typical for the owner to get on a customer's cell phone to talk with a customer's friend. This was a first-time customer, but she had already caught the atmosphere of the place enough that if felt natural to her to offer Adam the phone.

Too many restaurants have gone out of business, so I hope that Oliver's gets plenty of customers so they can stay open for a long time to come. On the other hand, the smallness is what makes it such a great restaurant, so I want it to stay small.

Quiet way

One of my gifts is the ability to match, to find for people just the information, opportunity, or person that fulfills their need. I do this for people all the time. I do it for my job and in my free time. Recently I was feeling bad because someone was showing gratitude for the destination to which I matched them, but seemed to have no thought to the fact that I was the one who got them there. That's why it resonated with me when I was reminded of something that my grandmother wrote in in 1939: "Annice Carter will keep everyone happy in such a quiet way that no one will know who is doing it." My grandmother could see Annice's gift. My grandmother also saw it when a relative was having a problem. She shared a few carefully chosen words with the right person in order to get the problem attended to. She is not the one attending to the problem, but she is the one who set things in motion. My grandmother's gift is to see, to connect, to facilitate, to appreciate. That's my gift to0. It's a gift that doesn't get as much recognition as some others, such as adventurousness, risk-taking, and charisma, but it's a gift that contributes something to the world.