Saturday, October 3, 2015


People might expect that I would identify with empathic types like Deanna Troi, or with brainy bookworms like Hermione Granger, but I don't identify with them at all.  I identify with warrior types, like Xena.  It seems silly because I'm a pacifist.  It seems silly because I'm a clumsy, fat,  middle aged person with chronic fatigue and chronic cough.  But I don't have to turn away from it.  I can embrace the fact I feel within me a courage and idealism that I see in warrior types.  I can embrace life and fight for my cause, just as the warrior heroines do. 

Friday, October 2, 2015


Humans get so worked up.  I guess they don't know how to solve violence, poverty, and racism, so they get all worked up over little things, things it's easy to have an opinion on. 

It wears me, seeing the way humans lash at each other in the media, whether it's politicians making statements, or ordinary people conversing over the internet.

And it wears me, being around humans.  In person, they are not so cruel as they are in the media, but still, they are so earnest and fervent about silly stuff. 

At last I go home.  It's the weekend.  I do have to go out Sunday, but I can spend Friday evening and all day Saturday here in my refuge, my place of quiet peace.  I can curl up with a blanket and a book.  I can listen to beautiful music and sip hot beverages. 

Sunday, September 27, 2015

September is for stargazing

I don't often spend much time stargazing.  Winter is too cold for standing around outside.  In summer, by the time it gets dark, it's bed-time. But in September, it's both warm and dark, so one can stick around and look.  The sunset, the stars, the crickets, the trees -- I love sitting out on my balcony in the evening.  It's one of the best things about my life here. 

Another nice thing is weekend mornings drinking coffee and reading by a sunny window.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


I'm so tired.  I feel like my bones are made of crumbs.  I did nothing today.  This is not how I wanted to spend my life.


I wrote a paper once on self-efficacy, did a literature review.  Bottom line is, if you believe you can do something, you're more likely to succeed, because you keep trying in the face of frustration.

When I told someone that I am disheartened by jobhunting, he lectured me on how I must be using incorrect  jobhunting tactics, and how I did not understand how jobhunting works.  He actually had no understanding of my jobhunting experiences, he just assumed I must be dumb and in need of enlightenment from his mighty self.

You know what, explaining to me that I deserve those rejections because I did everything wrong, that is not cool.  That is not something I need in my life.  I deserve better.  I deserve friends who support me.  People who put my down are not friends. 

Friday, September 25, 2015


I share myself with you because I trust you with respect.  I don't share myself with those who don't treat me with respect.

Respect does not mean you have to agree with me.  It does not mean you have to like everything I like.  You can think my ideas are strange.  But you have to believe that who I am comes from intelligence, wisdom, kindness and integrity, rather than from stupidity and cruelty.  When you don't understand, give me the benefit of the doubt, that I might possibly have good reason for my point of view.

And respect is what I give to you.  I don't like all the things you like.  I don't agree with you about everything.  But I  like who you are.  I see who you are as being fundamentally good.

You told me about the things you were interested in.  It's not what I'm interested in, but it never occurred to me to reacted negatively.  I liked that you were telling me what you were interested in.

I told you about what I was interested in, and you lectured me on how stupid and pointless it was.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Recovering from rejection

Something came up in my facebook news feed.  I don't know the person who wrote it, but one of my Facebook friends liked it, so it came up in my feed.  It says:
12 years ago today, Alison made me the happiest man on earth. As my friends can attest I knew she was the one for me 2 weeks after we started dating. After 12 years of marriage and 2 amazing kids, I can say that asking Alison to marry me is still the best decision I have ever made.
 On one hand, I read it and I think that no one ever said that about me.  I was never the one someone wanted.  I'm the one from whom men flee.

For a few moments I feel sad.   Then I hear Pete Seeger singing, "I feel, I feel, I feel like a morning star," and I feel happiness.  I see the rich life around me.  I see the friendships that survived conflicts and have lasted for years.  I see the life I have made.  I do a radio show that people enjoy.  My work makes a real difference in the community organization I belong to. 

There are people who treat me as a treasure, and in return, I treasure them. 

The person who saw me full of shortcomings has gone away.  It's just as well.