Saturday, June 30, 2012

Loving life, facing unpleasantness

When I'm at my job, my soul is dead.  But as soon as I step out of the office, life is filled with beauty.  I step out of the office in the middle of the day for lunch hour.  I lie back in the grass on the hillside.  I slip off my sandals and feel the grass beneath my feet.  I gaze up at the leaves of the sycamore maple.  I see a woodchuck scurrying in the field, and a hawk soaring in the sky.

When I'm home evenings and weekends, I sit on my balcony.  I see the cottonwood leaves fluttering in the breeze.  I feel the breeze caress my skin.  I hear the robins, crows, grackles, and squirrels.  Below, I see the rabbits dining on clover.

I wake up Saturday mornings and lie in bed listening to the radio, enjoying the clever, silly humor I hear on "Car Talk," and "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me."

I love staring into space, daydreaming.  Thoughts form in my head, and in time, they are ready to be born, so I go to my computer and write emails and blogs. I love giving words to my thoughts, expressing myself.

I love putting on a CD and dancing around the living room, my body giving expression to the music.

I love structured dancing too, going to Morris dance practice, trying to hold the patterns in my head, coordinating my moves with other dancers, banging sticks together, becoming a community.

I love going out on nature walks, being fascinated by the trees, seeing herons, hearing frogs.

I love rollerblading, feeling the strength of my body as I move.

I love my life.  Why turn away from all these things that I love, and think of anything unpleasant?

When I'm at my job, my soul is dead.  But as soon as I step out of the office, life is filled with beauty. As soon as I step out of my office, I forget about my job.  The people who know me know that I don't like my job, but they don't really know much about what it's like.  I don't talk about it, because when I'm not there, it's gone from my mind.

But always I have to go back.  I deny the unpleasant reality, but it never goes away.  And so I must  face it.  I must take time away from writing blogs and watching the cottonwood leaves flutter to figure out what to do.

But not now, okay? There's still another topic I want to write about in my blog.  Later.  I'll worry about unpleasantness later.

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