For the past few weeks, it has seemed that I have a very limited amount of productivity. I'll do useful stuff for a while, and then my productivity will be all used up and I can do no more.
There's a lot of stuff that hasn't been getting done. It's not that I don't have enough time. It's not that I'm procrastinating. It's that I don't have enough productivity.
There are a lot of things I can still do when I'm out of productivity: listen to music, listen to NPR, look at trees, look at the sky, chat with friends and family, write about my thoughts and feelings in blogs and emails, read fiction, watch DVDs, go for a walk, and dance. If I knew how, I could play a musical instrument, sing, and draw too.
Over the past several weeks, the amount of productivity I've had has been what it takes to do maybe 75% of my job. So, I give what I can to my job, and then I'm unproductive the rest of the time at my job, and unproductive at home.
For the past week, I have been sick, and on many days, my productivity has plummeted to zero. Most of the past week has been spent sleeping, reading fiction, and watching DVDs.
Yesterday though, I was feeling a little healthier, and I had a few hours of productivity in me. I was feeling very weak, but I was up to engaging in a few low key chores and projects at home.
And I was happy.
When I was out of productivity the past few weeks, I was writing things in my blog like "sometimes I ache," "there's a hole in my life," "am I unworthy of love," and "that is what I long for, to feel as if I belong to this earth." But yesterday when I had the strength for productivity, I lost all that. I lost that aching feeling, that feeling of unworthiness. I was creating things, I was putting things in order, and that made me feel whole.
When I'm depressed, I know that's what I need. When I'm depressed, I do think that I would feel better if I could be engaged in something larger than myself. I know that it's what I need, but I can't do it because I'm out of productivity.
It all comes down to being tired and/or sick. What that means is that I need to do a better job at pacing myself, at getting enough sleep, at allocating time to rest or relax.
I still can't figure it out though, because that means I have to cut activities, and there is nothing I am willing to cut.