Sunday, January 20, 2013

Wrapping myself in green

Depression has not fully gripped me since January 5, but there have been moments when there have been twinges.

Yesterday was one such time.  The feelings were thus:

"No one cares about me.  Everyone has something more important to do than spend time with me. If I organize a fun activity, people will show up, but it's like I have to come up with an exciting activity in order to entice people to spend time with me.  No one wants to spend time with me just for the sake of it.  I go out to events and meet people, and I like some of the people I meet, and I hope that some day some of them will like me, but I don't know if they ever will.  I do activities, and people think I'm cool because of some of the activities I do, but that's not me.  If I stop doing the activities, people won't like me any more.  I don't want to have to earn people's liking like that."

I was listening to a playlist I had put together.  "Green" by Peter Mayer came up.  It's about how even in winter, there is green.  It talks of how in winter, we still have evergreens, and ends by saying
Winter brings browns and grays indeed
But when it comes, remember green
And so, in my meditation, I wrapped myself in green.   I realized I don't have to do everything.  When I feel lonely, I tend to want to go out and do social activities, but often the loneliness comes from fatigue, so that's not always the remedy.  Instead of trying to turn myself into a social butterfly, someone people like because I do so many interesting and fun activities, maybe it's better to ground myself.  To do something for myself.  To stay home, read, savor some tea, listen to music, and find my inner peace.

Thus, when I find my heart feels dark like winter, I find the green things in my life, the things that bring me comfort, and I wrap myself in them.

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