Monday, December 3, 2012

Contentment is enough

Between vacation and holidays, I will go for 8 weeks without working a five day week.  This is the start of the 4th of the 8 weeks.

I think I'm starting to get a grip on myself.  Not on doing things, but on myself.  I still have way more things to do than I can handle, and I still have things falling through the cracks.  But before, I was so often getting tired and depressed.  The way that I'm getting a grip on myself now is that I'm not getting too worn out, and therefore, I'm not getting too depressed.

I am content.  I had a wonderful weekend.  I was doing fun things with people I like.

In general, in my life overall, I am not lonely.  That is, I feel lonely when I'm tired or sick, but that's only because I'm tired and sick.  There are a range of people in my life.  I would not want to move to a different place, because there are so many good things going on here, and so many good people.

I'm doing some things that I'm really interested in pursuing.  I have ideas about how to learn more.

I like my apartment. I like the town I live in.

So life is rolling forward.  As long as I'm not at my job, I am happy.  But not so often joyous.  There are people I talk to freely.  There are people I really like.  There are people who will be there for me when I need them.  There are people who value what I have to offer.

But there aren't people to play with.  There aren't people to laugh with.  I just don't have anyone in my life with whom I can connect in that way.

When I go out in the world, when I talk to humans, it's like there's this layer between me and the world.  I can talk, and tell them what's in my head.  It's like I'm here and they're there, and I'm reporting on what is happening here, while they report on what is happening there.

I remember times when it was different.  I remember times when I truly connected with other people.  Times when all of us occupied the same "here."

It was a most joyous thing.  I don't exactly miss it though.  Connecting with people like that is a fleeting thing.  Anyone who has experienced it is blessed.  I am blessed, for all the years I had people in my life like that.  Maybe it will come again some day.  It would be lovely if it did.  But it's not something to strive for or long for.  Because I am here in the now, and the now is beautiful.

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