Friday, December 21, 2012


Solstice.  Before the light comes, we must feel the dark.

Vacation.  Don't have to go to my office.  A few days at home before I leave to visit my family.  There is so much to get done before I leave to visit my family.  So, a few days to work hard on doing that.  Then when I leave, I can relax.  I'll be away from it all.

No.  Now is the moment to relax.

My breath is shallow with anxiety.  My bones are heavy with fatigue. Now is the moment to relax.

Now is the moment for solstice.  To let the darkness fill me, because it is only after the darkness fills me that I'll find the way to the light.

Last weekend I filled with songs of hope.  Songs of light from darkness, warmth from cold.

It was too soon for that.

First I must know the darkness.

I'm tired of pretending it's okay.  I'm tired of pretending I can do it.

I listen to Darkling and the Jubilee.  It's what I always listen to when it's time to give way to the darkness.

Today is mine.  Today is not for chores.  Today is not for accomplishments.  Today is for indulgence.

I've gotten hardly any Christmas presents.  It's not that I'm obliged to give Christmas presents. It's that I want to.  I want to.  There are many things I want to do.  I have to let go.  I just can't do everything I want to do.

My life is not what I want it to be.  I can't make it what I want it to be.

I don't trust myself.  I think that if I ever stop working, it will all fall apart even more than it already is.

Time to let go.

Sometimes gifts come.  Sometimes something good happens when I didn't even work for it.

People view me as an encyclopedia, not as someone who is fun to hang out with.  That's because I act like an encyclopedia.  It's my fault.

I can't be the life of the party.  I'd be popular if I could.  But I can't.

I'm sorry for trying to organize your life. I know you can take care of yourself.

Yesterday I wrote an email that said, "I just need to finish my work at my job, finish my work to go on my holiday travels, and then leave and have a good time. But right now I feel like a pile of spaghetti....when I finally get home from work, I'm not going to immediately work hard on getting ready for travels. First I'm going to curl up in a ball."

Yesterday, I thought the curling up in a ball would take place in the evening after work, and that today I'd be ready to get back to doing things.  But today, the curling up in a ball goes on.   I think it's good for me, to let go once in a while.  To let go of trying to make my life be okay.  To be sad that it's not okay.

I give in to darkness for a time, and then I find the strength to walk back into the light.

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