Yesterday was a good day. It made me so happy to have some free time. It wasn't exactly free because I was working on something that has to be ready by today, but it was my something, not for my job.
I haven't have free time in weeks. Last weekend, I was crippled by fatigue and depression, so I couldn't do much that I wanted to do. The weekend before, I went to my job. The weekend before that, I went on a trip. But finally, now I have a few days to putter around at home doing the things I want to be doing. Sure the trip a few weeks ago was something I wanted to do, but it's just not the same as being able to have time to myself at home. I really love having time to myself.
At times in my life when good companions are abundant, I need to take some time away from them. I need quiet time to read, write, and think. I feel suffocated without it.
It's true that when I'm depressed, I feel that being alone is a bad thing. But that is a symptom of my depression. I'm not myself when I'm depressed. When I'm myself, which is most of the time, I know that 1) Everyone needs a balance of time with others and time alone, 2) I seem to like more time alone than some people, 3) I have more than enough of people at my job, so I'm glad to get away from people in my free time, and 4) there are a few people I like who I wish wanted to spend more time with me.
I don't mind being alone. What I mind is when the people I want to be with push me away. What I mind is when they do fun things, things I'd love to do, and they don't invite me. What I mind is when I invite them to do something with me, and they don't want to do it. What I mind is that parents of small children seem to only want to spend time with other parents. You would think they would see that as a childless person, I have a pair of spare hands. You would think they would find it useful to hang out with someone who has a pair of spare hands, to either hold a kid, or do whatever they can't do while they are holding a kid. I love to dance, but when I took ballroom dance class, there were too many women. The men were supposed to ask different women each time, but I kept on being one of the leftovers, every time. I don't think it's fair that unpopular people don't get to dance.
So, I love being alone, but I hate being unwanted.