Making a cold cruel world

I've written about it before.  When I go downtown, it's quite common for me to be approached by people asking for something.  They want money, they want a ride, they want to use my cell phone, sometimes I don't know what they want because I don't give them a chance to tell me.  Sometimes I help them.  Sometimes I don't.  When I help them, I feel bad.  I feel like the story they told me was a lie, and I'm rewarding them for lying.  When I don't help them, I feel bad. I feel like I'm cruelly turning my back on someone in need, like I'm making this a cold world.

Today I turned my back on people twice.  It upset me.  Especially because it's a split section decision whether to stay and listen to the appeal and walk away, and sometimes in retrospect, I come to a different conclusion about which appeals to listen to.

What if I said yes to everyone? Why not just try it and see what happens? If it does not turn out well, then I'll know and I can choose not to do it any more.

It's not only the people on the street asking for something, the ones who look like unsavory characters.  I turn away from so-called upstanding people as well.  I don't like humans.  That is, I only like a small percentage of the people I've met.

My feelings here are the opposite of my beliefs.  I believe in treating all with love and respect.

But I just don't like humans.

I went to school to train to be a social worker.  But I couldn't do it.  I couldn't be a social worker.

It's a hard thing, to live in a way violates your beliefs, to do things that you feel are wrong.

It makes me want to escape.  It makes me want to dive into a novel, to escape my reality.

But a good druid examines her beliefs and makes choices about how she will live.

I went downtown and turned my back on those in need.  Then I came home and looked at my mail.  It was a bunch of advertisers, they all want me to shop at their store, eat at their restaurant.

They are cruel too, just like I'm cruel.  They are cruel because they are just trying to get money from me.

This is not the kind of world I want to live in.

How can I make the world I want to live in? By being kind to all, not just those who seem to share my values and culture, but the unsavory types downtown.  By buying from farmers and craftspeople who take care in their work instead of from big companies trying to squeeze money out of me anyway they can.  By not buying so much.  By sitting down and listening -- listening to the trees, listening to the stories people tell.

I can't do it.  I don't like humans.  I just want to stay in my house with my computer.