Last night I went for a sleep study. Same as last time, I slept poorly for the first half of the night, and ended up with about four hours total sleep. Same as last time, I tried to sleep more when I got home, but was unable to do so.
So I'm sleep deprived today. I'm sleep deprived most days. Is that why I usually feel irritable and overwhelmed?
Doctors, lawyers, mechanics, landlords, etc. I don't want to have to keep dealing with them. I don't like it that things don't work so then you have to ask someone to fix it. I don't like it that when you ask them to fix it, they can't just fix it. You have to keep going round and round with them.
Wouldn't be nice if someone just gave me what I asked for, without any hassles?
I looked at some things I wrote when I was a kid. It brought back to me unhappinesses I had forgotten. I'm close to my mother now, but reading about the past, I was angry with her for my childhood unhappiness. I suppose many people feel that way, blaming their parents for all the unhappinesses of childhood, expecting parents to have a superhuman ability. Maybe it's not fair, but on the other hand, I don't want to discount my feeling. Because in a way, that's the thing that bothers me, that sense of repressing my feelings for the good of my mother.
There's a song "Janie" by Alien Folklife. It's a very sad song. Luckily, my situation was not as bad as Janie's. But the song resonates with me. I have a sense of putting myself on hold in order to please others. Maybe it was parents and teachers when I was a kids. Maybe it went on to be others as I grew up. Maybe it's not because of anything about how my mother treated me. Maybe it's just who I am.
This morning and early afternoon, I escaped to fiction. That's what I do with most of my free time. Escape.
In late afternoon, I ventured forth to reality. I did my laundry. While my clothes were in the washing machine at the laundromat, I walked around the neighborhood. I walked for half an hour. It was good. It reminded me of who I am a bit
"Walk, Dance. Meditate. Do tai chi. Listen to what they say."
That was the inspiration that came to my mind as I walked. I have a long to do list. Things that are chores to do, but which make my life what I want it to be. For example, laundry. A chore to do, but I do prefer to wear clean clothes rather than dirty clothes. The insight from my walk reminded me don't just do that stuff, also do the stuff that nourishes my soul.
"Listen to what they say," means listen to the insights that these activities bring to me.
What did not come to me during the walk, but which I consider an addendum, is listen to music. When I'm far gone into depression, that's what can bring me back to stability.
I had a nice walk. I felt more like myself. But I'm still sleep deprived. I still feel like I just want to howl. I still feel like escaping my world.