What happened to me yesterday? It happens regularly. Not every week. Maybe a few times a month. It depends. Sometimes there are phases when it happens a lot, and sometimes phases when it doesn't happen for a while. It's getting hit with depression. I'm always trying to figure out how to prevent or alleviate such incidents, but I haven't really figured it out yet.
Usually it's on a Saturday when I have nothing scheduled. So I have some sense that I should keep busy, should fill my life with events, to prevent it from happening.
But, I also have a sense that it comes from fatigue, and that I need to rest. Partly it's physical fatigue. The other part is fatigue from a life of trying to live up to the demands of others. So I want rest, and I want to indulge in doing what I want, rather than what I'm supposed to do.
Yesterday I started out the day setting up a spreadsheet for tracking my expenses. So it started with productivity. But that was the extent of my productivity.
After having breakfast and getting dressed, I figured I would read nonfiction. Reading because I want to indulge in something that I wanted to do, that wasn't a chore. Nonfiction because I try to avoid fiction because I think it makes depression worse.
I took up one book, but was already near the end of it. I finished that one and sought another. I saw a number of unappealing books on the shelf. Then I chose Boldly Live as You've Never Lived Before. It's about how Star Trek characters are hero archetypes that can inspire you. I read a little bit, but what struck me was that I'd rather be inspired by Buffy characters. So, I went to watch Buffy DVDs.
I don't think it made me depressed. I was already depressed. Watching them left me the same or slightly better.
Today was fairly similar. I started off thinking I would be productive today. I had breakfast. Then I took a nap. I did a little ironing, and thought I'd get a lot done today. But somehow I ended up reading fiction.
I am indeed tired.
But I don't think that's all. I think there are things looming that I don't want to face. I think fiction is an escape.
If I didn't have anything looming, would I instead spend my time going for a walk, rather than escaping into fiction?
What if I decided reading fiction is how I want to spend my time? Instead of trying to resist it.