Facing fears

Today I was sick.

Life of dragging myself to work.  Life of dragging myself to chores.  Life of trying to avoid fiction.

Today, none of that.

Today, stayed home and indulged in fiction all day long.

I think it was good for me.

There are times when I push myself to do something I don't feel like doing and I feel better when I do it.  So usually I try to push myself.

That's always the problem, knowing when to push and when not to.

Today I went with the not to.

I finished off a novel I started yesterday.

Then I spent most of the day in Buffy.  Over the past few years, I've been re-watching from beginning to end.  Saturday I started season 7.  Today I did a lot more of season 7.

From "Bring on the Night"

I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell, and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me... I'm done waiting....From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts one by one.

What are my worst fears? Job interviews.  Phone calls.  Unemployment.  Having no one to help me.  We survive by depending on a combination of money and help from others.  Some rely more heavily on one than the other, but we all depend on both.  And I am afraid of not having them.  My job is going badly.  My family wants to be there for me, but I can't really see myself living with any of them if I became unable to pay rent.

But more than that terrifies me, what terrifies me are the things I have to do to get a new job.  I know deep in my soul that no one wants me, so it is torture to have to keep putting myself out there for rejection.