Head in the sand

Sometimes
The past few months,
The past few weeks,
Sometimes
I feel like something's bothering me

It didn't used to be like this.
I used to know.
I used to know what was in my heart, my mind.
If something bothered me
The thing that was bothering me was on my mind.

Now there's this feeling in the background
Something bothering me.
Even when my mind doesn't remember what it is.

When I think about it, usually I remember.

Never could I imagine
Before
In those days
I could  not see
How anyone could not know what was bothering them
How anyone could miss it
But now there it is

I used to be calm
I used to be perceptive
I used to be a deep thinker
I used to live a healthy life
Physically, emotionally

Now I know those things are not innate
If you stop doing them
Then you don't remain
Calm
Perceptive
Deep
Healthy

I walk through doing what I have to do
Then I go home and get lost on Facebook

Don't want to think of it
It's terrifying if I think of it
I can't live with my job
I can't live without my job
No one else wants to hire me
There's no way out of this mess

I wish this world had sabbatical
A way to have some space to find a way
But we can't stop
Can't stop running in the wheel
Because the only way out
Is to dive into unemployment and homelessness

I can't live like this
So escape
Read a book, watch a movie, play a computer game
Numb my soul