Tuesday: Ten or fifteen minutes or so talking with a friend I haven't seen in some time. It was so genuine. I spoke of my loneliness, and tears came to my eyes. None of the usual pretending I'm strong. Free of trying to be what I'm supposed to be. Free to be what I am.
Friday: Exhausted, as I usually am by the end of the week. That day at work there was yet another reminder of how horrid a certain person at work is. He forces people to jump through hoops. You do X, he tells you do Y. You do Y, he says, "That is worthless, I told you to do Z." I don't work directly with him, but it is my job to carry out his demands. I'm telling the better people who are directly above me that I can't do it any more. I hope they can help save me from him.
Saturday: Practiced music with a friend. Not a close friend, but someone I know and like. She was positive, supportive, pleasant to be around. Like Tuesday, it was a relief for it to be okay to be what I am.
A tickle in my mind: isn't there a song about that? The song I finally came up with was by Lui Collins, "Move to the now. You who have created it, move to the now. All the world awaits you."
Still had a feeling that there were other songs about it, but couldn't come up with any more.
The idea is, the thing that you need is right in front of you, all you have to do is step into it.
Is it? It sounds so easy. If it were so easy, I would think I would be there already.
I depend on my job for survival. I'm trying to find another way to survive, but until I do, I'm stuck with what I've got.
And the rest of it -- sometimes it seems like such a struggle to be friends with people I like, to distance myself from people I don't like, to get involved in the activities I want to get involved in.
What if I stopped struggling? What if I only did the things that welcomed me?
On Tuesday, my friend was struck by the commonalities between himself and two other people he knew I was close to. He said, "You always go for the flaky ones."
Somtimes it seems I have no interest in the normal people, and only like the people who are difficult to be close to.
It's so ingrained in our culture that if we just work hard enough, we can get whatever we want. It's overly ingrained in me. I need to keep reminding myself to stop struggling and just go with the flow.
But is that right? You don't get anywhere if you don't try. If I don't keep fighting, I'll never escape my job.
A song I've known pretty much all my life, because my parents liked it when I was little says, "few people get there quick by their chosen road. They don't know it's quicker to go by natural velocity."
Maybe there's a middle ground between fighting hard against the grain and giving up all fight. Maybe I can keep in mind what I want, but also take into account whether I'm on a path that demands great struggle or a path that flows easily. If I find myself encountering great resistance on the way I'm going, maybe it's time to stop for a bit and reconsider my route.
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