Sunday, November 18, 2012

Mercy Now

I'm trying to do too many things.  I get tired.  When I get tired, I get depressed.

Humans are like chickens, always pecking at me.  They tell me: You should get a new job. You should spend more time on looking for a job.  You should taking singing lessons.  You should take ukulele lessons.  You should exercise more.  You should eat more vegetables.  You should eat more meat.  You should take more vitamins.  You should work harder on learning your dancing.  You should not spent so much time preparing for your radio show.  You should play different songs on on your radio show.  That project you volunteered for, you can do it however you want, except the way you're doing it is wrong.  Here's another project you should volunteer for.  Don't worry so much.

Every now and then, a message comes through that is different.  Every now and then someone says: I'm glad to see you.  You're beautiful.  It's okay to be who you are.  It's okay to worry. It's okay to work hard.  It's okay to take a break.  It's a pleasure to be with you.  You make me smile.

These are the messages that are pointing the way, telling me which friendships I need to pay attention to nurturing.

But the best thing when all the chickens are pecking at me is to go home to the stillness and freedom of solitude.  No one to place demands on me.  I play Joe Crookston's album Darkling and the Bluebird Jubilee.  He sings Mary Gauthier's song, "Yeah, we all could use a little mercy now.  We don't deserve it, but we need it anyhow."

Yes, I need some mercy now.  I know I can't live up to doing all the things the chickens think I should do.  I know I'm not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not energetic enough, not bold enough.  But I am who I am. That's all I can be.  I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I've got.

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