After being awake for three hours stewing about the job market, I went back to sleep. I dreamed of a guy I used to know. A guy I found attractive because he was so intelligent and kind and easygoing, even though he was really not my type, either in terms of philosophy and values, or in terms of physical attributes I usually find attractive.
He used to be my coworker, but that was some years ago. In my dream, he came back to my workplace. He looked older, and somehow deeper, wiser, calmer. I was instantly attracted to what he had become. Then he told us about what had happened in the years since he had left our workplace. He had been working for something like the CIA. He was good with technology and computer programming, and he had found a way to program himself to have all the abilities his new employer wanted. It was like he had all kinds of mental and physical superpowers. Now, because he had these powers, he was extremely valuable to his employer, and his employer would not let him go. He came back to us for help breaking away from his new employer. We loved him and were committed to helping him. We came up with the plan that we would get a certain powerful person to help him. She was going to be giving a public forum, and we would get him in and get him the opportunity to ask for her help during the public forum. Apparently it was a fairly elaborate plan that involved us wearing various costumes and acting in certain ways.
So it worked, in that he got to ask for her help. But then it didn't work because she declined to help. So then there we were, standing around the lobby feeling morose because that had been our only hope and we didn't know anything else we could do.
Then he was kissing me, a long kiss, and as did so, his superpowers were flowing to me. And he transferred his powers to each of us. We had failed at being able to get his superpowers removed, but when we all had the superpowers, then together we were better able to defend against those who wanted to exploit the powers.
There was always a group of people involved in helping him. Who else was involved in that group was sort of fuzzy prior to the kiss. But after the kiss, I became aware that we were all young women, and he didn't love any one more than the others. I was a bit sad not be the only love interest, but the bigger thing was how much I loved him.
As I woke up, I recalled that yesterday I was talking to my grandmother. She was talking about how people used to get married young, and how it's good that people wait now. Then she asked, "Are you waiting?" And I said no. I just don't think about romance much any more. I don't really want it any more, not if it's going to interfere with my own living up to my potential. Because now I am really discovering who I am in ways that I didn't when I was with someone, and devoted to who he was. I didn't explain all that to my grandma, but I told her that I was too busy enjoying life, and she thought that was good.
But then that dream, that kiss, how sweet it was, to just open myself up, to give myself entirely to someone.
And then, as I lay awake, I thought of three other guys who, like the guy the dream was based on, I loved and was attracted to, but who have totally different values, and so our paths have diverged. And I thought of how much of my life, I was surrounded by people who did not share my values. I just had nothing in common with people in my hometown. People at college had so much more in common with me, and it was so great to be there and be able to be a part of the community with everyone else. But then, the people I was friends with in my 30s were even more like me. They were playful outdoorsy people. How could I have even thought I fit in with those college people, so many wealthy city people? And now, I have found people who are into sustainable living and folk music. My friends in my 30's didn't understand these things that are so much a part of who I am. Will my 50's bring even better?