Yesterday. Saturday. No scheduled events. Time to catch up on resting and chores.
I had company two weeks ago. Two people staying for five days. I arranged furniture differently for their visit. Yesterday, I finally had time to put it bag. Dragging mattresses and box springs about the house. Moving things here and there. Did three loads of laundry: one was my regular laundry, the other two were sheets and towels from my guests. When I do laundry, that means carrying a bag of laundry down stairs to the laundromat, walking back up the stairs to wait at home, then walking downstairs to go back to the laundromat, carrying the bag of wet laundry back up the stairs, and then climbing on a chair to reach the place where I hang to wet laundry. Or for loads that go in the dryer, there's the additional trip down and up the stairs to put move the clothes from washer to dryer.
My knees have been hurting me for the past two weeks. Every trip on the stairs hurts them. Every time I climb up on the chair to hang the laundry hurts them.
Once I got to the laundromat before the clothes were ready. I did not want to sit down, because lowering myself into the chair would hurt my knees, and getting up from the chair would hurt my knees. But I was so tired. I chose to sit.
I had more laundry to do, but I decided three loads was all I could take. I was feeling light-headed and shaky. Would eating something help?
One more thing to do before I could go to bed for the rest of the day. I went out in the car. Should I be driving when I was feeling so light-headed and shaky? I went to the library and got two books to pass the time while resting. And I got a sandwich for lunch.
When I got home, it was maybe around 2:30pm, and I felt it was well past time to retire for the day. I got in bed with my two library books. I did get up several times thereafter for food and the bathroom, but I was no longer aspiring to get anything done.
I finished the first book around 9:30pm, an ideal bedtime for me. But the story continues in the second book, so I kept on reading.
I finish reading about 1:45am. I turn out the light and try to sleep. Still awake at 2:45, I get up and go to the computer. I catch up on Facebook, and return to bed at 3:20am. Finally I sleep.
The books were The Girl of Fire and Thorns and The Crown of Embers by Rae Carson. The story is spread over three books. My library only has two. So they have left me hanging, not able to finish the story.
It is a story of empowerment. In the second book, the main character does what she needs to do in order to be strong, to protect her people. But in the end of the second book she takes control of her life. She says, I'm no longer going to do the things I have to do in order to succeed. I'm going to do the things I know are right instead. Even if it means losing my power, I'm going to be true to myself. And in being willing to let go of power, she at last has power, the power to be true to herself.
The way she seizes her own life is what I long to do, but how can I? I can't quit my job, because I know no other way to live. In reality, there's no one true path that we can courageously choose. In the real world, I can barely do laundry and feed myself.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
A lofty moment, then back to earth
I lay back in my chaise chair listening to "Dearest Lord" by the Beggar Folk. Soaring harmonies. Lofty. My body tingled with holiness.
I came back to reality. I was wearing my pajamas. A fleece top I used to wear in public has become so stained that now I only wear it as pajamas. All around me, clutter.
On one hand, it's nice that I can soar to lofty spirituality amidst the mess. On the other hand, I have long wanted to make my house more of a spiritual haven.
I guess I just have to accept my finiteness. I aspire to many more things than I have time for. For the most part, I think I might the right choices about how to spend my time. I think I can be at peace with what I do and don't do.
I came back to reality. I was wearing my pajamas. A fleece top I used to wear in public has become so stained that now I only wear it as pajamas. All around me, clutter.
On one hand, it's nice that I can soar to lofty spirituality amidst the mess. On the other hand, I have long wanted to make my house more of a spiritual haven.
I guess I just have to accept my finiteness. I aspire to many more things than I have time for. For the most part, I think I might the right choices about how to spend my time. I think I can be at peace with what I do and don't do.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Druidry and the Ancestors
I am reading Druidry and the Ancestors by Nimue Brown. It's a great book. It's readable, not too long, not too dense, and yet in another sense, it is dense. I mean, it seems light in terms of the ease with which one can read it, but at the same time, it is so richly thick with intelligence.
I'm eager to read it all, and yet each nugget deserves time for pondering. What I've decided to do is read it all the way through, giving rein to my eagerness. Then once I've satisfied my urge to see what more she has to say, I can read it more slowly next time. I can read just a few pages, and meditate on them. I'm not yet done with my first time through, but I'm more than halfway there. I'm on page 151 of 231.
Nimue has so much knowledge, and such an ability to synthesize that knowledge, and then to write it all in a way that makes her deep insights seem simple and obvious.
The title tells you what the book is about, but then when you read the book, you realize that the topic encompasses far more than you ever imagined. It's about how we understand our past, and making choices about what from our past to take with us into the future. "Our past" encompasses our family history, as well as the history of humanity and the planet.
At many points, there are things that remind me of some viewpoint I heard in the past that I knew I disagreed with, but I was not able to understood what was wrong with it with complete clarity and depth. Nimue provides that clarity and depth. I feel like next time I am faced with people who don't understand my viewpoint, I want to just hand them this book and say, "Here, this is it. This explains everything about how I view the world." Of course, that's not realistic -- when people don't understand me, I need to personally engage with them. It's just a fantasy, that if only everyone would read this book, they would understand me. Of course they wouldn't, because they would read the book through their own eyes, not through my eyes.
One thing I like is the way she talks about the history of druidry. She's very realistic about historical fact, about the fact that we hardly know anything about druids, and that so much of what we associate with druidry is a mythology that people have made up over the years. But she embraces mythology for its own sake. I've always found it strange the way some modern druids think the only way to be genuine is to focus on the actual Iron Age druids, and ignore everything that was made up after. What I find even stranger is when Reconstructionists seem to believe that Revivalists are foolishly believing that the stuff that was made up after is actually historical fact. It's as if Reconstructionists think, "Druidry is about revering the way of the Iron Age druids. Revivalists revere stuff that was made up later. Therefore, Revivalists believe that the stuff that was made up later is historical fact about Iron Age druids, because the only reason a druid would revere something would be if they believed it was true of the Iron Age druids." I also find it strange the way some Revivalists do try to believe that the Revival stuff is actually true of Iron Age druids. Nimue expresses so clearly that a) the Revival stuff is not fact about Iron Age druids, and b) that's okay. It's mythology, and we can embrace it as such.
Another example of something I've long believed that Nimue explains better than I ever could: Once a pantheist commented that it seems that humanity is evolving toward pantheism. This seemed wrong to me. It seems to me that pantheists, atheists, and Christians all believe that their beliefs are the most enlightened state, and they feel sorry for the people who live without the benefit of that enlightenment. It also seemed to me that she was speaking from a small knowledge of history. It seemed that she was mostly thinking of how the United States used to be more widely Christian, and now more people seem to be turning away from Christianity. It seemed to me that she was not thinking of the wider world.
One thing that Nimue brings to consideration of this comment once made by a pantheist is her consideration of the different ways people look at history. Some people look at history and see that we are progressing toward a more enlightened state. Others think that our society is in decay, moving farther and farther away from the good old days. Another way of looking at it is that there is no direction at all, it's just a bunch of people doing things and seeing how they work out.
I've always liked that. I like reading things that describe the different outlooks people have had, and how those outlooks have varied across times and cultures. It's as if my worldview is a planet, and seeing nothing beyond my planet, I believe that my planet is the whole world. Then I learn there are galaxies, and realize that my worldview is just one of many. I probably won't change my worldview, but it expands me enormously to see my worldview from the perspective of where it fits among many others.
Nimue's book is about how we build upon what went before. For her, one of the people who went before is Ronald Hutton. Like me, she has read his work and has been impressed by it. In a sense, we could not be where we are today without him. I mean, he compiled such vast amounts of knowledge that were part of laying the groundwork for the ideas -- the ideas that have lived inarticulately within me, and which Nimue has been able to express so well.
Ronald Hutton is just one example. Where any person is at today is a result of the past work of millions of people, stretching into the past for millenia. It's something we don't often think about, but Nimue's book reminds us.
Druidry and the Ancestors expresses a great deal about what it means to be a druid, and what it means to be human. This is a book which I want to read, reread, and meditate upon. This is a book that will inform my understanding as I read other druid books.
I'm eager to read it all, and yet each nugget deserves time for pondering. What I've decided to do is read it all the way through, giving rein to my eagerness. Then once I've satisfied my urge to see what more she has to say, I can read it more slowly next time. I can read just a few pages, and meditate on them. I'm not yet done with my first time through, but I'm more than halfway there. I'm on page 151 of 231.
Nimue has so much knowledge, and such an ability to synthesize that knowledge, and then to write it all in a way that makes her deep insights seem simple and obvious.
The title tells you what the book is about, but then when you read the book, you realize that the topic encompasses far more than you ever imagined. It's about how we understand our past, and making choices about what from our past to take with us into the future. "Our past" encompasses our family history, as well as the history of humanity and the planet.
At many points, there are things that remind me of some viewpoint I heard in the past that I knew I disagreed with, but I was not able to understood what was wrong with it with complete clarity and depth. Nimue provides that clarity and depth. I feel like next time I am faced with people who don't understand my viewpoint, I want to just hand them this book and say, "Here, this is it. This explains everything about how I view the world." Of course, that's not realistic -- when people don't understand me, I need to personally engage with them. It's just a fantasy, that if only everyone would read this book, they would understand me. Of course they wouldn't, because they would read the book through their own eyes, not through my eyes.
One thing I like is the way she talks about the history of druidry. She's very realistic about historical fact, about the fact that we hardly know anything about druids, and that so much of what we associate with druidry is a mythology that people have made up over the years. But she embraces mythology for its own sake. I've always found it strange the way some modern druids think the only way to be genuine is to focus on the actual Iron Age druids, and ignore everything that was made up after. What I find even stranger is when Reconstructionists seem to believe that Revivalists are foolishly believing that the stuff that was made up after is actually historical fact. It's as if Reconstructionists think, "Druidry is about revering the way of the Iron Age druids. Revivalists revere stuff that was made up later. Therefore, Revivalists believe that the stuff that was made up later is historical fact about Iron Age druids, because the only reason a druid would revere something would be if they believed it was true of the Iron Age druids." I also find it strange the way some Revivalists do try to believe that the Revival stuff is actually true of Iron Age druids. Nimue expresses so clearly that a) the Revival stuff is not fact about Iron Age druids, and b) that's okay. It's mythology, and we can embrace it as such.
Another example of something I've long believed that Nimue explains better than I ever could: Once a pantheist commented that it seems that humanity is evolving toward pantheism. This seemed wrong to me. It seems to me that pantheists, atheists, and Christians all believe that their beliefs are the most enlightened state, and they feel sorry for the people who live without the benefit of that enlightenment. It also seemed to me that she was speaking from a small knowledge of history. It seemed that she was mostly thinking of how the United States used to be more widely Christian, and now more people seem to be turning away from Christianity. It seemed to me that she was not thinking of the wider world.
One thing that Nimue brings to consideration of this comment once made by a pantheist is her consideration of the different ways people look at history. Some people look at history and see that we are progressing toward a more enlightened state. Others think that our society is in decay, moving farther and farther away from the good old days. Another way of looking at it is that there is no direction at all, it's just a bunch of people doing things and seeing how they work out.
I've always liked that. I like reading things that describe the different outlooks people have had, and how those outlooks have varied across times and cultures. It's as if my worldview is a planet, and seeing nothing beyond my planet, I believe that my planet is the whole world. Then I learn there are galaxies, and realize that my worldview is just one of many. I probably won't change my worldview, but it expands me enormously to see my worldview from the perspective of where it fits among many others.
Nimue's book is about how we build upon what went before. For her, one of the people who went before is Ronald Hutton. Like me, she has read his work and has been impressed by it. In a sense, we could not be where we are today without him. I mean, he compiled such vast amounts of knowledge that were part of laying the groundwork for the ideas -- the ideas that have lived inarticulately within me, and which Nimue has been able to express so well.
Ronald Hutton is just one example. Where any person is at today is a result of the past work of millions of people, stretching into the past for millenia. It's something we don't often think about, but Nimue's book reminds us.
Druidry and the Ancestors expresses a great deal about what it means to be a druid, and what it means to be human. This is a book which I want to read, reread, and meditate upon. This is a book that will inform my understanding as I read other druid books.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
When to follow your instinct, and when to listen to other views
As I have mentioned in many posts, I'm upset with people who tell me what I should do. Perhaps the reason it bothers me is because I always feel I should give them the benefit of the doubt, should consider their view. I don't believe in dismissing people's views. If I could dismiss their views, maybe I would not be so mad at them, and would not feel like they were holding me back. What I mean by holding me back is that I take time away from the path that I know is right in order to give consideration to what other people say.
On the other hand, it wouldn't be right to forge ahead on my own beliefs alone, and shut out any input from others. The beliefs of any one person are limited. When we let in the views of others, we can expand our understanding, and be a little less wrong.
It's a fine line, knowing when to let in the views of others, and when to proceed with what you believe to be right. As in my previous post, it's the kind of thing that you can spend your whole life trying to get right.
On the other hand, it wouldn't be right to forge ahead on my own beliefs alone, and shut out any input from others. The beliefs of any one person are limited. When we let in the views of others, we can expand our understanding, and be a little less wrong.
It's a fine line, knowing when to let in the views of others, and when to proceed with what you believe to be right. As in my previous post, it's the kind of thing that you can spend your whole life trying to get right.
Questions to last a lifetime
When I was a teenager, I had it all figured out. I thought of things in the abstract, and in the abstract, they were easier to solve. Seems simple to say
- Let people do whatever they want as long as they don't hurt anyone. Stop people from hurting others.
- Don't work so hard to earn money that you become cynical and stop being joyful and playful.
- Look to research to see what works to solve social problems, and then go out and fix the problems.
Now these things are not so simple. It seems to me that a person could spend a lifetime struggling with such issues. What seems simple in the abstract is far more complex in the implementation.
Strangely happy
I find myself feeling content today.
I was downtown for 5 hours today, at the farmer's market and nearby stores. At the market, I had breakfast, got groceries, and spent some time tabling for a community group I'm involved in. I liked being part of the community.
And then I went home, and I liked having quiet time at home to do whatever I wanted, to not have to be running around going places. I compiled photos and compiled a playlist for my radio show. I like compiling stuff, listening to beautiful music, and looking at beautiful photos.
There was a festival tonight, with fireworks. I wanted to go, but it would have been too much. This year I didn't go to our county fair either. I didn't go to the July 4th festival and fireworks that I usually go to. I only went kayaking once. In the past, missing those things would have upset me. I think growing older means accepting that you can't do everything, living within your energy level, and savoring that which you do, rather than aspiring to do everything. In the past, I have pushed myself to do things I wanted to do, and I learned from experience that they're not enjoyable if I'm tired and sick while I'm doing them. If I'm feeling tired and sick, as I was today, I will find more enjoyment in compiling playlists than I will in going to festivals.
I was downtown for 5 hours today, at the farmer's market and nearby stores. At the market, I had breakfast, got groceries, and spent some time tabling for a community group I'm involved in. I liked being part of the community.
And then I went home, and I liked having quiet time at home to do whatever I wanted, to not have to be running around going places. I compiled photos and compiled a playlist for my radio show. I like compiling stuff, listening to beautiful music, and looking at beautiful photos.
There was a festival tonight, with fireworks. I wanted to go, but it would have been too much. This year I didn't go to our county fair either. I didn't go to the July 4th festival and fireworks that I usually go to. I only went kayaking once. In the past, missing those things would have upset me. I think growing older means accepting that you can't do everything, living within your energy level, and savoring that which you do, rather than aspiring to do everything. In the past, I have pushed myself to do things I wanted to do, and I learned from experience that they're not enjoyable if I'm tired and sick while I'm doing them. If I'm feeling tired and sick, as I was today, I will find more enjoyment in compiling playlists than I will in going to festivals.
Mission statement
This is not really new, I think about and write about this sort of thing all the time, but I was thinking about how to define my mission statement. Here I am in middle age, realizing that life is slipping by, and if there is something that I wanted to do while I was on this earth, I had better get to it. Right now it seems like my mission is:
To eliminate poverty and violence by building communities in which people continually strive to grow in:
To eliminate poverty and violence by building communities in which people continually strive to grow in:
- treating others with respect, compassion, and kindness
- integrity
- knowledge, wisdom, and critical thinking
- sustainable living
- joy and playfulness
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