What I'd rather know about sociopaths

In a recent post, I alluded to an article on a web site about how to tell if you are dating a sociopath.  That part is not hard.  I mean, I don't try to judge who is or is not a sociopath, but I know something unhealthy when I experience it.  I know that when I have that feeling of nothing I can do is good enough in the eyes of that person, that that is a person to walk away from.

But I have two other questions.  Sometimes it's not so simple to eliminate someone from your life.  Maybe they are connected to your job or to your family.  So my first question is how to cope if you've got one in your life.

My second question is am I a sociopath? Some people would say that some of the traits apply to me, such as:

• Lack of empathy
• Staying calm in dangerous situation
• Having few friends
• Never wrong, blames others
• Intense eye contact

On the other hand, some traits don't apply to me at all, such as:

• Charm and charisma
• Big ego
• Thrill seeking
• Recklessness
• Illegal behavior
• Lying

Or if I'm not a sociopath, what about someone who is? I know people who exhibit some of these traits who sincerely want to be a good person.

A friend once told me that he believes most really annoying people desperately yearn to not be annoying people.  They hate the rejection, but they just can't act another way.  He was talking more of people with no superficial social skills, while a sociopath would have superficial social skills, but I think the same concept applies. 

What if someone really wanted to be a good person, but they just had a personality that was hurtful to other people?  

And how much do we even know how much we hurt other people? If people are afraid of us, they may try to hide it.  

If someone thought they were a sociopath, they might try to go to psychotherapy for help.  But they might find it was no help, and they might quit after a while.

So I don't know who is a sociopath and who is not a sociopath, but what I want to know is:

1. How do I cope when people behave poorly toward me?
2. How can I make sure I don't behave poorly toward other people?

Those questions are intertwined, because the question is, when do I accept people for who they are, and when do I stand up for myself?  How do I say "stop treating me that way" without putting the person down?  

What hurt people want

When people feel hurt, what they want is someone to validate their hurt, to say they understand.  They tell the story of their hurt, in the hopes of getting affirmation.

Let's use some fictional names just for clarity, so I don't keep writing about "the hurt person" and "the person the hurt person is talking to."  Let's say Cheryl is upset, feeling that Laura hurt her.  Cheryl tells Laura why she is upset.  She wants Laura to validate her hurt.  But that's the last thing Laura wants to do.  Laura feels that if she lets Cheryl's feelings be legitimate, that will be the equivalent of saying, "Yes, I did a bad thing. I am a jerk." It hurts Laura to feel like a jerk, so she wards off that possibility.  She counterattacks, telling Cheryl she  has no right to feel hurt.

So then Cheryl complains to Diane about how Laura hurt her.  Diane may say, "You shouldn't let things bother you so much," or she may explain to Cheryl what Cheryl ought to say to Laura.

But if either Laura or Diane would just say something to Cheryl like, "I'm sorry. I can see why you're upset," it would do wonders to heal Cheryl's hurt.

Yes, this is something I feel strongly about personally, as I'm upset with people telling me what to do and how to feel.  But it's also something I see all around me, hurt people taking out their stories, telling their stories over and over, in search of affirmation.

So, if someone is hurt, just listen and affirm their feelings.  And, if someone is angry, the reason they are angry is probably because they are hurt, so if someone is angry, just listen and affirm their feelings.

Media and independent business

Recently people have complained that the media was paying more attention to a scantily clad celebrity than to the situation in Syria.  What media? I get my news from public radio -- both via the radio and via web sites.  It all seems very sensible.

I don't watch TV at all, and don't listen to commercial radio, but I do sometimes see advertisements on web sites, and I also see web sites of profit-oriented media, which include not only advertisements, but stories designed to attract profit, stories about a celebrity's sex life, or tips on how to tell if you are dating a sociopath.

Even though I mostly shield myself from it, I realize that junk in the media is very widespread.  I'm grateful that we still have alternatives like public radio and Yes Magazine.  We need to support these alternatives so that they will continue to be there for us.

In my community, we also have a farmer's market and an independent bookstore.  Our food co-op went out of business, but a neighboring city has a good one.  Not everyone has these things.  When my mother asked me stepfather if there were any independent bookstores in the area where they live, he said, "You mean like Barnes and Noble?"  Some people don't even know what an independent bookstore is because they haven't seen one.

Let's not take these things for granted.  Let's support the things we value, so they don't disappear.

Asperger's

When my friend was telling me the rumor that the group leadership wanted the new guy out, he commented, "Maybe he has Asperger's.  Maybe they are discriminating against him."

I said, "Well I figured he did."

There's an attribute some people have that you can see right away, and for many years I had no name for it, but now it seems to be called Asperger's.

What it is is a directness, a lack of small talk, that makes me comfortable with a person.  Normally I'm not comfortable with people.

Not everyone with Asperger's syndrome has this directness.  I know people with Asperger's who make small talk and beat around the bush.

Is Asperger's real? Actually they have un-invented it -- now officially we just have autism spectrum.  But we had Asperger's for a while, and it was really popular, and still is really popular.  I wonder if it is over-diagnosed.  I know people who have been diagnosed with it who are oddballs, but to me don't seem to fit the criteria for Asperger's.  Of course I understand that people with Asperger's are very different from each other.

Sometimes it seems everyone I know has Asperger's.  Some have the diagnosis.  Others believe they may have Asperger's, but haven't been officially diagnosed.  Others haven't told me if they've ever thought about it, but I see something in them that makes me think of it.

In part, it's because the place I work draws a disproportionate number of people with Asperger's.  But I think it's also me.  I think I gravitate toward people with Asperger's.  As I said, there's a certain directness that some people with Asperger's have that makes me feel comfortable.

That raises the question, do I have Asperger's? Whenever I read the criteria, I can only conclude that I don't.  Yes I'm an introverted, awkward oddball, but I just don't fit the description of Asperger's.

Some people with Asperger's may fear that it makes them unlike-able.  It doesn't.  I don't automatically like everyone with Asperger's of course, but in generally, I would say Asperger's increases the likelihood that I will like someone.

I guess the main thing is the directness.  I like people with directness, and many but not all people with Asperger's have directness.

So, to anyone out there who thinks no one will like you because you are too weird, who tries to pass for normal in order to make people like you, bear in mind, some people like weird people.

And that's what I need to bear in mind too.  Because I too often feel that no one will like me as I am, so I have to try to pass for normal.

Well, it's not only that.  The reason I try to pass for normal is because if I admit to having any problem, people lecture me on how to solve my problem, and I can't stand that.

Honesty

I met someone new today and I really liked him.  I liked that he was so direct.

He is trying to become a member of an organization that I'm a part of.

I met him at a meeting, and at that meeting a policy was announced.  The policy would preclude him from joining.

Later, I heard a rumor.  I heard that the leadership of our group didn't like this guy and another who wanted to join.  They went to the governing body above them and asked the governing body above them to decree this policy.

They wanted to keep these two individuals out of the organization.  They hid that fact by pretending that:

• It was a policy matter, nothing against the individuals.
• It was out of the control of group leadership, and against the will of the leadership, and came from the governing body above.

I like him because he's direct.  I respect him because he is direct.  

I do  not respect the way the group leadership for this.  It's hard to say no to someone.  But if it's your choice to say no to someone, take responsibility for it.  You don't want to be the bad guy, but you are the bad guy.  Own up to it.  You have the authority to choose.  Own your choices.

I hate it when people do that to me.  If they would just say no, then I could move on, but instead they go all vague and squirmy.  

Squirmy people suck.

Nimue Brown wrote two blog posts recently about behaving honorably.  I think this is about being honorable. Being honorable means owning your choices.

Scribbles

I have never been good at hands-on or practical things.  I don't draw, sing, play a  musical instrument, fix cars, fix houses, garden, or crochet.  But in the privacy of my own home, I don't have to be good.  In the privacy of my own home, I can dance, sing, play ukulele, and draw.  Today, feeling beaten physically and emotionally, I needed some healing activity, so I made some scribbles.  It is so good to just follow my instinct, to not have to fit an expectation.

Treasure

When I was a kid
Stories told of buried treasure
Gold, jewels
That's not what treasure is

Treasure is
People who value what I have to offer
People who let me help them
People who make time for me
Because they want me to be part of their lives

Treasure is
People who delight in my company
Who enjoy me as I am
Rather than trying to help and advise  me
Into who they think I ought to be

And treasure is
The serenity and freedom of solitude
Time outdoors in beautiful weather
The touch of the breeze
The company of trees
Gazing at the water

Treasure is music
Treasure is dance

Treasure is freedom from poverty
From violence and oppression
From pollution and poisons

Treasure is not something that can be possessed
We make choices about how to spend our time
And what to turn away from
We can choose whether to walk away from treasure
Or embrace it

But we can't hold onto it
Can't make it stay forever and always
Treasure is fleeting
Treasure is a gift
Treasure it when it comes
Let it go when it goes
Another treasure will come again