Wednesday, September 6, 2006


It was over 7 months ago that I came down with mono. It wasn't fun. I was too tired to do anything. It seemed like way too much effort to go to the kitchen and get some food, even food which required no preparation. When I walked to the laundromat a few blocks away, I felt sort of light-headed and felt like I was going to fall down. Driving to get groceries or go to the doctor was quite a task. And along with sickness came depression and despair.

Gradually I started getting better. I started going back to work part-time in March. By late April, I was feeling energetic. I went rollerblading four days in a row.

Then I started relapsing in May and June. Sometimes I'd take a vacation day because I was so tired. Up until mid-July or so, I rarely made it through a full 40 hour week of work.

By late July, I again started feeling energetic, nearly cured. I went rollerblading a few times, though not as far as what I used to consider normal.

Then I started fading, and was tired all of August. However, I've been working full-time almost all the time since mid-July. And I try to exercise. Sometimes it's just 15 minutes of yoga. Some days I don't even attempt that much, because walking from the living room to the bathroom after a full day of work is more exercise than I want to be doing.

The fact that I'm back to work full-time is a enormous amount of progress, and I should appreciate that, but I'm still lacking stamina. Before I was sick, I couldn't keep up with many more stamina-gifted people, but now I lack stamina even compared to my former self. I have trouble concentrating at work because I'm so tired. And going to work is pretty much all I have the energy to do.

Sometimes I do a good job of accepting where I'm at. Sometimes I really enjoy staying home and reading in my spare time. But there's still a part of me that dreams of kayaking, sailing, hiking, rollerblading, skiing, building houses for Habitat for Humanity, and traveling. I've been thinking that since I missed out on most of the fun summer stuff (though I did make it to the Clearwater festival in June and paddled a kayak a bit a few days ago), I want to take vacation time in September and do something. But I'm too tired to go somewhere, so I'll just stay here and go to work. But if I'm tired, maybe I should take time off. But if I take time off, I want to go somewhere. But I'm too tired to go somewhere. So I'll just stay here and go to work. This is the circle that my mind keeps going around in.

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