Bugs

I have bugs in my apartment. I sprayed stuff on them that is supposed to make bugs go away. Or at least die. Now I have bug corpses lying around in addition to live bugs crawling around. Also the spraying stuff is not really good for asthma. I sprayed it on a number of different days, and each time, I got a crop of corpses a day or two later, but the live ones kept on coming.

I was looking on the internet at pictures of bugs to see if I could find out what kind they are. But I didn't find the right kind, and after a while I was like, "I don't like looking at bugs. I have to do that too much in real life anyhow" so I quit.

My bugs are about 3/4 of an inch long. They are black with orange trim. They have six legs and antennae. They fly a little bit, like turkeys do, just to hop off the roost, but mostly they walk around. They seem to come from the south facing windows. Well I don't really see them actually crawling in through the windows, but that is where their concentrations seem to stem from.

His Dark Materials

I have been reading the His Dark Materials trilogy. I am in the third book, so I've read most but not the whole thing. I am still waiting to see what the conclusion will be, but it seems to me that it is that when the serpent tempted Eve, and Adam and Eve left the garden of Eden, it was a good thing, because it meant they could learn knowledge and wisdom, and have the free will to make their own choices, even though that meant making mistakes sometimes. And I think it is about love and freedom of choice over obedience to dogma. And it said, "we have to build the Republic of Heaven where we are, because for us there is no elsewhere."

We take it for granted most of the time because it's all we know, but when you think about it, it is such a gift to be alive. We have this life, and we can make it what we want it to be. It's our opportunity to make our mark on the world. I don't want to spend it toiling at a job that bothers me, and then going home to sit on the couch and read or watch TV. And yet, I don't know how else to live it. I am shackled by two things: the necessity of earning a living, and fatigue. Is their some way to shed these chains? Some light shining through a window that I can follow to find a way out? Or is this my here, is it within these shackles that I must build my republic of heaven?

Not connected to my heart

I'm not connected to my heart. I'm just trying to shove myself in the mold that doesn't fit it. At work, I force myself to concentrate on things that don't interest me. I've lost the liking for the people who used to be my friends, yet I feel I must be civil to them because it's not their fault I've lost the liking. On the weekend, I force myself to do laundry and get groceries even though I'm too tired. I force myself to live this life because it's the life that I've got, and because I can't find anywhere else to go. There is nothing that I desire to do, so I do things I don't desire to do, because one must go on living.

I have seen people living without being connected to their hearts. In retrospect, I think one was a lesbian trying to live as a heterosexual. That's how I feel -- as if I'm trying to live a life of someone who is not me. But I don't know what is the life of me. If I knew, I'd live it.

The character Hilary Faye in Saved! is an example I think. People like Hilary Faye try hard to follow all the rules of their religion, or to do charitable works, in the hopes that it will give them that feeling of grace, or closeness to God. But the only way to get that grace is let your heart be filled with love, and that doesn't happen if you aren't connected to your heart.

How can I get connected to my heart? By trying to get in touch with my spirituality using such techniques as meditation, yoga, religious readings, religious rituals, dance, and being outdoors. Being with people who appreciate who I am would be helpful, but I think the reason I am so distanced from my heart is because I don't know people like that. Occasionally someone treats me with warmth, and it lights my spirit, but then it makes my heart ache, because I know it wasn't of substance.

Grow back stronger

Someone said with regard to my broken wrist that he has heard that after bones break, they grow back stronger. I've heard or thought that logic with regard to a number of other things.

The day we were all waiting to hear which of us would be laid off, someone said, "Every time I got laid off, I ended up with a better job."

When my landlord decided to paint my apartment, I had to pack up all my belongings and then put them away again when the painting was done. It was an opportunity to go through all my stuff and get rid of what I didn't need.

When my computer had a problem and was "fixed" by having everything on it removed, I had to reinstall my programs and restore my files. That too was an opportunity to get rid of things I didn't need.

When my friends disappeared, it was an opportunity to make new and better friends.

It's true that I got some improvements out of the things in my life that broke. Breaking my wrist has helped be get closer to the people who helped me. After my apartment was painted, I did end up getting rid of some stuff, and re-organizing some stuff. And I do have a more discerning view of other people now, so any new friends will be better quality.

But some things that break stay broken. Some things that you try to bring back come back weaker instead of stronger. I still haven't gotten my apartment back to where I want it to be after the painting, nor have I been able to get my computer back to where I want it to be. I don't have friends who are as close as my previous friends used to be.

I like what they say in You've Got Mail: ""People always say that change is a good thing, but what it really means is that something that you didn't want to happen, has happened."

It would be nice if things only changed when I chose to change them, but life is never like that.

It's good to make the best of what life gives you, but sometimes I feel like people are telling me I should be happy about any bad things that happen to me. Making the best of what life gives you doesn't mean thinking, "I'm so delighted that now I am always too tired to do much." It means saying, "I wish I wasn't always too tired to do much, but as long as I am, I guess I'll try to enjoy some restful activities."

Those people who are always telling me that I should be happy about any bad things that happen to me are the people I no longer choose to associate with now that I am more discerning about friends.

Room with a view

On Sunday, Gail said, "Have a good day." I replied, "You too." She said, "Oh, I will." She said that it was a sunny day and she'd be sitting in a room with 18 feet of glass that has a view of a meadow and a bird feeder with all sorts of birds coming to it. One thing I like about summer is I can sit outside, and it feels like I am passing time in a worthwhile way even when I am too tired to do anything. I'd like to have a room like Gail's so that I can enjoy the view of outdoors even when it is too cold to be outside. I'd like to be able to spend my time in a worthwhile way even when I'm too tired to move or think.

I can't set up a place like that in my current apartment because I don't have the right kind of window, but maybe it's something to look for if I ever buy a house, or if I rent another apartment. My dad's apartment has a sliding glass door with a nice view of pine trees.

Caffeine

Weekdays I work (or sit in the office trying to work). Weekday evenings and weekends, I collapse at home. As I lie around and watch bad TV, I think about how I wish I had the energy to do something better with my time. I know it's too much to hope to be able to ski, hike, take dance classes, rollerblade, learn home renovation, or go to concerts, but I'd like to at least be able to read nonfiction, cook dinner, pay my bills, and prepare playlists. It was this sentiment that drove me on Sunday to decide, "This is no way to live. I'm going to resort to caffeine." I used to never have caffeine. In the past few years, caffeine has been the only thing that has helped me, but I've tried to have it only when necessary. Now I've had caffeine every day for three days. It has allowed me to achieve that level of mellow at-home functionality which I described as reading nonfiction, cooking dinner, paying my bills, and preparing playlists. I don't want to rely on caffeine, but the life I have without it is no way to live.

Wrist update

My wrist is still in a cast, but it doesn't hurt as much, so now I can do a lot more with it. It is wonderful to be less impaired, though I'm still looking forward to being able to do more than I can currently do.

I am now using my right hand for typing, but I don't have full use. Basically I have gone from five finger typing to seven finger typing.

I can't use a can opener.

I can tie my shoes, so I don't have to wear my zippered boots every day. That's good because they were hurting my feet.

I don't have much rotational ability. I can't turn doorknobs with my right hand.

I found that licking envelopes is more awkward now. Somehow I can't quite hold the envelope in the right position.

Both the orthopedist and my primary care doctor thought I would be able to drive. I tried it. It didn't work so well so I don't think I'll repeat it. Besides, we are getting a snowstorm tonight, and I can't shovel snow. When I tried driving, I found there were three things I wasn't good at: turning the key, shifting, and steering.

In order to turn the key in the ignition, I have to use my left hand. In order to reach with my left hand, I have to lean way over.

My car is an automatic, but you still have to shift between park, drive, and reverse. The way the shift is supposed to work is you guide it forward and back with your right hand on top while pushing the button with your thumb. I can do the forward and back, but I can't push the button with my right hand, so I have to do that part reaching across with my left.

I can place my hands on the steering wheel when going relatively straight, but my right hand can't do the maneuvering needed for steering around a corner. I was slow steering with my left hand. It would not be good for dealing with an emergency situation, or even being around cars that were in a hurry. I also would not want to have to parallel park, since that requires both shifting and steering.