Haverford College

I recently attended my college reunion at Haverford College. That got me thinking about what Haverford means to me.

1. The things I thought in high school when I was applying to colleges are pretty much still true.
   • I was a Quaker, so I liked the fact that that Haverford was founded by Quakers and maintained a Quaker identity.
   • I liked the fact that they did not have a football team or fraternities and sororites.
   • My interview at Haverford was memorable because the interviewer asked so many thought-provoking questions that I was still thinking about them for days afterwards. My classes at Haverford were not all as thought-provoking as that interview, but there were intellectually stimulating moments. I think what I generally found more intellectually stimulating than my classes was talking about my classes with my friends. In particular, I talked to Kevin about sociology and to Tom about history.
   • What impressed me about the campus tour was the humble, humorous attitude of the student leading the tour. I remember that the tour guide was good naturedly making fun of Haverford by saying we don't have a football team but we have a cricket team. At my reunion, 25 years after my campus tour, I still found Haverford to be humble and humorous.
   • My feeling was that I liked Haverford in all respects except location. I wanted to be in New England. I thought Williams College had a good location. I still feel that I belong in New England, somewhere north of Connecticut.
2. Haverford values peace, justice, equality, community, treating people with respect, and listening to others. A typical article in the alumni magazine might be about an alumnus working at health clinics in Africa. I share Haverford's values, and it really means something to me to be from a college that shares my values, even though the things people do in the alumni magazine aren't my path.
3. My experience at Haverford was an experience of being part of an open and welcoming community. If I wanted to be among friends, all I had to do was step out to a public area, and people would start talking to me. Even with people I did not know, there was a sense of community and common culture, and it was normal to talk to strangers. I was part of a large circle of friends and had a handful of close friends. After feeling like a misfit without social skills in high school, suddenly I was a normal person with plenty of friends. I felt like I belonged at Haverford. Haverford was my home and my community. I still feel that way. I refer to the Haverford community as "us," and I feel a sense of connection to others who went to Haverford.
4. In a class of about 310 students, a college of about 1200 students, and a bi-college community of about 3,000 students, my circle of friends had maybe thirty people in it. Who were the rest of the people? My sense is that they were not my type. They were from rich families and planning to go on to be rich grownups. They became investment bankers, lawyers, and doctors. But how can it be that I had such a strong sense of community if the majority of people there were so different from me? Were the other people closer to my values than I thought? Or was the identity of Haverford something separate from the individuals who were there? Certainly I think that people joining the Peace Corps is part of the identity of Haverford and that means something in my sense of what college I come from, even though it's not really what my friends or I are about. (I tend to be drawn to geek types rather than activist or Peace Corps types.) Could that also be the case for those who were not in my circle of friends? That even though they didn't fit the mold of what Haverford was about, it meant something to them and was part of who they are?
5. I don't like the way the rich kids' attitude rubbed off on me. The attitude seemed to be "We are at one of the best schools in the country, so we must be smart. We should have fulfilling careers. Being a housewife or farmer is too boring for us." I sometimes feel that my ambitions are supposed to be more ambitious than they are.

I still feel as I did in high school: I like Haverford's values, humility, humor, and sense of community. However, I also feel more at home in New England, and in a more rustic environment (such as Marlboro College).

Tamora pierce

Someone gave me a list of authors and books I might like. The first name on the list was Tamora Pierce. Since, then I've been reading Tamora Pierce books. That was two years ago. Maybe someday I'll get on to the second name on the list. It's good that I've gotten years of entertainment out of this list.

Here's a list of books by Tamora Pierce that I've read so far:

Song of the Lioness
Alanna: The First Adventure
In the Hand of the Goddess
The Woman Who Rides Like a Man
Lionness Rampant
The Immortals
Wild Magic
Wolf-Speaker
The Emperor Mage
The Realms of the Gods
Protector of the Small
First Test
Page
Squire
Lady Knight
Tricksters
Trickster's Choice
Trickster's Queen
Circle of Magic
Sandry's Book
Tris's Book
Daja's Book
Briar's Book
The Circle Opens
Magic Steps
Street Magic
Cold Fire
Shatterglass
The Will of the Empress

Tamora Pierce books that I have not yet read (not all have been published yet):

The Provost's Dog
Terrier
Bloodhound
Elkhound
Melting Stones
White Tiger: A Hero's Compulsion TPB (co-authored with Timothy Liebe )
"Plain Magic" in Flights of Fantasy
"Testing" in Lost and Found
"Elder Brother" in Half Human
Young Warriors: Stories of Strength

Dumb things that people always say

A former vegan went to dinner with a group of people and witnessed a non-vegetarian asking a vegetarian questions about her reasons for being a vegetarian. Later he commented to me, "That's one of the things I don't miss about being a vegetarian -- the interrogation."

That got us talking about the other things people always say that we wouldn't miss.

People who know of my chronic fatigue say things along the lines of "If you lived the lifestyle I live, you would be as healthy as me." They don't say lifestyle. They each have a specific thing, like if you ate more of a particular type of food or did more of a certain activity. There are a lot of people who live less healthy lifestyles than I who are living just fine, so they don't get picked on, but because my health is lacking, everyone is out to correct my lifestyle.

Another thing that people always say is that complete strangers come up to me and ask me whether or not my hair is my natural color. I can't really fathom why people think it's appropriate to go up to a complete stranger and say that.

Similarly, it's normally considered inappropriate to go up to a complete stranger and touch them, so why do people go up to pregnant women and touch their bellies?

Another response that I get to my hair color is people telling my things like, "My uncle used to have red hair, but it's white now." Why would I care whether complete strangers have red hair in their family tree?

Similarly, when people learn that what my brother does for a living is play piano and organ, they say things to him like, "My nephew used to play cello."

If you live in California, and you tell people that you are from Connecticut, they might say, "I know someone in New Jersey."

I think if you are in the U.S. and you tell people you are from Brazil, you probably get responses like, "My daughter visited Nicaragua once."

I understand that people are just trying to make a connection. It's good of them to take the risk to reach out for a connection, even though they are on shaky ground. I don't really mind if people tell me about the hair color of their relatives, or even if they ask me if I dye my hair (as long as the answer is no), but I don't really like the way some people give advice. I don't necessarily mind if people who hear my problems engage with me as a partner in brainstorming, but I don't like the attitude, "Your problem would be solved if only you did what I do."

Clinton vs. Obama

I have favored Senator Clinton over Senator Obama. It's not because I'm an expert on policy and think that her policies are better. It is more instinctive. Perhaps it is just that it is easier for me to trust her because she matches me on gender and race. Perhaps I'm just as dumb as the people who don't like Senator Obama because they think he's secretly a Muslim, or the people who just hate Senator Clinton without being able to say why. I think that Obama is more liberal than Clinton, and I'm liberal, so one would think that I would like Obama better. However, I think I would make a terrible president. I think both of them have the right kind of ideals. However, I am more confident of Clinton's ability to do what it takes to get things done. We need a president who can make deals with people whose values are very different from mine, and that's why I favor Clinton. Obama seems to have good ideals, but I don't know if he can be an effective president.

I think that it's good for Clinton to stay in the race long enough for everyone to get a chance to vote. I don't think it's fair that people who live in states with later primaries don't get as many choices. I think everyone should have the opportunity to vote for the candidate that they prefer.

However, once that's done, I think that she should respect the will of the people, rather than trying to win through super-delegates and by counting Florida and Michigan. I think in general that everyone's vote should count, including Florida and Michigan, but it was already decided that Florida and Michigan wouldn't count, and if that's the rule that's already decided, one shouldn't tamper with it just for the sake of getting more votes on your side.

I supported Clinton, but Obama won the votes, so it's time to get behind Obama.

A mineshaft and CFS

I heard a skit on Prairie Home Companion which involved a man who had fallen down a mineshaft and a woman up above from whom he was requesting help. It went something like this:

Man: I've fallen down a mineshaft and I'm pinned under a log. Can you help me?

Woman: You fell down the mineshaft? But there's a sign right there saying, "Caution: Mineshaft."

Man: Well I'm down here. Can you help me?

Woman: Your voice sounds pretty close. Maybe you could just climb up.

Man: I'm pinned under a big log. There's a phone up there, can you call and get someone to help me.

Woman: You want me to call and say there's a man who fell down a mineshaft even though there's a sign right here that says stay away from the mineshaft? They'll laugh at me.

She calls, and she and the dispatcher agree that it is not really serious but the dispatcher agrees to send someone to help. It's like he doesn't really see the need, but it's his job so he will send someone.

That's exactly what it's like to have chronic fatigue syndrome. Everyone thinks it should be easy to crawl out on your own. They say you just need to do X and then you'll be fine. X may be go out more, eat a different diet, quit complaining, have a better attitude, or get religion. Your doctor knows she's supposed to go through the motions of helping, but she doesn't really see that there's a problem worthy of her attention.

I know it's far too much to expect people to say "I'm sorry you are sick. What can I do to be supportive?" but couldn't they at least keep their mouths shut long enough for me to be able to imagine that they are listening and understanding, instead of blabbering on about what I ought to be doing?

Two different movies: A Lot Like Love and The Visitor

I saw two movies this weekend: A Lot Like Love and The Visitor. Neither was terrible and neither was wonderful, but it was interesting to note the contrasts between them.

A Lot Like Love was the same as a thousand other movies. The characters were young, good-looking, confident, and articulate. Sure they didn't have their lives all together and had their awkward moments, but they acted like people in movies act, not like regular people. The awkward moments were not truly awkward but were perfectly performed comedic acting. The plot was exactly the same as any other romantic comedy: man and women meet, have some ups and downs, and the movie ends when they finally decide to be together. Such movies leave me feeling bad about myself for not having that instant chemistry with the guys I meet, and for not having any guys chasing me at all.

As formulaic as romantic comedies are, there are some that I've enjoyed to a certain extent. This one was nothing special for the most part, but there was one scene that resonated with me. The guy and girl were each feeling the pain of rejection from other relationships, and to escape it, they just got in a car and drove. At one point, they sang along to a song on the radio. It brought back to me the times I've been in that carefree mode, driving around with someone just for the sake of adventure and singing along to the radio. It brought me the joy of that experience mixed with the sadness that my life is not like that any more. The song they were singing along with was a song of heartbreak which I listened to a lot when I was younger. Again, that brought me a mix of the joy of hearing the song mixed with the sadness of the emotion conveyed in the song.

The Visitor was refreshingly not exactly like a thousand other movies. I was especially impressed with Danai Jekesai Gurira, who played Zaineb. Zaineb came across as a genuine person rather than as a movie star. The characters in The Visitor were not all young and good-looking. The main character was over 60. When people found themselves in an encounter with a stranger, they were awkward and had little to say. A wife's irritation with her husband wasn't a part of the big ups and downs you see in a typical romantic comedy, it was part of a stable relationship. A man and a woman met for the first time came in time to share some affection, but it wasn't instant chemistry leading to sex, and then the promise of happily ever after at the movie's conclusion. So many movies are about finding true love in a way that's about finding something to make you happy. This one was about coming to care about something larger than yourself. In particular, about the plight of illegal immigrants in the U.S. I liked the way they showed images such as the flag and the Statue of Liberty to make the contrast between the ideals we claim to embrace and the way people are actually treated. I liked it because they just let you see the contrast, they didn't spell everything out for you the way mainstream movies tend to.

Restaurant review: Oliver's Naturals

I prefer independently owned restaurants over chains to the extent that I don't even go to chain restaurants. As much as independently owned restaurants are a notch above chains, Oliver's Naturals is a notch above other independently owned restaurants. Of course the food is good, and on their one-page menu, I can find over a dozen appealing options, while at other restaurants with six-page menus, I may find only two edible items and no appealing items. That's because I'm a vegetarian, and non-vegetarian restaurants can't seem to think of much to serve vegetarians other than pasta and salad.

But what I like most about Oliver's is not the food but the atmosphere. Adam is the waiter, cashier, chef, and owner. He's helped out by his mom, Diana. When you enter, they greet you warmly. The cooking area is right there, behind the counter, so as they cook, they may ask you questions about how you want your food. The seating area is small, and a busy time seems to be any time there are more than about 4 customers in the restaurant at a time. The other day when I was there, there was a party of 8, and Adam told me, "I've never had so many people in one party before." The smallness means the customers can all talk to each other, as well as to Diana and Adam. One day, a customer was on the cell phone talking to a friend, saying something along the lines of, "I'm at Oliver's Naturals. You should come join us." She said to Adam, "Want to talk to her?" and passed him the phone. At most restaurants, it is not typical for the owner to get on a customer's cell phone to talk with a customer's friend. This was a first-time customer, but she had already caught the atmosphere of the place enough that if felt natural to her to offer Adam the phone.

Too many restaurants have gone out of business, so I hope that Oliver's gets plenty of customers so they can stay open for a long time to come. On the other hand, the smallness is what makes it such a great restaurant, so I want it to stay small.