I think it has been the past 11 years that I've felt something was missing from my life, although it was 6 years ago that I really hit bottom. In this time I''ve been searching for what is missing. I applied to numerous jobs, went to two job interviews, attended three conferences, took four academic classes,took a professional development course, looked at master's degree programs in two different fields, went on a retreat, volunteered at concerts, volunteered at festivals, became a DJ, started gardening, took up photography, got involved with two community organizations, started 5 blogs, became a pantheist, became a druid, studied trees, took swing dancing, took Nia, took yoga, and took tai chi.
Last night I went Morris dancing. I went Morris dancing, and I felt like, this is the thing I have been looking for. All those other things I did, were never quite the right thing. People told me to just appreciate what I have, and not always be looking for something, but I knew that my life was not right, I knew I needed to keep looking. I went Morris dancing, and I realized, those other things I did, I tried to make myself more passionate about them than I really was, because I needed something to be passionate about. Now that I have Morris dancing, I don't have to make myself try to be passionate about the other things.
Of course, things that look all glowing at first glance grow duller as reality sets in, so my initial impression of Morris dancing may be unrealistic. And of course, Morris dancing is not going to be my entire life. It's still worthwhile to continue some of the above-mentioned other activities. I still have to earn a living. I still treasure my family and friends. But in Morris dancing, I feel that I've finally found something that I've been looking for for a long time.