Called back to Quakerism

We all have our own paths, and it seems my path blends pantheism, druidry, and Quakerism. First I was a Quaker, but then I left it because it did not speak to me. Many years later, I found pantheism, then druidry. It was then that I felt drawn back to Quakerism. I think one reason is that when I was only a Quaker, I felt that something was missing. Now that I have found druidry and pantheism, I have found what was missing. And if I do only druidry and pantheism, then something is missing from that -- Quakerism is missing.

Last weekend, I was part of a Quaker group, and it seemed so right. I have certain core beliefs, such as a belief in treating all with equal respect. In my everyday life, I live in a world where it is assumed that things must be a certain way, a way that goes against my core beliefs. Last weekend, I stepped into a world in harmony with my core values. For example, in that world, everyone is assigned to a turn to help with washing the dishes -- everyone, right up to the executive director. In my everday world, the people at the top know they are above such tasks, and know that they are way above anyone whose job it is to do such a task.

In my everyday world, I am always thinking of things to do. In the Quaker world, I silence these thoughts and open myself to the light of the spirit.

In my everyday world, I worry that if I'm late, people will think that I am not working hard enough. In the Quaker world, I worry that if I'm late, I will inconvenience someone who is waiting for me.

Coping with moods

There are times when I slip into a depressed mood. It was more frequent when I was a teenager. Now it is not particularly common, but it has happened a few times in the past two weeks. When I am not in such a mood, I understand the following things:

• Often, I become depressed when I am coming down with a cold. I don't realize it at the time, I just feel depressed. Then the next day when I wake up with a sore throat, it's like the dawn hits me: "Oh, the reason things seemed bad is not because they are bad, but because I was coming down with something."
• During the times in my life when I regularly talk to someone I feel connected with, I don't get depressed.
• I am also less susceptible to depression when I live with someone, even if it is someone I don't feel connected with.
• I am most susceptible to depression in the evening, and when I'm home alone.
• Getting lost in a fictional world for a long time (in the past, I watched TV, not it's only books) can cause depression, but it can also cure depression. It seems to me that during the absorption in the fictional world, there comes a time when I hit bottom or something, and after that, I come back from the depression.
• Listening to music or doing movement such as dance or tai chi can be helpful.
• I tend to be depressed when I come home from an event at which there were many people and I did not feel connected to them.

I have been more susceptible in the past two weeks because one of the people I normally feel I can connect with has not been available, because I came down with a cold, and because I went on a trip that was probably beyond my energy level. In times when I feel fine, such as now, I have been thinking about these things, trying to understand it, so that I can prevent depression, or can respond appropriately when it hits. And yet when it does hit, I feel no desire to apply wisdom to the situation. My desire at the time is to indulge the depression. But sometimes the voice of wisdom can overcome the voice of desire. One thing that helps wisdom to overcome desire in such a situation is the discipline of habit, and for me at this time in my life, that comes from druidry. Druidry is what tells me to meditate, practice ritual, and spend time outdoors. Sometimes I don't feel like doing them, but when I do them, they help to bring peace of mind.

A glum day of rest

Going on a trip tomorrow. Took today off from work. I needed to get things done -- laundry, pack, pay bills, find some maps of where I'm going tomorrow. But the day came and I did not wish to do anything. I did not feel well. I told myself to get going. I drank 20 ounces of coffee. No help. No work was squeezed out of me. I felt so wrong. Felt unworthy, depressed, knew I was not myself. Longed for escape. I went to the library. Got three novels. Read Mad Maudlin by Mercedes Lackey and Rosemary Edghill. It was about 440 pages. I read it all the way through. So now, here I am, finished the book, past my bedtime, still nothing done to get ready, and I have to leave at 8am.

A line in the book:

I have no idea what I'm going to do when I graduate. I try to feel drawn to some particular course of action, but I don't. There must be something that's right -- but I just can't see it. Am I ever going to be able to see it?

It was as if that came straight out of my heart. And I have felt that way for years. Living a life that is wrong for me, but I can't find one that's right for me, and one must go on living, so if a wrong life is all there is, then I must live a wrong life.

Sunset

Sunset as viewed from my balcony, March 28, 2011:

Winter melts to spring

Where I live, during a typical winter, we'll have snow on the ground for a while, then it will melt and we'll have bare ground for a while, then it will snow again. This winter, we've had snow on the ground since December 26.

Now, slowly, winter is starting to turn to spring. I think the coming of spring is a good metaphor for many things in life. We see signs of spring, but then it snows. We have a warm day, but then it's cold. The journey is not a straight line, but ultimately, we do move forward from winter into spring.

I found the same pattern in recovering from illness. I think the pattern can also be applied to our entire lives. In general, we become wiser as we grow older, but we certainly have some lapses into lack of wisdom along the way.

For us, the snow that has been with us all winter started melting on Saturday, March 5. By the morning of Sunday, March 6, it looked like this:

It continued to melt through the day on Sunday, so by the afternoon, it looked like this:

That night, it snowed, so the next morning, Monday, March 7, it looked like this:

The snow remained the same for several days. The night of Thursday, March 9, there was some rain, so by the morning of Friday, March 11, it looked like this:

Friday, March 11 was warm, with the temperature getting up to 53, so there was a lot of melting. By the morning of Saturday, March 12, we had this:

With branches bent

In my previous post, I admired a sycamore reaching for the sky and sun. Maybe I meant it as an exhortation to myself to try to make things better. But I think I am really more like this tree:

I reach for the sky with one branch, but other branches are broken. And my trunk is sideways because of the burdens pressing down on me.

Reach for the sun

I like the way this sycamore reaches for the sky and the sun.