Trees

I have been learning about trees as part of my druid studies.  Trees have been around me all my life, and they did not seem particularly noteworthy.  But now that I have started learning, I realize there is so much to learn.  It's not like I can just read a book and then I'll know trees.  It's like a wealth of things which will continue unfolding for years.  Now, as the leaves change colors for fall, there are so many things to learn which were not there in summer.  Did you know that sugar maples turn red or orange, while Norway maples turn yellow? And sugar maples turn earlier than Norway maples.  Did you know that locust trees turn yellow, and they turn earlier than many other trees?

Now, walking down the street is an experience of wonder.  There are so many trees to be seen.  And, when driving, I have to be careful to pay attention to the road, because I tend to get fascinated by the trees.

Fatigue and Health

Reading over the posts I wrote in August, I see how affected I was by fatigue, and how it caused me to be irritable and antisocial.  I have been feeling better for the past week.  When I am ill with fatigue, it is so hard to imagine that I will ever feel any differently.  I once read something that described chronic fatigue syndrome as walking around carrying a refrigerator on your shoulders.  When I have that refrigerator, I feel that is just what life is like, life is that hard, and I just have to keep on going anyhow, have to do my job, do my chores, and try to carve out some happiness.  And then the refrigerator goes away, and I feel so much lighter.  Suddenly, it seems pleasant to go out and be around people.  Suddenly I just do things, I'm not forcing myself to do them any more.  Always I am looking for a cause for the presence or absence of the fatigue.  If I go to bed earlier will the refrigerator go away? How about if I exercise more? Or exercise less? Have caffeine? Quit caffeine?  Go out more? Stay home more?  There are no easy answers.  I work hard to live a healthy lifestyle, but the refrigerator comes and goes according to its own whims.

Wrinkled trees

Looking at maple trees, I see that younger trees have smoother skin, while older trees have deeply wrinkled skin.  Trees don't use skin cream to try to hide their wrinkles. I hope that as I age, I can be like that tree, standing tall, unashamed of who I am.

Fun with friends

Sometimes I go rollerblading or rowing or kayaking, and I feel, "This is wonderful! I should do this every day!"

Sometimes I don't go anywhere, and I think, "It is so great to have free time, to not have to go places.  I should stay home all the time!"

Lately, I mostly find people annoying.  And, I love having time to myself, to pursue my own agenda, whether it's kayaking, staying home, becoming a druid, or practicing tai chi.  Most of the time, I'm glad I don't have people around to take me away from the things I want to do.  Mostly I look upon social events as chores I'd like to avoid.  But I spent this evening with friends, and so now I'm like, "This was great! I should spend time with people all the time!"

The best part was when my friend and her toddler and I were dancing around the living room singing along to Chim Chiminy.  It has been a long time since I had that kind of fun, and I had forgotten what it was like.

A decade ago, I could be like that with my group of friends, and that's what I loved about being in that group of friends, but then that was over, and I was left hurt and cynical.

Connecting with people in that way is not something you can control.  Sometimes we are blessed to have something like that in our lives; other times, our lives are stripped of people we can connect with.  We do have some choice about to what extent we open our lives to other people, but we can't control what we get when we do open our lives.

Sounds emerge from darkness

It's funny how sounds become louder in the darkness.  Often, I turn on relaxing music to listen to as I get ready for bed and then as I fall asleep.  I set it for a comfortable volume while I'm getting ready for bed, and then as soon as I turn out the light to go to sleep, I want to turn down the volume.  That one I've been aware of for a long time, but today I noticed a new one.  I tried eating by candlelight, with the lights off, and I found that suddenly, I could hear the crickets.  Usually I notice them when I'm on my balcony, but not when I'm indoors.

Druid, Quaker, Pagan, and Catholic

Since I became a Druid, I've felt closer to Quakerism, Paganism, and Catholicism.

I used to be a Quaker, and I always liked their values, but the main thing they did was sit in silence, and I didn't get a lot out of that.  Now, as a Druid, I practice daily meditation, so I've found how to get something out of silence.

For some people, Druidry is like a denomination within Paganism.  Others are Druids but don't consider themselves Pagan.  They may be atheist, monotheist, or pantheist.  I  do  not consider myself Pagan.  However, Druidry does have a lot of the same practices as Paganism, so now I feel closer to Paganism.

And though Catholics would probably find this quite alarming and heretical, I am finding, with my background in Quaker simplicity, that the use of candles, incense, rituals, altars, water, robes etc. in Druidry makes me feel closer to Catholics.  Druids even have a ritual very similar to the Catholic ritual of crossing yourself.

Indulgences

There are so many things I want to do.  My job takes up much of my time, and free time seems like a scarce resource.  There are far more things I want to do than I have time for.  They are things I truly want to do, things that I enjoy, things that are relaxing.  And yet, they are work, they require effort, thought, energy.  Sometimes I'm tired.  Sometimes I just don't feel like accomplishing things any more.  But maybe I should allow myself to include in each day more time spent on indulgences, time on just lying around, staring at trees if I'm on my balcony or listening to music if I'm indoors, time reading fantasy novels.

The things that I want to be doing include: gardening, tai chi, Nia, going to the farmer's market, taking care of chores such as laundry, ironing and bills; rollerblading, kayaking, clearing the clutter in my house in order to make my house a sanctuary for myself, reading blogs, writing blogs, writing emails, preparing playlists, spending time outdoors with field guides in order to learn to identify trees and other plants, figuring out what to do with my life, and reading books on topics like nature, sustainable living, qigong, tai chi, and druidry.  Those are just my current things. If I had time, I also would join a Morris dancing group, join the voluntary simplicity group, volunteer for the farmer's market and the community gardens, visit relatives, go to Nantucket, Maine, and the Olympic Peninsula, and take classes in various forms of dance, such as jazz and African.