What it takes to wear me out

I was thinking, "I'm doing great for someone who was bedridden the day before yesterday." Then I had to make two trips carrying things up from the basement to the third floor. So much for that. It was a real challenge to my congested lungs and I'm all worn out now.

Returing to the world of the living

I am back to the world of the living, at least physically, if not mentally. I'm back at work, but still feeling a bit like I'm in a fog. Upon my return to the office, I found that at least five other people in my building are sick. At one point when I coughed, I heard two other people also coughing. It was like a symphony of coughs resonating through the halls. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one sick. It makes me feel like less of a slacker.

The life of a sickie

I have not left my apartment for a week. The first two days, I was functional, just feeling under the weather. But for the past five days, I have been knocked out. It is kind of like being asleep. Well, a lot of the time, I have been asleep, but even when I'm not, it's kind of like being asleep. Like being in a cocoon. Warm, cozy, oblivious to the outside world. Not joyful, not miserable, just asleep.

The past few nights, I'd go to bed early because I was too tired to do anything else, but then find I wasn't sleepy. Last night I went to bed at 7, but it was too early. I tried again at 8, and had no trouble sleeping then. I slept until about 7:40am. After sleeping nearly 12 hours that night, I then napped during the day 11:30-2 or so. I was drifting in and out of sleep during that time, so I wasn't really fully asleep the entire time. With all that sleep, it's not that surprising that I'm still awake now after midnight. It is surprising that I am forming coherent words. I have not done much of that these past five days. Maybe I am getting better.

I have been eating about 1 1/2 - 2 1/2 meals a day. I have not been hungry, and it takes a lot of energy to go all the way to the kitchen. I try to make myself drink water, because I know it's good for me. But mostly I'm not interested in eating or drinking.

My abdominal muscles are sore from all the nose blowing and coughing, but they only hurt when I use them.

I am supposed to take albuterol when my lungs are clogged. I took it once. Going down it irritated my lungs, giving me a coughing fit and causing me to gasp for air. Then after a little while, it had its usual side effect of making my feel shaky.

Friday morning, the last day I was functional, I took a shower and got dressed. I put on my pajamas Friday night, and did not leave them until Monday night, when I took a shower and changed into a different set of pajamas. Now I've been in those for over 48 hours.

Sometimes when I'm awake, I watch TV. Watching the news or watching reality TV reminds me that there are a lot of people out there I want nothing to do with.

I feel guilty about missing work.

There is so much to be done in the world. Beauty to be enjoyed, people to be loved, communities to be nurtured. Every day that I'm here in my cocoon is a lost opportunity to be out there living. But I don't feel too sorry for myself. I remember how other times I've looked upon illness as like being in a monastery. A time for quiet. A time for realizing what is important in life. That's not a waste.

Sick again

How can I sleep with my lungs all clogged up? I've got Nyquil, a vaporizer, and Vicks Vaporub, but it isn't enough.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, and I have many things to be thankful for:

• My family: They have the traits I value, such as having a respectful, nonjudgmental attitude toward others, not being pushy, and living according to their values. Their paths are diverse, but all are true to who they are rather than conforming to convention, and they encourage others to be true to who they are as well.
• My job and financial stability: Some people who make more money than I do complain of low salaries, but I think I am lucky to have my income. There are so many people in this world who have less than I do. Many of them are hard-working, smart people, and it is just a fluke of luck that I am able to have the things I do. Some people more talented than I am are unemployed. I have been unemployed in the past, and I'm lucky that I have a job now. My job allows me to have a spacious apartment and a car that runs well. Some people would consider a 12-year-old compact car not to be luxurious, but to me, it is. I am fortunate to be from a modest upbringing, so that I don't feel I need a more expensive lifestyle. I can afford to buy groceries, and not just the essentials, but I can spend extra to get the things I want, like organic foods. My job also allows me sufficient vacation/sick time.
• Health: It's not perfect, and it does prevent me from doing some things I used to enjoy, but overall, I'm getting better more than I'm getting worse, and I'm able to work full-time, take care of myself, and do a few extra things too. A lot of people don't have all that, so I'm really fortunate. And I think that being sick changed me by making me appreciate the substance of people rather than appreciating people just for being willing to gallivant with me.
  
• My town: I like living in a town that's not a big city, but not the middle of nowhere either. I like that we have a good farmer's market and so many independently owned restaurants and stores. So many other towns are just full of chains.
• Radio: I'm lucky to be a member of a radio station. I like listening to all the new music, and figuring out which songs go together as I prepare playlists. I like talking to Harry on and off the air. I appreciate the people at the station who have been kind to me, such as the other folk DJs, Sean, Mario, and Rich.
• Clearwater: I'm grateful to have the opportunity to volunteer at the Clearwater festival each year. I like being in a community that shares my values and being in a beautiful outdoor setting.

Compliment

I was on the radio as a guest on another DJ's show. A listener called in and asked what I looked like. The DJ extolled my beauty at some length, saying, "If I wasn't so frickin' gay, I'd jump across the table at her."

Pantheist Quaker Pagan

Maybe I'm a pantheist Quaker Pagan. My theology is pantheist. My values and culture are Quaker. And my inspiration is Pagan. I haven't decided yet about the Paganism. I like some things about Paganism and I don't like others. Paganism is diverse, so it's not like all Pagans have to believe all the same things. The question is whether I believe enough of it to apply the label to myself. Or maybe the question is whether there's a branch of neopaganism that fits me. There is a community of Quaker Pagans. Perhaps the Quaker Pagans are the branch of neopaganism that fits me, but I don't know yet.