They turn away

I think about sustainable living. I think about building community. I think about how this time of solstice, Christmas, and new year is a time to appreciate what we have and reach out to others in love. I think about doing so many things. Reality does not match aspiration. I am ragged with fatigue and illness. I watch Buffy. In the episode, "I Only Have Eyes for You," a poltergeist keeps re-living a scene. A lovers' quarrel ended in violence in 1955. Now the spirit of James, the one who did the violence, inhabits others, and they act out the same scene. We see the scene acted out twice, as people are suddenly inhabited by the spirits. They re-enact the scene as if they are living it. You can see that they feel the feelings. The third time, it's Buffy's turn. The other ones felt the feelings, but Buffy dials it up a notch. She is not just feeling what James went through. She is also feeling the emotional devastation of what she has been through. Crying from the depth of her heart, she pleads, "A person doesn't just wake up and stop loving someone." It touched me. That's what is real. All this trying to make a better world, that's just trying to be someone I'm not. Who I am is sick. Who I am is alone. I saw it last weekend. A single man, taking note of the three single women in the group, trying to get to know them. Then one showed she was graceful and vivacious, while I was awkward and shy, and he was drawn to her. That has been the story of my life. They turn away from me. They want the vivacious ones.