Values I grew up with

This morning, I was reading Druidry and the Ancestors by Nimue Brown, and that got me thinking about examining my past.  The values that surrounded me as I was growing up, that came from my family and from my college, shaped me.  What was I told growing up, and what do I believe now?

From my great-grandfather

• When he started college, his father told him, "You can send a boy to college, but you cannot make him think."  He resolved to think.  He valued education.
• A person of knowledge and wisdom does not need to brag.  He maintains a humble demeanor.  People who brag that they know a lot generally don't know much.
• There's always more to learn.  Keep learning.
• Travel.  See that there are people who live differently and think differently.

From my mother

• Cities are bad.
• Rich people are bad.
• Don't wear make-up, jewelry, pantyhose, high heels, or any other fancy clothes.
• Don't use alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, or drugs.
• Don't eat sugar, processed foods, white flour, etc.
• Dieting or exercising to lose weight is silly.  If you just live a healthy lifestyle, you won't be fat.
• Racism used to exist, but now we know that it is wrong.  
• Family is good.  
• Compost your garbage.
• Old clothes can be mended or made into something else.  
• Live the life you love, not the life that makes you rich.  
• Marry for love.  It's silly to think about whether or not a prospective husband has a good job.
• Be true to your values.
• Bad people exist.  Keep them out of your life.
• If you are tired, you should rest.  Don't push yourself.

From my father

• I am a country girl who can use an outhouse and ride in a pick-up truck on dirt roads. 
• I am at home in the forests of New England, with forest floors covered with boulders and pine needles.  
• It's good to be eccentric.

From my childhood experience

• Don't wear dresses because you never know when you might need to climb over a barbed wire fence.
• Heaven is sitting on big boulders by the ocean.
• I love cross country skiing.  

From general family and Quaker values

• Live with integrity.  Tell the truth.  Live your ideals.
• You should pay for things what they are worth.  It is wrong for a seller to ask for too much, or for a buyer to pay too little.  It is wrong to get things you  haven't earned.  That means gambling, the lottery, stocks, sales, coupons, advertising, and bargaining are wrong.
• Don't waste money. Only buy what you need.  Don't live in a mansion. Don't hire servants.  Prepare your own food.  Clean your own house.  Don't turn your heat up too high.
• There are some things people don't want to talk about.  You won't get anywhere if you ask directly, but if you just wait and absorb the clues, gradually you'll get an understanding of it.  
• There is that of God in everyone.  If someone does something bad, it is because they are hurting. It is your job to see past the bad deeds, and find that of God in everyone.

From college

• The fact that you were admitted to this college means that you are very smart.
• Being a housewife is for people who aren't as smart as you.
• Sexism is rampant, and as a woman, you should be outraged at how oppressed you are.
• Racism is rampant, and people of color should be outraged at how oppressed they are.

I have conflicts now, between what I'm supposed to believe and what my reality is.

Belief:
Dieting or exercising to lose weight is silly.  If you just live a healthy lifestyle, you won't be fat.

Reality:
That came from my mother's side of the family.  My mother's side of the family is naturally skinny.  My father's side of the family is naturally fat.  My mother's side of the family looked scornfully at my father's mother's efforts to lose weight.  They saw a correlation between weight and effort to lose weight, and somehow got confused about the causal relations there, thinking that being fat was caused by worrying about weight loss, rather than vice versa.  I've inherited my body from my father's side of the family, but my attitudes from my mother's side of the family.

Belief:
Live the life you love, not the life that makes you rich.

Reality:
My mother can say that because her stepfather provides her with a house and her husband provides her with groceries.  The reality is you have to either earn money, or else depend on money someone else has earned.  And people who want to pay you to do things you love don't exactly grow on trees, so sometimes surviving requires doing things you don't love.

Belief:
There is that of God in everyone.  If someone does something bad, it is because they are hurting. It is your job to see past the bad deeds, and find that of God in everyone.

Reality:
There are a lot of people I just don't like.  And though I may know that bad deeds come from hurt, I don't personally have the strength to withstand the bad deeds, so I choose to withdraw, rather than to find a way to love the person.

Belief:
Don't use alcohol, caffeine, tobacco, or drugs.

Reality:
I still don't use alcohol, drugs, or tobacco, but I'm dependent on caffeine.  

Belief:
Don't waste money. Only buy what you need.  Don't live in a mansion. Don't hire servants.  Prepare your own food.  Clean your own house.  Don't turn your heat up too high.

Reality:
I'm tired. I hate housework.  Sometimes I eat out.  Sometimes I buy prepared foods that only have to be heated up at home.  I've started turning up the heat high enough so that when I'm wearing three layers, I'm not too cold.  

What do I believe now? What I believe now was influenced by family and my childhood, but also by all all that I have learned and experienced since then.  So, my life up to the current moment has brought me to these conclusions:

• Live sustainably.  Live in a way such that the earth will be able to sustain humans indefinitely.  It's not only for the future though.  For your own spiritual health, it's not good to live a life of greed and consumption.  That does not mean you should live a life of deprivation either.  It means that you should be mindful of your choices.  Before you throw something away, think about whether it could still be used for soemthing.  Before you buy something, think about whether you really need it, and whether you could make something instead of buying it.  Appreciate your comforts -- the warmth of sunlight, the taste of an apple, the sound of music.  
• You should pay for things what they are worth.  It is wrong for a seller to ask for too much, or for a buyer to pay too little.  It is wrong to get things you  haven't earned.  That means gambling, the lottery, stocks, sales, coupons, advertising, and bargaining are wrong.
• A person of knowledge and wisdom does not need to brag.  Listen to those who speak their truths quietly.  Do not try to inflate yourself in the way your dress, the titles you use, or the way you describe your skills and experience.
• Learning is a journey that never ends.  Seek to continue to grow in knowledge, wisdom, and compassion.  Be wary of being too smug in your beliefs.  At the same time, your current beliefs are the best you can do for now.  Be true to them.  
• You can't change other people.  Try to create the life you believe in.  Work with others who have compatible visions, because we can achieve little in isolation. 
• Treat others with respect.  If you can't tolerate them, walk away rather than put them down.  
• In particular, children should be listened to and their wishes should be respected.  No, not their wishes to eat lots of candy, but if they don't want to be held or kissed, respect that.
• Give people space.  If they don't want to talk about something, don't press them.  You can be close to someone without knowing everything about them.  
• Expect to be treated with respect and kindness. Be tolerant when a person who is generally good to you slips up, but walk away from anyone who consistently fails to treat you with respect and kindness. 
• Shop locally.  Whether it's vegetables or music, appreciate that which is created by hand in your own community, and avoid that which is produced by giant corporations.  
• Avoid television, video games, movies, and computers. Instead, experience life in person.  Go outside.  Dance.  Sing.  Make things.  Play.  Listen to people.  
• Avoid processed foods.  Eat organic foods.  Eat whole grains, legumes, fruits, and vegetables.  If you choose to eat meat, be mindful of how the animals you eat  lived.
• Be physically active, but not by using machines in a gym.  Get outside.  Dance.  Build things.
• Enjoy arts and crafts.  Create your own, and appreciate what others have created.  My preferences are music and dance, but other preferences are just as valuable, such as poetry, drawing, storytelling, sewing, pottery, etc.
• Spend time with the people you cherish.  Never forget that you cherish them, and let it show in how you treat them.  
• Choose clothes that are comfortable and practical.  Don't dress to make yourself look prestigious.  But, choose clothes whose beauty you enjoy.
• Don't use alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs.  That is, sometimes medical drugs may be needed, but think carefully before using them.